Inner Thoughts of a Woman

One Grain

2011-03-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

(I know, I copied this post to both blogs, but I felt it was important to do so)
I went to therapy again today, and one of the things she helped me realize is that I wouldn't have left sooner because I was getting something out of that relationship that I wanted too. Not saying for one second that I wanted or deserved the mental and emotional abuse (we chatted a little more about my history and she pointed out more instances that easily qualify under both of those headings - I'm not just repeating it for the drama. I actually feel pretty uncomfortable about saying it still - that I fell for all of that - but that's where I'm coming to my point...)... I stayed as long as I wanted to. She pointed out that if you look at a scale, and there's a mountain of crap on one side, and a mountain and a grain of good on the other, then you'll stay. I realized what it was that I traded my emotional peace of mind in my marriage for was the opportunity to stay home with my children while they were small. That's what I chose. If I left earlier, I would have missed out on that. I knew that the children were in minimal danger if I stayed, and that the risk of sending them to daycare to be raised by someone else and have them miss out on the foundation of stability and love that can only be provided by their mother was a risk I was not going to take. It made it all worth it. Sure, it was a hefty trade, and one I wasn't even consciously aware of until about a couple of years before the end. Looking back I'm not even sure about the quality of my parenting considering it was a lot of survival mode, but I was there, and I loved them the best I could at the time. I hope that counts in the long run for something. And not for a second would I go back, knowing what I know now, and change it. I'm a Mom first and forever, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for my children. Staying after they were in school full time, and putting up with abuse that was obviously not going to end ever would have killed my spirit. I left for my children too. I'm sure they don't see it that way, but I did. I couldn't continue having them live in a house where I was allowing me to be treated that way. I definitely didn't want them to grow up thinking that any of that was normal or acceptable. I also didn't want them growing up in shades of gray. There is right and wrong, and I needed them to see the difference in the way their father and I choose to live our lives, rather than blending - or in other words me caving to keep the peace and going against what I believe to be best regarding values, morals, and religion.
I know that I'm an even better Mom now than I have ever been. I hope they see that it's never to late to change, that you have to work hard to get what you want, that faith matters, that truth in word and action and emotion matters, that they matter, and that I matter. And if they ever end up knowing what all happened between their father and me, that they see that it wasn't that I was too weak to leave - but that I was strong enough to withstand the 'mountain less-a-grain' for the opportunity to be with them.

Scrap That Happily Ever After... Time For a New Story

2011-03-20T01:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe because it's all coming to an end that I've been thinking about the beginning of the end.
And where is that beginning?
Is it when in my naivety I missed the tell-tale signs that his character was lacking essential qualities needed for a lifetime of emotional safety right from the get-go?
Is it the first time I caught him in the act of living a double life?
Is it the first time that he admitted to me days later that the problem went far deeper than originally discovered?
The second time I caught him?
The third?
Or any one of the times that others confronted me with additional information?
And when I finally had the courage to say 'enough' when it happened yet again - was that when I left him? Or had he left me a million years before?

Who left who?

Was it that he left me all those years ago, but it took me a dozen years to let him go? To tell him 'no more'? To find my voice and stand up for me?
I'm trying to find the beginning so I can figure out the why, the how, and how never to be that girl again. The girl who repeatedly sent the messages that 'it's ok to abuse me, I'll take it over and over again - just don't leave me alone', ' I'll hide all your secrets, I'll be loyal, then will I be worthy of your love and attention??', 'look at all the things I do wrong, at all the things I'm not, how in the world do I fix them all so you will be happy and love me, pick me to talk to, touch, and spend time with??'.
I'm hoping that with all the time that's gone by, the things I have learned and experienced, I'm a changed woman already. I'm learning to be a woman that chooses my life rather than letting life always just happen to me while being quiet, patient, and polite.
I know what I want - I'm still working on believing I deserve it and then being brave enough not to settle for anything less, and creating a life for me that I love - with or without a man to share it with. That's going to be hard because men are my weakness, along with the desire to be wanted, cherished, and loved. Assuming of course that such a man who can and wants to fulfill those needs for me even exists. I hope he does...??

Three Wishes

2011-03-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

1 - that I was wealthy enough to be able to travel and see things that my kiddies and I have always wanted to see
2 - that their father would wake up tomorrow and feel that moving alone to Mexico forever is the best idea of his life and follow through with it.
3 - that my kids realize sooner than later what a lame sauce person their father is so they quit getting their hopes up and having him crush them over and over like he tends to do because the only person he thinks of is himself.

Favorite quote of the week - "This is our last conversation. We are not friends. Goodbye Trevor."

It's almost done...

Non Traditional Gratitude

2011-02-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

Thank you for reaffirming to me on at least a weekly basis that leaving you was THE best decision of my life. Trust me that I will be buying our son a car so that he can drive himself and his sister back and forth between our homes so that I have to see you even less than I already do. It's a 4 year count down and will be worth every penny :)

ps - you can add our Real Estate Lawyer to the rapidly growing list of people who have actually called you a fool behind your back, just so you know. I'm sure you don't care, but it makes my day :)

Preparing for the Storm

2011-02-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
The further away I get from the toxic mess that was my marriage and the tragic person I used to be, the better I see how truly messed up the whole situation was.
I've had recent exposure to more of his emotional abuse lately, and having been away from it for a while it comes as a startling surprise that abuse is exactly what I was exposed to, and unfortunatly it's not all past tense.
I know I'm not the same person I used to be, but am I strong enough now to deal with more devestating blows from him? You see, it all unravelled for me two years ago and I've been working damn hard to rebuild since then. His hardest times only just coming around the bend as real life consequences start kicking in. He can see them clearer now than he ever has and he's looking for someone to blame... and I'm his go-to girl.
I know for a fact that he will lash out in my direction again more than once and in all his classic ways, and I'm afraid. I have that same knot in my stomach of ugly anticipation, feel the blood draining from my face, my hands start shaking, my heart pounding, and am fighting with all that I have not to run or buckle.
I need help. I'm stronger now than I have ever been, but I need support and tools, because I feel fragile when I'm dealing with him. I'm going to finally see a therapist next week, because this is my time to stand up for me. I just need help in finding my voice.

My Battle with a Different Kind of Cancer

2011-01-27T18:23:00.000-08:00

Divorce, I've decided, compares on many levels to an awful illness. It sucks the life from you, you never know when it's going to end, you have to go around and try to function best you can day to day anyways, and it's never far from your mind. Plus. at least for me, I'm journeying to find wholeness, taking better care of myself, slowing down and enjoying the little things more, seeing all the petty little things people get all bunched up about as..well... petty. I want to raise awareness to everyone on what to avoid at all costs, and become an abused person advocate. It's cause for friends and family to celebrate when free of the source of sickness, stress, and negativity. Support groups become a place to share and let your guard down. And once in a while, medication helps ;) Prayers are said, and if you're lucky, really lucky, you can walk away free of any lasting scars. I'm still battling, not able to see the promised end from where I stand today. I'm exhausted in every way, but the days keep coming and what other option is there than to face them, one at a time.

Not So Merry

2010-12-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas.
At least I know I used to. And I'm really trying to this year as well.
But for some reason I'm 75% happy and 25% not, and that 25% is starting to irk me.
It's hard around the holidays. It's like another little reminder that there used to be someone and now there isn't. I know my kids feel it too. They wish we were all together. I don't, but mostly because I know that I'm not wanted where ever he is. And that feels kinda crappy sometimes, not gonna lie. That he would rather be alone on Christmas Eve, calling his kids twice because I know he misses them, that he would rather do that than be with me 365 days a year.
I've had a little break through though. I was chatting last night while I wrapped gifts with my best friend and more than once I said things out loud that have been clattering around in my brain that I thought were simple truths about myself. She was quick to be vocal about how the way I see me is not the way that others see me. So as I laid in bed I thought again as I often do about what is my 'self talk' - the things I say to myself so often that I believe them and I caught one. Caught one because it has been so subtle and quiet, but repetitive enough for me to not even realize I've been saying it at all. In fact, it's been around for so many years that it has definitely become a part of how I view myself, and I didn't even realize it. I know when it started and who put it there, but that doesn't matter nearly so much as how do I change it?
You can't change what you don't own so here it is:
People don't actually like you, they're just pretending to your face.
And: You think you're special but you're not.
Seriously - how in the world did I not recognize these going on in my head everyday?? They were so much a part of me that I didn't even see how damaging they were, and probably will continue to be as I try to change.
This is why I didn't try for the man I thought was out of my league and settled for a guy that paid attention to me.
This is why I down play every compliment ever given to me.
This is why I don't have many long-time friends, because I believe that they grow to get to know me, don't like what they see or realize that I'm totally average and boring and leave.
This is why I stayed in an abusive relationship for 10 years.
This is why I have a hard time believing that people who are not related to me (because if you're related you have to love each other, even if you make each other crazy) actually like me and care about me - I seriously believe that they are faking just to be nice, or put on a show, or are using me for something. Seriously.
I've always said and meant it when I say I like me, I just don't think other people do.
Could I think of myself as special?
Could I trust someone else to like me as a person? And almost the entire person, if not all??
Completely foreign to me.... but something I obviously need to think and study on so I don't repeat mistakes of my past OR pass them on, heaven forbid!
It's been an eye-opening thought process, and I'm feeling very vulnerable and a little emotional. I'm not sure where to go from here, but since I newly discovered I'm smart and a survivor, I'm sure I'll figure it out in time. Life's a journey.

