My Secrets

Some, not all of course....

I wish I had someone more like me at school to hang out with.  I realize everyday how much older I am than the girls I study with.

If he called and really wanted me back, I'd actually consider it.

I look for cute guys on the train in the morning.  Once in a while if I don't see any, I'll get off that car and try the next one.

My first thought when I see a man texting is that he's talking to his mistress.

Share your secrets anonymously if you like... more from me another day....

I'm Going to Tell You

The extended version of my current facebook status: I'm a woman who tells it like it is.  If the slit of your skirt is so high that myself and everyone else walking behind you on a busy downtown street can actually see your butt, I'm going to tell you.  If your shirt is hanging out of your open fly and you are the manager of a fast food place, I'm going to tell you.  If you are walking past me in Rona and I notice that you still have a curler in your hair, I'm going to tell you.  So sure as shootin', if you call out my family member on their facebook status and you've got your facts seriously messed up??  I'm going to tell you.  Period.

I'm Looking... Have You Seen Him?

It's back.
That feeling that something is missing... and that something is a man.
I would love to feel strong arms around me, and feel safe being there.  I would love to roll over in bed and feel the warmth of another body there too.  I want to share new experiences, see new places, and make lasting memories with someone special who sets me apart from all others.  I want to belong to someone, and belong with someone. 
I want to feel the rush, the comfort, the security that being with a man brings.  And not just any man... the man.  I'm not a hop around, any-guy-will-do-for-now kind of woman.  I want to give it all and get it all in return.  That's what I want.
Is he out there?
Yeah, he's out there.  Somewhere...

Tired

I'm losing my motivation to keep on keepin' on.  I'm tired, and my hope is getting a little banged up and dusty.  I'm starting to get swamped with all that I have to do, and yet I can hardly say that I'm doing this all on my own.  I feel dependant, and lacking in too many ways tonight.  I wish I would lay down in my bed and it would swallow me whole for at least a week.  I wish I was more, better, faster, stronger, (is that a song??), and not alone, and not in debt.  Blech.

A Good Quiet

This, my ranting place, has been quiet for a while. 
And for this I am grateful, because it means I'm at peace.
Much love... A

Bit By Bit

There are still going to be battles, the kind of the previous post and others. 
But I'm winning the war.
I know I am.
I'm not going to call retreat, but I am giving up on the battles that just don't matter anymore.  And the crazy amazing part is that giving up makes me stronger, not weaker, more at peace, and less enraged. 
I'm moving on you know :) more details at my other blog, you know, just in case you like my ramblings :)

Out of Reach Dreams

I think I might be going crazy.
No.... really.
I feel like there's always this battle going on inside of me, a battle between 'wants' and 'shoulds'.
I want to have a man look at me twice, but I shouldn't do anything to draw attention to myself.
I want to pursue and be pursued now, but I shouldn't because good girls wait until the time is right.
I want to give in to human desires, but I shouldn't because... well, the because is a little blurry right now on that one but I just know that it's a HUGE shouldn't.
I want a good, amazing, good-looking guy, but I shouldn't get my hopes up because even a pretty crappy guy didn't want to keep me.

I keep waiting... waiting and waiting and waiting, and most days I'm pretty patient about it.  Sometimes I wonder what the point of waiting at all is.  Sometimes I don't want to keep putting on the brave face, and be the one who keeps being the good girl because don't you know - good things come to those who wait. 
No.
No I don't know, actually.
I feel like the things I want, the things I dream about and hope for are not going to happen and that the lessons I'm to learn are that life doesn't turn out the way you want it to, even though for others it does.  I feel like I'm one of those people who have to learn to be happy without, all the while watching others less deserving, less good at following the rules, get to be carefree and at peace and bottome-of-your-soul happy.

In all the back and forth between want/should, happy/sad, tired/alive, going forward/slipping back, I'm getting all jumbled and comfused as to what I really want, and what is actually attainable.  Are my expectations and dreams to far too out there ever be reached?  Have I been watching too many chick flicks and Disney movies to have a firm grasp on reality? Do I even know what I want?
Yes.
I know what I want.
But does it exist?
I have no idea.