Good Morning

When I dream of you, I wake up smiling.  Everytime.

Yeah, No... I'm Good

I love the show Survivor.  Watch it all the time.  And I always think to myself how, while it sucks to get voted off the island by people you thought you could trust, how glad they must be for a real bed, a toothbrush, and a hot shower to finally get the gunge off, and move on with your life.
I was voted off the island.
And trust me that dropping his last name feels just as wonderful as taking off the dirty, disgusting clothes that those contestants wear for days on end.
Ahhhh....
Finally.
Back to the real me.

Still

So, I'm back.
I thought or was maybe hoping somewhere inside that when I got back things would be different.  I'd be this changed person or that I'd understand myself better or even just look at myself differently in the mirror.
But I don't.
It's all the same.
I'm still me, whoever that is.
And I'm back to the same problems I left behind.
Still not divorced.
Still no sale on my house.
My kids still aren't home.
Up to my eyeballs in debt.
Mooching off my folks.
And sleeping alone.

I need to get out of the house today.

Which One Is You?

I can't remember which blog I did this on the last time, but it was fun and interesting so I'm doing it again here.  Here's what's going on.  I'm writing a pile of sentances, each one to a different person without actually naming the person.  These are all things I would like to say directly but don't because - oh I have lots of reasons because.  Ok, here it goes:

1 - You're beautiful inside and out, and far cooler than I thought you'd be.  I'm glad I'm getting to know you better.
2 - You are so calming to be around.  Thank you for being that way, it soothes so many weary hearts.
3 - I feel like you`ve changed and it's hard to be around you now.  I know you'll be offended and hold a grudge if I tell you so, so I don't.
4 - I'm kind of relieved that our friendship took the turn it did, and I feel horrible for feeling that way.  I could never have made you happy like you deserve.
5 - I know that you deserve more happiness in your life, but because there is no guarantee of that you are staying where you are, and I totally respect that.  But my heart hurts for you.
6 - I can't and don't respect you.  But one day I will forgive you.  I've begun working on it.
7 - Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself.
8 - Your life isn't easy I know, but I wonder what my life would be like with your problems instead of my own.  That being said, I wish I could do more to help ease those burdens you carry in a more tangible way all the time.
9 -  You're right, safe is easier than the unknown.  But if you never know for sure, will you feel regret?  I would, but that's just me.
10 - I hope and pray you get what you're waiting for.  Just don't forget to look in their eyes and see that you have happiness right here too.

It Feels Like Goodbye

I'm proud of you :)  You're doing the right thing and I support you in your decision.  And I hope that you're happier and more at peace within yourself too.
That's not to say that I don't miss you a lot.  I'm already missing the little moments, and I know that when the big events of my life that are coming up finally arrive, I will miss not being able to share my happiness with you.
Although I may never fully know what or who I was to you, this is what you meant to me:
I still count you as one on my closest friends, and I will never be able to look back on these life changing moments and not be able to think of you as well.  Your encouragement and belief in me, seeing what I could not, and helping me realize that even though someone thought I wasn't worth the energy and the time, someone else will. 
I suppose I could look back and think that maybe I'm still not, after all, you 'left' too. 
But I don't. 
That's how I know. 
That's how I know that I'm different.  Stronger than before.  Because of your tireless efforts in building me back up, I walk differently (haha, but still the same), I carry myself differently.  You helped me believe in me, as well as helped me to heal my heart.  And so I thank you forever.
Don't forget, I think you're amazing :)  I wish you love and happiness always, and will never forget you.  I really hope that one day our paths will cross again, and I will look forward to catching up over a cup of cider :) 
Hugs to you cutie boy...

To Paula

Kids are not stupid.  Especially not my kids.  And I'm not just saying that because I'm their Mom.  You know, the woman who is IRREPLACABLE in their lives.
I have so many questions for you, none of which I want an answer to be cause really, you disgust me to NO END.  But I do wonder what you tell yourself as you are sculking in to a married man's life.  A man with kids.  And then I wonder just how long you think you can pretend to care about those kids now when you obviously didn't when you had a major part in breaking up THEIR family.  I'm sure that you can put on a pretty good act, diguising your inner ugliness with puppies and board games, but a girl like you?  It's not going to last long before they see right through you.
And just in case you misunderstand me, I really don't care that you are with him.  In fact I'm glad.  Makes him "happier" along with the rest of the world because scum should always be with scum.  Saves the nice decent human beings from both your toxicity.  Really, you guys are made for each other.  Plus it will be fun to watch and see who cheats on who first, along with how many times you are together/not together.  And just as a side note, did you REALLY think that you were the first person he cheated with?  Or the second?  Or the third??  Yeah - have fun with that...
I guess in the end I should thank you though.  Thank you for tempting my spineless husband.  I have NEVER been happier.

Yes Honey, You Are an Idiot. Pretty Sure We Knew That Already Though. Glad To Know You See It Too.

Funny thing happened this week.
The Ex txted me a vengeful txt that didn't quite make sense.  When I questioned him about it, he replied that 'It means I'm an idiot. Nevermind.'
And thats when it all becomes blissfully clear - that txt wasn't meant for me... a girlfriend perhaps?  Perhaps the very same girlfriend that he left me for, the one who knew who I was, who met me, and was completely comfortable breaking up our family with the help of my idiot (his words) husband? the one he took to Palm Springs and then refused to admit on public record that adultery was the reason for this divorce?  the girl friend that broke up with him at least once already 5 weeks after said trip? the girlfriend that at sometime he began seeing again and had my kids - MY KIDS - meet and hang out with??
Oh yeah, the same one.
Pity things aren't going as planned for them.
And the best part?  Is that I think its completely hilarious.  And not in a 'I'm all bitter and I'm glad your life sucks right now' kind of way, but in a 'wish I could have seen your face when you realized you sent that to the wrong girl, this stuff only happens on tv' kind of way. 
Which tells me my heart is healing, faster than I thought it would.  And that's thanks to my best friends E, J, M, and C.  What would I do without you guys??  Really??