My Secrets

2010-12-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Some, not all of course....

I wish I had someone more like me at school to hang out with. I realize everyday how much older I am than the girls I study with.

If he called and really wanted me back, I'd actually consider it.

I look for cute guys on the train in the morning. Once in a while if I don't see any, I'll get off that car and try the next one.

My first thought when I see a man texting is that he's talking to his mistress.

Share your secrets anonymously if you like... more from me another day....

I'm Going to Tell You

2010-10-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

The extended version of my current facebook status: I'm a woman who tells it like it is. If the slit of your skirt is so high that myself and everyone else walking behind you on a busy downtown street can actually see your butt, I'm going to tell you. If your shirt is hanging out of your open fly and you are the manager of a fast food place, I'm going to tell you. If you are walking past me in Rona and I notice that you still have a curler in your hair, I'm going to tell you. So sure as shootin', if you call out my family member on their facebook status and you've got your facts seriously messed up?? I'm going to tell you. Period.

I'm Looking... Have You Seen Him?

2010-10-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

It's back.
That feeling that something is missing... and that something is a man.
I would love to feel strong arms around me, and feel safe being there. I would love to roll over in bed and feel the warmth of another body there too. I want to share new experiences, see new places, and make lasting memories with someone special who sets me apart from all others. I want to belong to someone, and belong with someone.
I want to feel the rush, the comfort, the security that being with a man brings. And not just any man... the man. I'm not a hop around, any-guy-will-do-for-now kind of woman. I want to give it all and get it all in return. That's what I want.
Is he out there?
Yeah, he's out there. Somewhere...

Tired

2010-09-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

I'm losing my motivation to keep on keepin' on. I'm tired, and my hope is getting a little banged up and dusty. I'm starting to get swamped with all that I have to do, and yet I can hardly say that I'm doing this all on my own. I feel dependant, and lacking in too many ways tonight. I wish I would lay down in my bed and it would swallow me whole for at least a week. I wish I was more, better, faster, stronger, (is that a song??), and not alone, and not in debt. Blech.

A Good Quiet

2010-08-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

This, my ranting place, has been quiet for a while.
And for this I am grateful, because it means I'm at peace.
Much love... A

Bit By Bit

2010-08-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

There are still going to be battles, the kind of the previous post and others.
But I'm winning the war.
I know I am.
I'm not going to call retreat, but I am giving up on the battles that just don't matter anymore. And the crazy amazing part is that giving up makes me stronger, not weaker, more at peace, and less enraged.
I'm moving on you know :) more details at my other blog, you know, just in case you like my ramblings :)

Out of Reach Dreams

2010-08-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

I think I might be going crazy.
No.... really.
I feel like there's always this battle going on inside of me, a battle between 'wants' and 'shoulds'.
I want to have a man look at me twice, but I shouldn't do anything to draw attention to myself.
I want to pursue and be pursued now, but I shouldn't because good girls wait until the time is right.
I want to give in to human desires, but I shouldn't because... well, the because is a little blurry right now on that one but I just know that it's a HUGE shouldn't.
I want a good, amazing, good-looking guy, but I shouldn't get my hopes up because even a pretty crappy guy didn't want to keep me.

I keep waiting... waiting and waiting and waiting, and most days I'm pretty patient about it. Sometimes I wonder what the point of waiting at all is. Sometimes I don't want to keep putting on the brave face, and be the one who keeps being the good girl because don't you know - good things come to those who wait.
No.
No I don't know, actually.
I feel like the things I want, the things I dream about and hope for are not going to happen and that the lessons I'm to learn are that life doesn't turn out the way you want it to, even though for others it does. I feel like I'm one of those people who have to learn to be happy without, all the while watching others less deserving, less good at following the rules, get to be carefree and at peace and bottome-of-your-soul happy.

In all the back and forth between want/should, happy/sad, tired/alive, going forward/slipping back, I'm getting all jumbled and comfused as to what I really want, and what is actually attainable. Are my expectations and dreams to far too out there ever be reached? Have I been watching too many chick flicks and Disney movies to have a firm grasp on reality? Do I even know what I want?
Yes.
I know what I want.
But does it exist?
I have no idea.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

I AM TIRED OF WAITING!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE?????? I WANT TO BE DONE NOW!!!!!! I WANT MY (*&%*(&($*&$(*(#W*$&#(*&(*#^$#(Q*#$(@*^$(#*&$ HOUSE TO SELL!!! I WANT my ex to freaking JUMP UP AND DOWN WITH JOY and IMMEDIATLY sign off on the minutes of settlement so we can be OFFICIALLY DONE!! I've been waiting like such a good little girl and I'm about to FREAKING SNAP!!! THIS..... THIS IS MY LIMIT!!!!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is It That I'm Crazy For Waiting? Or Is The Waiting Making Me Crazy??

2010-07-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

First off, thanks to Debbi for the 'blog award'! I'd post links and all that to her's but to be honest, I have no idea how to do that. I don't ACTUALLY live in bloggerland, I just come and dump my trash and leave ;)
Anyways, she's pretty much fantastic. She tells it like it is, and tells ALL of it. I love that. I love that she has no shame in who she is, what has happened, or cares really what too many other people think. I'm still transitioning from the land of 'Pleasers' myself and have a little ways to go, and hope to follow her lead in more ways than one.
So, she mentioned that I was honest and keep it real here too, which I do. But she also mentioned that my content was sad. Also true. Bitter and angry are also words that come to my mind as well!! Those aren't my only Thoughts, but again, keeping it real, they have been a lot of my thoughts for too long. Time to lighten up I'd say :)
So..... other thoughts of mine?? Let's see.... I've been separated for, ohhhh, nearly 2 years, and being that I'm the religious sort, I've been doing my darndest to be morally good and all.... yeah... that's getting old pretty darn quick! Not the morally good part, don't really want to face the wrath of those consequences thank you very much!! But the single part = boring!! Pretty much came to the realization that it was high time that SOMETHING be done when I'm sitting there watching the Bachelorette and I'm literally starting to crush on one of the guys on TV! Lame...sauce.... Throw in that it's Stampede week and while it's true that I see allllll kinds of crazy get-up's while riding the train to school through downtown everyday (high waisted jeans with the pockets ending half way down your butt are NOT flattering - the goal is NOT to make your butt look like it's drooping more than it is... just saying...) anyways, back to my point, there are some really hot cowboys around town people!! I'm a sucker for plaid and a hat, haha :) AND THEN!!! Oh yeah, it gets better, could my school be around the corner from the cop shop with strong, good looking, protective type men in cowboy hats and in uniform???
I know, I know, everyone feels like their divorce process takes the longest, and trust me, I've been pretty darn good at not sending out the 'available' vibe or spreading the word that I'm looking to meet people until it's official. But I'm pacing the floor and wearing a groove in it, just so you know!

Ok, I Think I Got It This Time

2010-07-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

Gosh, you know? This whole "letting go and moving on" business can be pretty up and down, just so you know. BUT, I think I figured it out.
So first I was trying to preserve the future relationship because I thought that would be a good idea considering I still have to see the man on a fairly regular basis for the next dozen or so years. But that just ended up hurting like heck because it still felt like he was screwing me over, financially most of all. Plus, I'm not gonna lie, having the man you love choose someone else kinda blows, especially when it's obvious that I'm, like, a total prize!! And considering what he chose instead???.... Ew!! Haha, what could he POSSIBLY be thinking right??
So THEN I decided it's probably just easier to hate the man. And it is, don't get me wrong!! But that's not who I am.
So NOW I've had my aha moment and realize holy crap I still love him!!!
Wait...
WHAT???????
Yeah, I love the man he was to my face, 30% of the time. Not the other 70% he was to my face, or the 100% he was behind my back.
That's the man I miss.
And I miss him a lot.
Even though I know.... that man no longer exists.

