I can't remember which blog I did this on the last time, but it was fun and interesting so I'm doing it again here. Here's what's going on. I'm writing a pile of sentances, each one to a different person without actually naming the person. These are all things I would like to say directly but don't because - oh I have lots of reasons because. Ok, here it goes:
1 - You're beautiful inside and out, and far cooler than I thought you'd be. I'm glad I'm getting to know you better.
2 - You are so calming to be around. Thank you for being that way, it soothes so many weary hearts.
3 - I feel like you`ve changed and it's hard to be around you now. I know you'll be offended and hold a grudge if I tell you so, so I don't.
4 - I'm kind of relieved that our friendship took the turn it did, and I feel horrible for feeling that way. I could never have made you happy like you deserve.
5 - I know that you deserve more happiness in your life, but because there is no guarantee of that you are staying where you are, and I totally respect that. But my heart hurts for you.
6 - I can't and don't respect you. But one day I will forgive you. I've begun working on it.
7 - Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself.
8 - Your life isn't easy I know, but I wonder what my life would be like with your problems instead of my own. That being said, I wish I could do more to help ease those burdens you carry in a more tangible way all the time.
9 - You're right, safe is easier than the unknown. But if you never know for sure, will you feel regret? I would, but that's just me.
10 - I hope and pray you get what you're waiting for. Just don't forget to look in their eyes and see that you have happiness right here too.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
It Feels Like Goodbye
I'm proud of you :) You're doing the right thing and I support you in your decision. And I hope that you're happier and more at peace within yourself too.
That's not to say that I don't miss you a lot. I'm already missing the little moments, and I know that when the big events of my life that are coming up finally arrive, I will miss not being able to share my happiness with you.
Although I may never fully know what or who I was to you, this is what you meant to me:
I still count you as one on my closest friends, and I will never be able to look back on these life changing moments and not be able to think of you as well. Your encouragement and belief in me, seeing what I could not, and helping me realize that even though someone thought I wasn't worth the energy and the time, someone else will.
I suppose I could look back and think that maybe I'm still not, after all, you 'left' too.
But I don't.
That's how I know.
That's how I know that I'm different. Stronger than before. Because of your tireless efforts in building me back up, I walk differently (haha, but still the same), I carry myself differently. You helped me believe in me, as well as helped me to heal my heart. And so I thank you forever.
Don't forget, I think you're amazing :) I wish you love and happiness always, and will never forget you. I really hope that one day our paths will cross again, and I will look forward to catching up over a cup of cider :)
Hugs to you cutie boy...
That's not to say that I don't miss you a lot. I'm already missing the little moments, and I know that when the big events of my life that are coming up finally arrive, I will miss not being able to share my happiness with you.
Although I may never fully know what or who I was to you, this is what you meant to me:
I still count you as one on my closest friends, and I will never be able to look back on these life changing moments and not be able to think of you as well. Your encouragement and belief in me, seeing what I could not, and helping me realize that even though someone thought I wasn't worth the energy and the time, someone else will.
I suppose I could look back and think that maybe I'm still not, after all, you 'left' too.
But I don't.
That's how I know.
That's how I know that I'm different. Stronger than before. Because of your tireless efforts in building me back up, I walk differently (haha, but still the same), I carry myself differently. You helped me believe in me, as well as helped me to heal my heart. And so I thank you forever.
Don't forget, I think you're amazing :) I wish you love and happiness always, and will never forget you. I really hope that one day our paths will cross again, and I will look forward to catching up over a cup of cider :)
Hugs to you cutie boy...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
To Paula
Kids are not stupid. Especially not my kids. And I'm not just saying that because I'm their Mom. You know, the woman who is IRREPLACABLE in their lives.
I have so many questions for you, none of which I want an answer to be cause really, you disgust me to NO END. But I do wonder what you tell yourself as you are sculking in to a married man's life. A man with kids. And then I wonder just how long you think you can pretend to care about those kids now when you obviously didn't when you had a major part in breaking up THEIR family. I'm sure that you can put on a pretty good act, diguising your inner ugliness with puppies and board games, but a girl like you? It's not going to last long before they see right through you.
And just in case you misunderstand me, I really don't care that you are with him. In fact I'm glad. Makes him "happier" along with the rest of the world because scum should always be with scum. Saves the nice decent human beings from both your toxicity. Really, you guys are made for each other. Plus it will be fun to watch and see who cheats on who first, along with how many times you are together/not together. And just as a side note, did you REALLY think that you were the first person he cheated with? Or the second? Or the third?? Yeah - have fun with that...
I guess in the end I should thank you though. Thank you for tempting my spineless husband. I have NEVER been happier.
I have so many questions for you, none of which I want an answer to be cause really, you disgust me to NO END. But I do wonder what you tell yourself as you are sculking in to a married man's life. A man with kids. And then I wonder just how long you think you can pretend to care about those kids now when you obviously didn't when you had a major part in breaking up THEIR family. I'm sure that you can put on a pretty good act, diguising your inner ugliness with puppies and board games, but a girl like you? It's not going to last long before they see right through you.
And just in case you misunderstand me, I really don't care that you are with him. In fact I'm glad. Makes him "happier" along with the rest of the world because scum should always be with scum. Saves the nice decent human beings from both your toxicity. Really, you guys are made for each other. Plus it will be fun to watch and see who cheats on who first, along with how many times you are together/not together. And just as a side note, did you REALLY think that you were the first person he cheated with? Or the second? Or the third?? Yeah - have fun with that...