Happy Summers

2010-07-07T00:16:00.000-07:00

You know, it's summer. And it's funny how this new summer makes me think of old ones. It wasn't all bad times. We had some good times too. I'm cautiously going over the good times again in my mind, knowing we aren't the same people anymore so there's no point in longing for more of those times. But I wonder to myself if you thought there were good times too, and if you ever think about them, just once in a while.

Again, If Movies Were Real...

2010-07-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

We watched the Transformers movie this weekend again as a family, and I have to say, how cool would it be when you're busting your butt to fight off the bad guys to get on your little radio and command the unseen, all powerful back-up to "Bring the rain!" I gotta get me one of those little radios...

Painful Silence

2010-07-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

Everytime I have a chance to blow your reputation to our children when they ask questions... and I don't... better count for something in heaven because man, it's one of the hardest things I do every time.

And It's All Drug Free People!!

2010-07-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm happy. Not 'happy until...' or 'happy when...'. I'm happy, I'm content, I'm secure, I'm focused. Not all of the time, because I'm pretty sure you need some good drugs for that, but enough of the time. I can do this. I am doing this.

Whoa - What WAS That??

2010-06-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

Remember about a week ago when I said I didn't know how to move on?? Yeah, that must have been some bad chinese food or something. Soooo have moved on... and never going back. Homewrecker - you can have his scummy, skinny, cheating a$$. Thanks again for stopping by though! Made my life :)

(Oh, and the other guy?? Just saving him for later ;))

You, and You, and You

2010-06-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

To individuals who shall remain nameless but who know exactly who they are... or should...

You: ROT!!!!!
You: I'm praying for Karma for you... and you deserve all that's coming to you

and

You: It's hard, but I need you to keep doing what you're (not) doing for a while longer... I'll be in touch... promise :)

What the..?!?!

2010-06-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

CRAP!!!
argh...
ok....
pity sake, can someone please tell me how the hell to just move on?????!!!!!
I really don't know how....
I keep trying and trying and... damn it....
I'm not the one. I know I'm not the one. Why won't my heart just let go already??
And what's really messed up is that it's not just one... it's two...
I know... you don't even have to tell me... I know....

Contradictions

2010-06-05T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm smart... and nieve.
I'm sweet... and seductive.
I'm nice... and dream of revenge.
I'm shy... and bold.
I'm immovable... and a softie.
I'm religious... and rebelious.
I'm social... and need space.
I'm beautiful... and invisable.

Warning: Yeah, I'm Venting... You Would Too

2010-05-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

ARGH!!!
Why do I still have to deal with the lame a$$ doochbag and his bottomfeeder homewrecker??? They are both so UGLY and creepy and sickening and scuzzy! Both are losers that are too insecure to be alone with their consciouses.
When are they going to figure it out????
He's totally a step up for her, even though he's pretty poor and she'll be supporting him for a looong while. And she's completely a step down for him - which is comforting for his weak sauce ego. Of course he'd trade in the woman who's expectations he was never going to meet, who knows all of his MANY disgusting, dirty secrets, who encouraged him to be better than he was. He's lazy. He wants someone who's too dumb to figure that out, and who's old and been with a ton of other people, none of which wanted to keep her long term. That's his style. Someone he doesn't have to stretch for, hell I'm sure she's thrilled he's not even working at all right now. He's also emotionally abusive and a cheater - oh wait - they both are cowards like that, never mind. I'm sure they make their mothers proud.
Oh well, at least they can smoke up and have dirty sex in the back of his borrowed mini van. Now there's a happily ever after if I ever heard one.

My Place

2010-05-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

I wish I was standing on my hill, wind in my hair, blowing my troubles from my mind and heart. Breathing in the spring air and watching the leaves begining to burst on their branches. Watching the river, always constant and flowing, giving life, renewing. Face tilted up, eyes closed against the sunlight, enjoying the long awaited warmth. And smiling softly to myself as I feel the peace seep in.
I can't let life get too busy that I don't take time for this. I need it. I crave it. This week...

Superpowers

2010-05-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

My son asked me while ago if I could have any superpower, what would I chose?
I thought about it and I know without a doubt I would love to turn myself invisable on a whim.
Somedays I wish I was, just to hide away from everyone and everything.
Somedays I'd use it to sneak up on people and see what they say and do when they think no one is watching.
Somedays I'd use it just to prank people and get a laugh.
I don't get the feeling often, but once in a while I feel like I'm invisable already. Everyone I know has had the feeling at least once. You know the one... the one where you wonder 'If something happened to me, who would care? Who would notice? What difference do I make in anyone's life?'
Invisable.
To be seen.
I can't decide.

Leave a Message

2010-04-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing.
I have no idea if you read this, it really doesn't matter to me. It really doesn't.
I'm not speaking to you. One day maybe. But not now.
I don't expect you to understand or respect that. Again, that doesn't really matter to me.
You have broken every promise ever made to me.
You have treated me with the least amount of respect available to you for too many years.
You're words means nothing to me.
Therefore I choose not to hear them any longer.
I'm not the girl you knew anymore.
And the girl I am now is choosing not to let you in.
Goodbye.

Good Morning

2010-04-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

When I dream of you, I wake up smiling. Everytime.

Yeah, No... I'm Good

2010-04-13T01:35:00.000-07:00

I love the show Survivor. Watch it all the time. And I always think to myself how, while it sucks to get voted off the island by people you thought you could trust, how glad they must be for a real bed, a toothbrush, and a hot shower to finally get the gunge off, and move on with your life.
I was voted off the island.
And trust me that dropping his last name feels just as wonderful as taking off the dirty, disgusting clothes that those contestants wear for days on end.
Ahhhh....
Finally.
Back to the real me.

Still

2010-04-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

So, I'm back.
I thought or was maybe hoping somewhere inside that when I got back things would be different. I'd be this changed person or that I'd understand myself better or even just look at myself differently in the mirror.
But I don't.
It's all the same.
I'm still me, whoever that is.
And I'm back to the same problems I left behind.
Still not divorced.
Still no sale on my house.
My kids still aren't home.
Up to my eyeballs in debt.
Mooching off my folks.
And sleeping alone.

I need to get out of the house today.

Which One Is You?

2010-03-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

I can't remember which blog I did this on the last time, but it was fun and interesting so I'm doing it again here. Here's what's going on. I'm writing a pile of sentances, each one to a different person without actually naming the person. These are all things I would like to say directly but don't because - oh I have lots of reasons because. Ok, here it goes:

1 - You're beautiful inside and out, and far cooler than I thought you'd be. I'm glad I'm getting to know you better.
2 - You are so calming to be around. Thank you for being that way, it soothes so many weary hearts.
3 - I feel like you`ve changed and it's hard to be around you now. I know you'll be offended and hold a grudge if I tell you so, so I don't.
4 - I'm kind of relieved that our friendship took the turn it did, and I feel horrible for feeling that way. I could never have made you happy like you deserve.
5 - I know that you deserve more happiness in your life, but because there is no guarantee of that you are staying where you are, and I totally respect that. But my heart hurts for you.
6 - I can't and don't respect you. But one day I will forgive you. I've begun working on it.
7 - Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself.
8 - Your life isn't easy I know, but I wonder what my life would be like with your problems instead of my own. That being said, I wish I could do more to help ease those burdens you carry in a more tangible way all the time.
9 - You're right, safe is easier than the unknown. But if you never know for sure, will you feel regret? I would, but that's just me.
10 - I hope and pray you get what you're waiting for. Just don't forget to look in their eyes and see that you have happiness right here too.

It Feels Like Goodbye

2010-02-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

I'm proud of you :) You're doing the right thing and I support you in your decision. And I hope that you're happier and more at peace within yourself too.
That's not to say that I don't miss you a lot. I'm already missing the little moments, and I know that when the big events of my life that are coming up finally arrive, I will miss not being able to share my happiness with you.
Although I may never fully know what or who I was to you, this is what you meant to me:
I still count you as one on my closest friends, and I will never be able to look back on these life changing moments and not be able to think of you as well. Your encouragement and belief in me, seeing what I could not, and helping me realize that even though someone thought I wasn't worth the energy and the time, someone else will.
I suppose I could look back and think that maybe I'm still not, after all, you 'left' too.
But I don't.
That's how I know.
That's how I know that I'm different. Stronger than before. Because of your tireless efforts in building me back up, I walk differently (haha, but still the same), I carry myself differently. You helped me believe in me, as well as helped me to heal my heart. And so I thank you forever.
Don't forget, I think you're amazing :) I wish you love and happiness always, and will never forget you. I really hope that one day our paths will cross again, and I will look forward to catching up over a cup of cider :)
Hugs to you cutie boy...

To Paula

2010-02-04T07:29:00.000-08:00

Kids are not stupid. Especially not my kids. And I'm not just saying that because I'm their Mom. You know, the woman who is IRREPLACABLE in their lives.
I have so many questions for you, none of which I want an answer to be cause really, you disgust me to NO END. But I do wonder what you tell yourself as you are sculking in to a married man's life. A man with kids. And then I wonder just how long you think you can pretend to care about those kids now when you obviously didn't when you had a major part in breaking up THEIR family. I'm sure that you can put on a pretty good act, diguising your inner ugliness with puppies and board games, but a girl like you? It's not going to last long before they see right through you.
And just in case you misunderstand me, I really don't care that you are with him. In fact I'm glad. Makes him "happier" along with the rest of the world because scum should always be with scum. Saves the nice decent human beings from both your toxicity. Really, you guys are made for each other. Plus it will be fun to watch and see who cheats on who first, along with how many times you are together/not together. And just as a side note, did you REALLY think that you were the first person he cheated with? Or the second? Or the third?? Yeah - have fun with that...
I guess in the end I should thank you though. Thank you for tempting my spineless husband. I have NEVER been happier.

Yes Honey, You Are an Idiot. Pretty Sure We Knew That Already Though. Glad To Know You See It Too.

2010-01-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

Funny thing happened this week.
The Ex txted me a vengeful txt that didn't quite make sense. When I questioned him about it, he replied that 'It means I'm an idiot. Nevermind.'
And thats when it all becomes blissfully clear - that txt wasn't meant for me... a girlfriend perhaps? Perhaps the very same girlfriend that he left me for, the one who knew who I was, who met me, and was completely comfortable breaking up our family with the help of my idiot (his words) husband? the one he took to Palm Springs and then refused to admit on public record that adultery was the reason for this divorce? the girl friend that broke up with him at least once already 5 weeks after said trip? the girlfriend that at sometime he began seeing again and had my kids - MY KIDS - meet and hang out with??
Oh yeah, the same one.
Pity things aren't going as planned for them.
And the best part? Is that I think its completely hilarious. And not in a 'I'm all bitter and I'm glad your life sucks right now' kind of way, but in a 'wish I could have seen your face when you realized you sent that to the wrong girl, this stuff only happens on tv' kind of way.
Which tells me my heart is healing, faster than I thought it would. And that's thanks to my best friends E, J, M, and C. What would I do without you guys?? Really??

Again

2009-11-26T00:29:00.000-08:00

Arrggh!
It's back!
It's freaking back again!
What the hell??
The raw hurt, the inablitily to get a full breath, the weight on my shoulders, on the verge of tears, the memories of the begining when it all really started to unravel.
I'm exhausted, drained, and losing my energy to fight anymore.
Not fight him, but fight holding it all together.
When is it going to end, because really?
I'm almost done.

Pulled

2009-11-24T15:51:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling like I am constantly being torn.
I want to be good, to choose the right, to live and be an example of a faith-filled woman, one who people marvel at and ask 'how is she able to handle all that is set before her with such grace, such dignity?'.
But seriously? Part of me wants to punch somebody in the face, curse like a sailor, and go for the jugular showing no mercy in an attempt to hurt as bad as I have been hurt.
It's an everyday battle and I'm hardly perfect. Occasionally the witch in me rears her ugly head. It's a fact.
And you know, I'm kinda done apologizing for it.
Consider yourself warned :)

Lunches

2009-11-19T19:02:00.000-08:00

I went for out twice for lunch this week, once with an old friend from high school that I lived with for a few months before I got married, and once with the wife of one of my Ex's friends - the only one that still talks to me.
Anyways, I have to say that both were quite enlightening and very enjoyable.
At the first one, my friend related her own personal experiences with her parents divorcing when she was 5. She eloquently shared her memories and emotions with such grace that I was washed over with gratitude that I know this fabulous lady. I felt comfort and hope for the future because she did turn out so amazing and normal. Bless you C, I love you.
The second lunch was just as fun, catching up on kids and work and life. One of the things that was confirmed to me by her was that I didn't screw my Ex up - he was that way before I even met him. "His stupidity is the trigger to your happiness" she said. Thanks B! I can't even express my relief and the peace of mind that conversation brought to me. Not only that, she also shared with me advice on how to juggle it all as a working mom. I came away from that meeting enlightened and inspired.
Lesson learned: never underestimate the influence you can have in another person's life, even if all you share with them time wise is your lunch hour.

Another Ah Ha... Love Those

2009-11-15T21:52:00.000-08:00

So I did the little quiz, do-it-yourself test as to "Why your with the one you're with" as posted on my other blog.
I've decided that I want to record my findings here. Not all, but some.
Growing up as the oldest of 5 children, in a very religious household, there were a lot of expectations placed on me as a child. Some real, some perceived.
Eventually, without getting into the details too much, at 18 I rebelled. I was done with the expectations, the living to please others, trying to be what others told me I should be. I had never felt so free.
A few years later I married, children quickly followed, and I was doing my best to be the perfect little do-good wife and mother, one who kept my mouth shut to all of the indiscretions, heartache, all the while trying (and largely failing) to live up to all of the expectations placed upon me by in-laws who were kept in the dark about their son.
After 11 years, I had to tap out.
Since he moved out, and I face a life where I get to decide what my future looks like without being attached to someone who I don't feel safe with, I am again reveling in the same feeling of freedom.
So what have I learned about myself and what I need so that the past has less of a chance of repeating itself?
IF I choose to ever get into a long term relationship again, I need to feel free. Free to make my own choices and be myself. Accepted for who I am.
I have gained strength, confidence, and I know who I am better than I ever have before. I will want someone who is comfortable, and can handle that.
Not rocket science, but add that to the rest of the long list of 'must have's' and 'can not have's' and suddenly finding that ideal man seems pretty unlikely.
But even if 'he' never shows up or doesn't even exist, at least one of my most basic needs is still being fulfilled:
Freedom to just be me.

Are You Sure You Want To Go There??

2009-11-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

Let me get this straight:
You were unfaithful to me for YEARS
You said that you had no desire to work things out
You were impatient, asking me when I was going to finally leave OUR house with our children to move into my parents place so you could have the 3000 sq ft house to yourself
You promised that you would always take care of me financially, which in your mind must mean 12.4% of your annual income to be allotted for spousal support while I go back to school for a few years
You, at the end of all this, still get to walk away with a house in Mexico completely paid for that you can make rental income off of, your classic car, your Harley, a truck and trailer, an intact pension, not to mention the freedom to, ahem, 'see' whoever you want while being free of that suppressive, clingy woman who bore the title of 'your wife' for 11 years
You get this years Halloween, Christmas, and Easter with the children
.........and YOUR the one who is pissed off??
Really??
Yeah, your right, you're really hard done by. Just remember, it's you who chose ALL of this so if you're not happy, that's just too frickin bad. Take your temper tantrums somewhere else.

Mormon Lent?? I'm In :)

2009-10-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

My cousin posted on her blog http://thewoodchips.blogspot.com/ that she wants to give some stuff up that's hard for her for the entire month of November. Got me thinking, what could I give up for a month? I mean, as a Mormon, there's already A LOT of things that I already don't do that quite frankly the rest of the world thinks we're kinda crazy for, like coffee, booze, sleeping around, smoking, etc, etc, etc. Now add to that all of the things that I've already given up this year, my house, any physical contact with the opposite sex that's more than a hug, most of my old life's securities, relationships with friends and his family, just to name a few. You can start to see my reluctance in giving up anything else. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm also the type of person that's always looking for more ways to better myself, to improve while also being entirely realistic in setting a goal I could actually achieve. So while I'm not giving up facebook, txting, junk food, shopping for shoes, swearing, TV, or my iPod, I can give up on my late nights. I get to bed ridiculously late, probably because I have a lot floating around in this head of mine and rather than lay in bed and stress, I go out and drive, or I blog, or I watch TV online, or facebook, or whatever I can to distract myself until I'm exhausted and know that I will fall asleep almost immediately. Downside? I'm looking in the mirror and not liking what I'm seeing. I look haggard, my skin is breaking out and looks flat rather than bright, those little lines under my eyes are only getting deeper, not to mention that I'm just plain tired. And of course coping skills are not at their peak when all I can think about is when can I squeeze a nap into my day.

So I'm on the wagon. My goal is to be in bed, lights out, on my way to dreamland every night for the month of November BY MIDNIGHT. I'll be back to let you know how I'm doing, because of course you care ;)

These Are My Inner Thoughts Alright...

2009-10-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm a strong woman.
I'm starting to see it sometimes. Not just see, but believe it right to my core.
Sometimes.
And it's in those moments that I know I can do this, this life by myself with my two precious little people in tow.
And then there are the moments where the fear of failing, of trusting again, of rejection are all encompassing and leave me frantic to hang on to someone. But I don't. Partly because there's no one, and partly because I'm afraid to need like that.
What I long for, and once in a while ache for, is someone at the end of the day who I don't have to be strong for, someone who will wrap me up and let me know that I'm safe with them, flaws and all. Someone who will take care of me. Someone who won't break my heart.
Until then, I have no choice but to keep on being strong.

Everybody Loves a Head Case

2009-10-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Let me explain something else.
These are a sampling of things people have been saying to me lately:
You look great!
You are amazing!
You are so brave!
Sounds like you have it all under control.
You're beautiful.
You can do this.
He's a freaking loser for letting you go.
You won't be single for long.

While I am really and truly grateful when such nice things are said to me, or about me, there is something that I need to confess.

I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT!!!!!

Because if I did... if I let myself believe the things that people are telling me... then that would make me feel like I'm special.
I don't want to be special, or stand out in a crowd.
I WANT to be average.
Because there is safety in being average.
No one expects amazing things from average people.
No one says, 'it's too bad that she's single - she's so average'.
You can hide away in 'averageness' with less chance of flaws and insecurities being gawked at and analyzed by the masses.
And for some unexplainable reason, it makes all the past hurts hurt less. Maybe because when someone treats you like you're worth less and you believe them and then repeat in your head all of the things that you are not, all the ways you will never measure up, and then someone else tells you something different, something new, you feel cheated. Smaller. And VERY confused because someone is lying to you.
And from then on, whenever you do something great, you think the first person was full of crap. But because you have also repeated their crap over and over in your own head for so long, it opens a whole new (and sometimes intimidating) way of looking at yourself.
And then of course when you do anything dumb or stupid, then you feel like the second group of people are blind and misguided because if they knew you in these moments then they would surely see what you have seen and believed all along.
What if I can't live up to all of these new compliments?
What if I'm just a messed up head case of a girl that everyone, especially men, should stay the heck away from?
Pretty sure I could pull off average.
Amazing scares me. But probably because deep down, that's what I want to be.

Count Your Many Blessings

2009-10-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

Word of warning - you are reading this on my venting blog, not my "we have it all together" blog which can only mean one thing - I need to vent.

I am a grateful person most of the time. I can see the good in almost every situation. So these are some of the things that I really am grateful for.

I am grateful that I am not living everyday wondering what my husband is up to.
I am grateful that I feel taller, happier, brighter, and far better looking with out him.
I am grateful that, while I am by no means perfect, I can walk away knowing that I did all I could, that this (divorce, breaking up our family, kids crying themselves to sleep at night, me having anxiety attacks because I now get to provide for myself and 2 children because he has no conscience and is feels completely comfortable screwing me over financially, because screwing me over physically, emotionally, and mentally for the last 11 years wasn't enough) was his call because 1) he refused to stop his lies and 'extracurricular activities' and I was done dealing with them, and 2) he didn't want to try to keep this together due to the lure of a relationship with another woman (which, by the way, didn't last... SHOCKER!!)
I am grateful for the amazing invention of texting so that I almost never have to speak directly to him.
I am grateful to know that - while there may not be someone else in my future - at least there won't be him.

Happy Thanksgiving.

It's a Dirty Job...

2009-09-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

When the (f)it hits the (sh)an as many times as it has in my life, it's going to take a while to get my poop in a group :)

I Just Needed a Few Days

2009-09-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

So, I'm fine, really.

I have moments where I'm less than fine and I guess because I've never really been one for drama, I don't know what to DO with all of this.... emotion.

I've always buried it and dealt with it alone. Now there's too much to contain and I sometimes feel like a cook with too many pots boiling over. Yeah - whatever - I know I made a cooking analogy and I don't cook but whatever - you get my point.

Point is that I'm fine, almost all of the time. Point is that I have learned from my pain - that it comes and goes and that I will survive, only to go through a different pain down the road.

Most of all though, really, I'm doing ok. And I'm still smiling - on the inside and the outside.

The Reasons

2009-09-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

I can see the walls going up again.

They are familiar to me.

I've been here before, and it's not my favorite place.

But how much can one girl take?

I'm pulling back from my life, I know I shouldn't. I know I should be worried. But right now I feel like my batteries are tapped out. That it's time for survival mode for a while. The energy I have left will be poured into getting up out of bed. Getting dressed. Putting on the plastic face for my children that all will be just fine. Moving around the house. And going to bed.

There is nothing extra in me right now for chatting. For social engagements. For blogging. For anything other than what I listed above. I am walking a very fine line right now and I know it and feel it.

I hate depression. I don't want to be. But I know my body. After many months of this stress, it whacks out the delicate levels of hormones in my brain. My adrenal glands have been firing like crazy resulting in anxiety attacks for months. My thyroid is messed up too. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I haven't yet crossed the line, but I can see it. Clearer than I want to.

So I am shutting down. If I don't power back up by next week, then we have a problem. See you on the flip side.

My New Friend

2009-08-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

In my life I have a few very close friends that have stood the test of time and have remained with me throughout all my ups and downs, whether it be standing right by my side or holding me in their heart.
I have also had close friends that were there in my life only for a season. And while those didn't last, I still cherish them for what they were and how much they made me who I am today.
Recently, I have made a new friend. I'm not entirely sure which of the two above categories this friendship will fall under but I do know that it has very quickly grown into something really special to me. What has been the most surprising to me is the fact that this is so clearly what is meant for the both of us right now.
I have no fears or insecurities about sharing who I really am to him. All of my trust issues (which, come on, let's face it, I have my reasons to have a good fair share of them) are not registering. I have no walls up with him at all. I know there is nothing that I can't talk to him about. In the very short time span that we have known each other, I have been completely open and honest about who I am without reservation. At all. This alone has me shaking my head and wondering what is going on here. And I think he's doing the very same thing.
While my kids have been gone camping with their dad these last two weeks, he and I have been almost inseparable, just enjoying getting to know each other better. I will always look back on the this time that we have had as a blessing, an opportunity to build a solid foundation for a friendship that I hope will last forever. Who knows though. Time will tell. Sometimes life happens and things aren't meant to be. What I do know is that whatever this is - it's pretty rare, at least for me anyways. He's a gift, and I am a very lucky girl.

Out of Sorts

2009-07-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

So, I did it. I moved out of MY house. And I am a whole bundle of emotions about it but the leading one - is some ticked!!!!!!!!
I am mad.
I am mad at his Dad. Picture the following: He comes over to my house just three days short of me leaving (which to anyone else who has ever moved means that you're right in the thick of it right???) looks around my yard (which I haven't mowed for 2 weeks because it has either been raining, or I've been busy packing) and says "looks like you've got a jungle going out there!" Me: "I know, I've just been busy, the grass can wait" to which he replies "busy doing what?" !?!?!?!?!? (did he really just say that to me??) "Packing" "uh huh??" Now this is classic FIL implying that I am yet again a lazy do-nothing who has her priorities all mixed up, that is if I had any ambition to have any to begin with. I just let him know that he can put his mind at ease, it will be done by Monday when I move out.
Feelin' the love yet?
Follow that up with this conversation not 10 minutes later "So when are you moving?" "Monday" "I have to tell you I think you are making a mistake" "You mean in not keeping the house???" "yeah" "I can't afford to keep it and buy T. out. Trust me, I have run the numbers and I can't make it work" "well, if you can't afford it then how is T. going to?" " I don't know. I'm sure he'll figure something out though."
And is my 10 year old son sitting right beside me?? As he questions my line of thinking?? Yes, yes he is.
Make. Me. Crazy!!!!!
The SIL is no better. Hasn't really spoken to me in at least 2 months other than one polite meeting on parade day. Calls me up the other day to ask if I could come and stay at her empty house to watch her dog and her cat and my dog while she and her family, the in-laws, my ex and my kids all go on the same two week camping trip that we ALL went on last year. Gee - can I???
Sensitivity is obviously NOT a trait that has been cultivated nearly enough there.
Maybe I was just brought up differently. Before you say something, STOP AND THINK about how the other person is going to hear/feel if you say what it is you feel you just gotta say. THINK OF THE OTHER PERSON, NOT YOURSELF.
(sigh)
Oh, and FYI? Someone who is weak, undisciplined, and selfish would be quite unable to hold her tongue FOR YEARS ON END and put up with all of the CRAP that I have put up with. So maybe your opinions about me have been wrong - for a very looooong time.
Ahhhh.... that felt good. And that last bit is soooo going on the other blog :)

Happy Birthday Blues

2009-07-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

Today he turns 40.
I didn't know what to do to mark the occasion so I sent the kids with some money to go shopping for a special gift for him. I also sent him an email. Nothing big or fancy, just an 'I'm thinking about you today and hope you have a great day" kinda thing.
Maybe it's because I'm already feeling a little under the weather anyways, but I got kinda emotional. I mean, we've celebrated this day together for the last 13 years and it's kinda hard not to feel like this is his special day and he doesn't want me there anymore.
Waa, waa. I know. I'm sucking it up now, haha. It's all good and really I'm fine. I just miss him today I guess and I still really care about him, whether he cares back or not.
It's hard not to think about last year camping in Idaho, candles in a bunch of King Dons. Or the year before, same treat but in the Redwoods, all of us, camping together as a family celebrating this man who is so special to us.
I very much doubt he reads this but whatever. Happy Birthday Trev. I really do wish you all the best.
Alison

Fate and Fireworks

2009-06-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in fate?
One person 'made' for each one of us?
Or do you believe that fate is a myth and that there are possibly quite a few people that we could get along swimmingly with for the rest of our lives.

I used to believe in fate.
Now I don't.

New topic:
Have you ever had fireworks with someone? Not just your average 'butterflies' feeling but such an intense attraction that you couldn't hold your hands steady if you tried (never mind the rest of you), that forming complete sentences was monumental because as soon as you were around him every intelligent thought left your brain. That you would avoid looking at him in a crowded room because if someone saw the two of you making eye contact there would be no way of disguising the chemistry you two had. He's the guy that you felt you had no natural defences around. The one you felt intensely drawn to with no logical explanation. The one that when you made eye contact, the air seemed to crackle with the electricity and everything else in the background went all fuzzy.
I have.
But only once.
And trust me, it's still pretty unforgettable.
What I regret is that I didn't pursue it at the time because it was so intense, and I was afraid that it was only one sided and I'd be rejected. I didn't take the risk. And now I'm left to wonder.

My question is does it ever happen more than once?
Or is it so rare that not everyone gets to even have it the one time, let alone more than that?

Are You Talking To... Me??

2009-06-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

I know. It's been a while.
But that's because things are, for now, good.
The sun is shining, my soon-to-be-ex is being civil, I have rearranged my priorities to better suit the direction and mind set I want for my future. I'm making new friends and really enjoying getting to know them better.
I still get lonely once in a while.
I still get sad once in a while.
It's still no cake walk but there are more occasions that have put a smile on my face than brought tears.
I'm working out a little and eating better and seeing an improvement in how I look and feel. (well, maybe not right this second as I am devouring a handful of Swedish Berries - love those things!)
I'm learning to love that person I see in the mirror (especially as there is a little bit less to love! Ok, pushing away the Berries now).
I'm still not sure what my future holds.
I have hope that I will someday find someone to share my love and life with. And of course I hope that comes sooner than later.
In the mean time though I am enjoying being noticed by men.
Are you as shocked by that statement as I am??
I am completely taken off guard by it, and I have no comebacks, which trust me, makes me look soo smart. This, being noticed by guys, is very rare for me. I'm not just saying that to be modest or anything. There have literally been 3 men that I can say for sure that have wanted and taken the time to get to know me. The real me.
I was not that girl in high school, the one who the guys flirted with, asked out, or dated. I felt pretty near invisible, and have for pretty much forever until just lately. And while I am completely flattered, I'm also stunned and bewildered - both of which I pray do not register on my face. And while I talk big, like I will be thrilled when I choose to start dating again, there's a pretty big part that is freaking scared to death. And don't know which is worse, being asked, or not being asked. Wait - scratch that - pretty sure NOT being asked at all would be worse.
But when a guy stops and makes a polite observation, and I know that he said something just to engage in a conversation with me, and I know that it's me he's talking to and not some hot chick behind me, it pretty much blows my mind. And makes my day, because I am so stunned that I end up thinking about it all day.
See? What did I tell you? I'm easy to please.

A Little Ranting Never Hurts

2009-06-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

I just want to be DONE!!
DONE chem.
DONE living here.
DONE being married.
DONE with getting the short end of the stick.
DONE with being treated like I'm worthless.
DONE. DONE! DONE!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

I want guarantees.
I want to KNOW that all this crap really will be worth it, and worth it long enough to enjoy it.
I want to KNOW that the future holds something a whole heck of a lot better than my past. Because seriously - if this is it? If this is all there is I'm gonna be some pissed off let me tell you!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Best Kind of Success is Found in the Dressing Room

2009-05-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, I promise, last post about boobs (at least for now).
Bra shopping. Who loves it? Who hates it?
For me, I know that I have to be in the right mood. Kinda like shopping for jeans, you gotta be in the mood because you know you're going to be trying on a shwack of different styles /sizes /colors, trying to push all your fleshy bits into some fabulous piece of clothing, and praying that it is more flattering than unfortunate. That your 'assets' are lifted and perky, reminding you of days long gone. I don't know about you but when I strike gold I stock up, because it is always my luck that as soon as I find a style that I like they discontinue it.
And then the first few times wearing those new jeans or bra, I feel.... what's a good word for it... Good. Mighty. Hot. Powerful. Feminine. Haha - but then again, it doesn't take much. I've always been pretty easy to please.

Umm... Hello...Have we met??

2009-05-21T23:56:00.000-07:00

Hahaha!!!
So, apparently if you put the word 'Boobs' in the title of your blog post, you suddenly get visitors from all over the world popping over to have a looky. More proof that this woman's mind is still pretty niave :) So, if you are one of the new visitors - welcome and please, feel free to leave your first name and where you're from. Heck, why doesn't everyone who visits this one leave a quick hello. Go on - make my day :)

Men Are Stupid and They Like Big Boobs

2009-05-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

That is the title of a Joan River's book that caught my attention while I was at Chapters this weekend. I happen to believe that her observation is true of many men and so I picked it up to flip through. It had me captivated for the next 25 minutes as Joan went through many of the plastic surgery operations available out there, what they would cost, exactly what they do, recovery times, all punctuated with her witty take on the whole process. Great book for anyone thinking about getting some work done.
I have thought about it before, and am back to thinking about it again. The top of my list would be nose and boobs. I have always had my dad's beak, and while I think it looks fabulous on him, me? Not so much. And the sisters? Well, let's just say I miss the pre-baby me. Reading about what all goes into the recovery is what has me pausing for thought though. And the possibility that I will go through all of that and be disappointed with the results. One thing she stressed though was that you get what you pay for - the more expensive the surgeon, the better quality job you're going to get.
Good book, good laughs, good info. As for her analysis on the opposite sex, well, I'll leave that one up to you.

Where is the real me?

2009-05-15T13:45:00.001-07:00

So, what a difference a few days makes. What changed? Not much really. But I did something just for me - outside of the rules, spontaneous and completely rejuvenating. I took off.
I was on the phone with my best friend and she was telling me about a fab book she is reading about making your life better, and recognizing that there are different phases. You can make each phase what you want it to be. Wow. What I want?? What do I want? So long I feel like I've been living under someone elses expectations of what a good mom is, a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, all of that. Now I am free (well, all but by law and that's in motion already). I can choose. I can be the loud girl at the party. I can be the one that helps save a life. I can be the one who dances in the rain. I can be the one who dances on the tables at parties while it's raining to save my own life if that's what I want.
Slowly but surely I am figuring out what I want. And light bulb moment!! I can change what I want whenever I want to! I have always been the girl who followed all the rules, having really no idea how to balance being good and having fun. To me, the two have never really gone together. These are a few of the thoughts clanking around in my brain while I was on the phone. She also mentioned a 100 list - a bucket list if you will. 100 things I want to do before my time is up. I'm not going to lie - 100 things sounds like a lot of things. So I started last night with #1 and am up to 16 things so far. I'll just take it from there. One of these days soon I will post my list of things so far.
So, like I said - I took off. I went into the city, spur of the moment on a whim to go see my best friend and watch last week's episode of Grey's before the season finale last night. I drove fast. I looked good. I had the music blaring - an not on the classical station! I felt myself coming alive again. That feeling is still with me today. I'm on the road to finding me and it feels pretty great. Well, at least for today ;)

Cold Turkey

2009-05-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

WARNING:
If you are a family member you may not want to read this post as it may contain TMI (too much information) Remember - this is my blog. This is the one where I let it all out. If you want to read about my family's daily happenings - the more G to PG rated stuff then stop here and go to the other blog posted there on the side. This is my blog and my new life and I've decided to be less inhibited, less private, less proper. This could very well be the new me. I don't want to hear about whether or not you agree with my take on things - especially the following things!

I have a new BFF. She's my CBFF. My Celibate BFF. She's LDS too and in an even bigger predicament than me in that she actually has a new man right in front of her and is being as good as humanly possible. Divorced Mormon women - the ones who hang on to their values for dear life - are some of the toughest, strong-willed people on this planet. The only ones who beat them out is the men, because let's face facts here - they are men!

I've tried it all. I've cut out ALL TV programs except for Survivor. That includes Grey's and Private Practice people!! McSteamy! McDreamy! AHHH!!!! I have no radio on in the car. I have freaking classical music on my other blog for the very reason being that everything makes me think, or want, or miss "IT". I miss it all. I miss even just the touch of a man. Hand on the small of my back, hand in my hair, holding hands, hands and arms holding me close and everything else further down that line. Actually, what I can't get out of my head is a pair of man hands that grab the sides of my ribs to pull me close and then slide around to my back to hold me there. I think about that one all. the. time.

I've been chewing gum like someone trying to kick a smoking addiction just to keep my mouth busy because when it's not, either my jaw is clenched or the tip of my tongue tingles reminding me of kisses that I want to share so bad it's making me crazy!!!

I don't miss it with him - in fact quite the opposite. But the hope that there had so better be someone better is making me seriously come out of my skin!! You know it's bad when you are walking by the cheesecake display case in the Cheesecake Cafe and at first glance you think the Callibeaut Chocolate Cheesecake actually read Celibate Chocolate Cheesecake. True story. And that is the one I picked out (once I stopped to read the little sign again. Fabulous btw).

Quiting cold turkey sucks you guys!! You don't even know! Unless of course you do and then Hello! You get it!! I look at some of these single women in church who have been married before and they have been single for umpteen years and I just don't know if I have it in me to go that long!! I'm amazing but still human you know ;)

*SIGH*

And my wait continues..... Aw man!! Haha :)

Beware of the late night posts!

2009-05-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

Haha :) I find that whatever feelings I have been trying to hide/bury/mask all come out at night. I somehow don't feel I'm alone in this.
Last week, and for most of this one - minus a brief wonderful weekend where I could escape my world and be reminded of who I am/was with my mom and YYBFF (younger years best friend forever) - I have been feeling anxious and always have my heart aching. I've been able to still go about all the things I usually do, for the most part , and have been able to put on the happy face but I am grieving.
Why do I even care about this man that has hurt me time and time again? Why do I care that he is with someone new who has integrity equal to his own?
Because we had a life together, a life he did not value as I did. I gave him my heart and he did not treat it with care - he stomped on it. I picked it back up, put it back together, dusted it off, and cautiously held it out to him again. And he stomped on it again. And again. And again. And again.
Why did I keep trying, you may ask? Vows. 70x7. Kids. Hope is hard to kill.
In fact, I still have hope. Not in that he will one day get what's coming to him, not in that he will realize that I am someone special someday, not in that he will one day call me up and tell me his regrets, but that my heart can be healed through the Atonement. That what my friends tell me just might be true - that there are men out there that will value my morals, integrity, righteousness (not perfection - there's a difference!), honesty, and a not too shabby exterior ;) And even if no one comes my way, I still have the inner peace that comes from not being ashamed. I also know that peace will show outwardly in my eyes, my walk, my actions, my countenance. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to step carefully through the dark to get to it :)

I'm still human

2009-04-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

So, for any of you that read my most recent post (which I have deleted) I'm sorry. I AM only human and venting did feel pretty good, but I guess putting it all out there for anyone to read wasn't very mature. I'm still trying to be a better person - thanks for hang in there with me.

Unloading

2009-03-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

Okay - here it is. I don't have the mental capacity to try and come up with a 'plot' for this. I'm just letting it all out - right here.

I am in so much pain.
I hurt all the time.
I have hurt many times over the years and this pain is not new. It is old, and I know it well. I know it is going to last a long time.
It has changed who I am and I resent it for that.
I can not be who I want to be, who I should be because it is ever-present.
When it gets really bad, I get a little frantic inside and wonder what I can find to try and numb it - take the edge off.
Booze? Drugs? God? A fling?
In the end I do nothing because maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be.
I know that I am exhausting my friends.
But if I don't get this out it will eat me up and I will implode.

I'm also really, really pissed off.
He's out living the life he has always wanted and I am here trying to figure out what the heck to do next and how to pull whatever 'it' is off.
I feel cornered with limited options.
I just can not go to school full time for four years and still be a good mom.
I probably can't choose anything with shift work because he does shift work, and of course, that is what I want to do - work at the hospital.
I need to make good money because I have NO desire to be dependant on him for anything ever again.
There are times when I hate him. I usually try to nip those feelings off in the bud because hate is like a cancer and it does nothing to hurt him. Just me. But I still do sometimes.

I feel worthless.
Rejected.
Invisible.
Weak.
Dumb.
Pathetic.
And afraid that I not only feel these things, but that I am these things.

(I need a good title - any suggestions?)

2009-03-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

As she is driving home to see her most favorite little people in the whole world, a realization pushes in past the emotions steadily churning inside. It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining for the first time in about a week, shining on the mountains and the snow in the fields. Days like this usually lift her spirits and hope pours in.

Not now.

Always a feeling before thinking. Her mind questions her heart. Realization begins to dawn.

Anger.

She is angry.

As recognition comes, the feeling immediately grows almost as if it had been lurking in the corner for a while and once spotted comes to make a formal greeting.

She knew angers companions well - hurt and frustration - but rarely saw anger in it's pure form. But here it was, smirking at her.

Upon the advice of a dear friend, to confront every emotion that comes along, she begins to do something that she has never done before. She starts to yell. Yelling at someone who is not there to hear. On and on she rants, waiting for the anger to melt into tears or hurt, but it does not. So she continues, punctuating her sentences with hand gestures and banging the steering wheel, not caring if the other drivers sharing the road notice. She is a little surprised at her desire to have her fist connect hard with someones face.

The miles roll by. She is close to home. Not wanting this battle to continue when she gets there, she wraps the tirade up, takes a couple of deep breaths and ponders on all of the things that had spewed forward. Nothing revolutionary had been revealed. There was nothing she hadn't said before. She was aware that the anger had not left her completely, it was back in its corner, waiting to come out again sometime. And that would be fine. She'd be ready then too. She has become a woman who is finally unafraid of emotion and all that comes with the different forms. The displays, the confronting, the accepting, the sharing, all of it. And she marvels again at how free she feels, comparing it to how stifled she used to be without being aware of it.

Free.

Free.

Pulling into her drive, a smile spreads across her face. It is a beautiful day.

Stalling

2009-01-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

She was alone. And most days she was quite content to be so. Sure, she had her family not too far away. They were great, as were her friends, at making sure that she really was okay with it all. She was, after all, a confident woman determined to be successful on the new path that her life was on. She had seen her fair share of bumps in the road and was mature enough to know that life would inevitably bring more. She also knew that she would be able to weather them when they did, just as she had done in the past. She still felt as though the future was full of hope and opportunities.
But tonight, she was alone. And she felt it.
She had seen him earlier in the evening and everything was fine. They chatted casually for a few minutes and then he had to get going. As she closed the door behind him, she felt an ache in her heart. That feeling lingered and intensified until she felt as though her heart had been sucked from her chest leaving a cavernous void.
It didn't happen every time, not even all that often. But when it did, it was hard to keep emotions from bubbling over. There was no doubt in her mind about the decision to separate, just surprise sometimes at how much it hurt still. She hoped that those feelings would lessen with time and that she would find joy in a quality relationship again someday. The problem with someday though is that one never knows when it will get here. So she questioned herself - does she miss him specifically, or miss loving and being loved?
She knows she will not find the answer to that question tonight. What she does know is that she needs to go to bed but is stalling, for there is no one there waiting for her. And the vacuum continues. At least for tonight.

2008-11-21T12:00:00.000-08:00

She woke up with a start. She had been dreaming. A deep breath and reality comes seeping back into her mind. Laying in her bed she rolls over and stares at the ceiling, reflecting on that dream. Knowing that dreams are made up of subconcious thoughts and feelings, she tries to make sense of it all.
Images from her dream that seemed so real at the time were flooding back. Here in her bed she is safe, but moments ago her mind was telling her that she was not. Or at least, her heart wasn't.
But it is now. Events had come about that would change the way that she dealt with herself. She would no longer hold out for, and accept, less than what she wanted and deserved. She is suprised at the interpretation of the sub-concious thoughts she was having just minutes ago, and wondered just how long she had felt at risk for another blow, and powerless to do anything about it.
As the dream faded away, she smiled, because she knew that the key players in her life that had left deep emotional scars, held a different ranking order. Peace flowed in and hope for the future brightened. For dreams are not reality.

All She Ever Wanted

2008-10-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

She's sitting down at the computer screen, staring at it a long while. Her inbox is full of the usual, jokes from her friends, an invite to a candle party next week, a note from her mom telling her to take good care of herself and that if she were there in person she'd give her a hug. There were the deals on Rolex watches and Viagra if she would just click on a link, and reminders of the upcoming hockey game for one of the kids. But the one that has her attention is one from her husband. He is at work today and sent her a note. One she never expected. It reads:

Hey baby, I can't get you out of my mind today. Why don't we go out for dinner tonight and spend the evening together. You get the sitter and I'll take care of the rest. Love you.

Her mind goes into a kind of delighted shock. Something deep inside of her was stirring, like the memory of someone she used to be before kids, and bathrooms, and homework, and laundry.
She reads his message about a dozen more times, getting more excited each time. She pauses to quickly think through the logistics of getting the kids ready for a sitter, places the call, and has it all arranged in less than ten minutes.

She spends the rest of the day in happy anticipation of her evening out with the man she loves. She had a bounce in her step, and her daily tasks are done with an extra bit of satisfaction. She takes greater care on her hair and make up, and picking out something nice to wear.

The sitter arrives and still she waits for him to come. The phone rings just as she was starting to lose a bit of the high she had been riding on all day. It is him. He is running just a little behind, but would be there in less than five minutes. She sighs just a little and feels her good mood returning to full force almost immediately. She watches for his car and as it pulls into the drive, she says goodbye to the children, thanks the sitter again, and grabs her coat and purse. She doesn't wait for him to come in before she heads out the door, and meets him coming up the sidewalk. He walks straight to her and without slowing down, he has her in his arms, his mouth pressed against hers. She is taken off guard by his actions and her response to them. Butterflies.

Are you ready? he asks, and without waiting for an answer, he takes her hand and they walk to the car. As they pull out of the driveway, she looks at him, and he glances at her and smiles a smile that she knows he is exactly where he wants to be. It fills her spirit to almost overflowing and she knows in her heart that she is wanted.

Owned

2008-10-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

She stood at the bedroom window, gazing down the road. Actually, it was more like glaring. She was watching. Waiting. Waiting for familiar headlights to turn down their road and pull into her driveway. Her stomach felt sick, and there was a heaviness in her chest that had become all too familiar. But her mind was crystal clear.

"Damn it, where is he?" she muttered under her breath. As she did so, she felt the flutters of panic inside. Her anger pushed them deeper for now, but she knew they would resurface again later.

She had stood there in the dark for almost an hour, and in her mind she knew that it was ridiculous. It had occurred to her that she might be slipping into craziness, knowing that looking up the road was hardly going to bring him home to her any sooner. But the compelling force that kept her rooted to that spot was almost unearthly.

"Why am I even here?" she chided.

Laura thought of herself as a smart woman. She had finished high school with reasonable grades, and had made her own way through nursing school. She had landed a job at the Grace hospital as a surgical nurse, and loved surgery in a way that would have surprised her seventh grade science teacher. She loved the rhythm of it. Methodical. Precise. Some of her fellow students didn't like the drama of it all, life hanging in the balance, one false move and life is lost. Laura didn't see it that way. Life and death was all very matter of fact to her. She had been raised in a faith-filled home, and knew that this life was just part of the grand scheme of things. She left it all in the hands of God. He was the one who decided who lived and died, not her.

Church was a big part of her growing up. Now she had found a place for it in her life, but didn't feel it was the be-all and end-all. She had no desire to be a religious fanatic, but did want to be a good person and follow the example of Christ. She had always liked to help people. That is what drew her to nursing. And to Ethan.

Ethan. Just the thought of his name tonight made her seethe.

Headlights turned down the quiet street, making emotion jump into her throat. Not him. Her stomach churned as she tried to breath through it and keep her vigil.

Ethan was unlike anyone else she had ever met before. Not that she had very much experience with men at the time. He was very good looking, confident with out being arrogant, and had an easy smile. But what was engraved on her mind after meeting him was the smell of him. It was intoxicating. There were times even now, after being together for so long, that she would pick up his cologne bottle to smell it, and all of those fantastic first feelings would come rushing in. It gave her a mild high.

They had met at a club that she used to frequent in her 'rebellious' days. He was a friend of a friend. When they had first been introduced, she noticed him taking her in. Not the obvious up and down assessment that was so common and even more irritating. He intentionally held her gaze. His words were deliberate. He repeated her name in their conversation as if he said it all the time, and made it sound like it was a pleasure to say. At least, that is the way he made her feel.

Through their conversation, she found out that they both had an interest in golfing. She told him about her dad taking her to the driving range when she was young, and then on to the course once she could hold her own. She loved those times with her dad. The memory of the anticipation in the car on the way of having his attention all to herself for a few hours was like a warm blanket to her now. The smell of the grass, the sound of the swoosh, the ping of contact. Her dad was a quiet man, and his encouragement of her and her progress was the same. If Laura had a good drive, after squinting to follow the ball, he'd often place his hand on her shoulder and say something like "Not too much longer and you'll be giving me a run for my money." She could feel herself glowing on the inside, and growing about an inch on the outside.

Ethan mentioned that the company he worked for was holding a charity golf tournament in a couple of weeks. He asked if she still played. She did, and he invited her to come and play on his team. He already had a couple of other guys lined up, but could easily use a fourth, and would she be interested. She politely said she would consider it, but would have to check her work schedule. Phone numbers were exchanged, and they spent a better part of their evening out together.

"Meeting at a club. Man, I am such an idiot. Since when does that ever work out?" The intense feelings of anger she was feeling for him were starting to take aim on her. "He must have known that I was a 'sweet girl' that he could take advantage of. That I'd be too dumb to do anything about it." She was aware that this could be a dangerous chain of thought to continue, that it was bound to happen after being angry for this long. Not yet. There will be no pity party tonight.

He had called a couple of days later to see if she was indeed willing to come with him. She had thought of little else. The girls at the hospital said she should go for it. She was young, beautiful, and it was in broad daylight, and in a public place. What could it hurt?

What could it hurt?

Laura agreed to meet him there. After trying on at least four different golf shirts, she settled on the apple green one that she knew really flattered her coloring. Plus, it hugged her curves in all the right places without being too revealing. She tied up her auburn hair in a slick ponytail, sprayed the fly aways, and was set. She arrived with some time to spare and took a look around at the raffle items and door prizes. The large sign advertising the event boldly stated that the charity the proceeds were to be donated to was the Grace Hospital. Imagine that, she thought. Ethan spotted her just as she noticed him and he made his way over to her.

"You didn't mention that this was for the Grace Hospital" she told him after he had greeted her with a warm smile and a quick, casual hug.

"I didn't? Oh, well, yeah. My family was in a car accident years ago, and my brother and my Mom had an extended stay there. The staff was amazing and our treatment was over and above. Events like that tends to change your life. I mean, this is our small way of returning our thanks to the place that gave us hope when there wasn't much of it."

"Are your Mom and brother okay?" she asked cautiously.

"They are just fine. Mild scarring for both of them, and my Mom's shoulder gives her grief now and again, but other than that, no lasting problems," he answered easily.

"So, you had a hand in organizing this today?"

"Yes, I did" he answered with a smile that she was beginning to enjoy.

They had time for a leisurely drink before it was their turn to head out onto the course, so they headed for the bar. There they met up with the two men that were to complete their foursome. Both of them were older, late forties, she guessed. And they were already having a great time. Laughing and joking continued the whole round, and she had a wonderful time. She had done well at her game, impressing the men, but was glad to see that the mood was intended to be fun rather than cutthroat. She stayed for the dinner that followed and enjoyed herself. Ethan was great company, and it all seemed so easy, right from the start.

As the relationship progressed, both of her friends pointed out how happy she seemed, and that he really was a great guy. She was happy. And he was great for her. The future could only bring bliss.

Her feet were going numb. A glance at the clock told her she'd been standing in the same place for over an hour and a half. Stewing. Almost to a boil.

Headlights.

It's him.

A jolt of anxiety courses through her whole body, and she hurries away from the window to avoid being seen. She climbs into the bed they share, and buries herself under the covers. She is shaking and trying to keep her breathing even. In the few minutes she is waiting for him to come inside, she is completely aware that she is not mad at him for any transgression committed on this night. Tonight, she was wrestling with a memory. One that has gripped her for a long time. As he makes his way into the bedroom, he kisses her on the forehead, and moves to get ready for bed.

"How was the game?" she asks, pleased that it came out so calm.

"Good. We stopped in for a quick beer after at the pub. I thought you'd be asleep by now?"

"I almost was," she lies. "I'm glad you had a good time."

"Thanks," he says as he crawls in bed beside her. "G'night honey."

"Night."

Laura rolls over with her back to him, and with clarity realizes this memory owns her.