I guess in the end I should thank you though. Thank you for tempting my spineless husband. I have NEVER been happier.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Yes Honey, You Are an Idiot. Pretty Sure We Knew That Already Though. Glad To Know You See It Too.
Funny thing happened this week.
The Ex txted me a vengeful txt that didn't quite make sense. When I questioned him about it, he replied that 'It means I'm an idiot. Nevermind.'
And thats when it all becomes blissfully clear - that txt wasn't meant for me... a girlfriend perhaps? Perhaps the very same girlfriend that he left me for, the one who knew who I was, who met me, and was completely comfortable breaking up our family with the help of my idiot (his words) husband? the one he took to Palm Springs and then refused to admit on public record that adultery was the reason for this divorce? the girl friend that broke up with him at least once already 5 weeks after said trip? the girlfriend that at sometime he began seeing again and had my kids - MY KIDS - meet and hang out with??
Oh yeah, the same one.
Pity things aren't going as planned for them.
And the best part? Is that I think its completely hilarious. And not in a 'I'm all bitter and I'm glad your life sucks right now' kind of way, but in a 'wish I could have seen your face when you realized you sent that to the wrong girl, this stuff only happens on tv' kind of way.
Which tells me my heart is healing, faster than I thought it would. And that's thanks to my best friends E, J, M, and C. What would I do without you guys?? Really??
The Ex txted me a vengeful txt that didn't quite make sense. When I questioned him about it, he replied that 'It means I'm an idiot. Nevermind.'
And thats when it all becomes blissfully clear - that txt wasn't meant for me... a girlfriend perhaps? Perhaps the very same girlfriend that he left me for, the one who knew who I was, who met me, and was completely comfortable breaking up our family with the help of my idiot (his words) husband? the one he took to Palm Springs and then refused to admit on public record that adultery was the reason for this divorce? the girl friend that broke up with him at least once already 5 weeks after said trip? the girlfriend that at sometime he began seeing again and had my kids - MY KIDS - meet and hang out with??
Oh yeah, the same one.
Pity things aren't going as planned for them.
And the best part? Is that I think its completely hilarious. And not in a 'I'm all bitter and I'm glad your life sucks right now' kind of way, but in a 'wish I could have seen your face when you realized you sent that to the wrong girl, this stuff only happens on tv' kind of way.
Which tells me my heart is healing, faster than I thought it would. And that's thanks to my best friends E, J, M, and C. What would I do without you guys?? Really??
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Again
Arrggh!
It's back!
It's freaking back again!
What the hell??
The raw hurt, the inablitily to get a full breath, the weight on my shoulders, on the verge of tears, the memories of the begining when it all really started to unravel.
I'm exhausted, drained, and losing my energy to fight anymore.
Not fight him, but fight holding it all together.
When is it going to end, because really?
I'm almost done.
It's back!
It's freaking back again!
What the hell??
The raw hurt, the inablitily to get a full breath, the weight on my shoulders, on the verge of tears, the memories of the begining when it all really started to unravel.
I'm exhausted, drained, and losing my energy to fight anymore.
Not fight him, but fight holding it all together.
When is it going to end, because really?
I'm almost done.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Pulled
I'm feeling like I am constantly being torn.
I want to be good, to choose the right, to live and be an example of a faith-filled woman, one who people marvel at and ask 'how is she able to handle all that is set before her with such grace, such dignity?'.
But seriously? Part of me wants to punch somebody in the face, curse like a sailor, and go for the jugular showing no mercy in an attempt to hurt as bad as I have been hurt.
It's an everyday battle and I'm hardly perfect. Occasionally the witch in me rears her ugly head. It's a fact.
And you know, I'm kinda done apologizing for it.
Consider yourself warned :)
I want to be good, to choose the right, to live and be an example of a faith-filled woman, one who people marvel at and ask 'how is she able to handle all that is set before her with such grace, such dignity?'.
But seriously? Part of me wants to punch somebody in the face, curse like a sailor, and go for the jugular showing no mercy in an attempt to hurt as bad as I have been hurt.
It's an everyday battle and I'm hardly perfect. Occasionally the witch in me rears her ugly head. It's a fact.
And you know, I'm kinda done apologizing for it.
Consider yourself warned :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Lunches
I went for out twice for lunch this week, once with an old friend from high school that I lived with for a few months before I got married, and once with the wife of one of my Ex's friends - the only one that still talks to me.
Anyways, I have to say that both were quite enlightening and very enjoyable.
At the first one, my friend related her own personal experiences with her parents divorcing when she was 5. She eloquently shared her memories and emotions with such grace that I was washed over with gratitude that I know this fabulous lady. I felt comfort and hope for the future because she did turn out so amazing and normal. Bless you C, I love you.
The second lunch was just as fun, catching up on kids and work and life. One of the things that was confirmed to me by her was that I didn't screw my Ex up - he was that way before I even met him. "His stupidity is the trigger to your happiness" she said. Thanks B! I can't even express my relief and the peace of mind that conversation brought to me. Not only that, she also shared with me advice on how to juggle it all as a working mom. I came away from that meeting enlightened and inspired.
Lesson learned: never underestimate the influence you can have in another person's life, even if all you share with them time wise is your lunch hour.
Anyways, I have to say that both were quite enlightening and very enjoyable.
At the first one, my friend related her own personal experiences with her parents divorcing when she was 5. She eloquently shared her memories and emotions with such grace that I was washed over with gratitude that I know this fabulous lady. I felt comfort and hope for the future because she did turn out so amazing and normal. Bless you C, I love you.
The second lunch was just as fun, catching up on kids and work and life. One of the things that was confirmed to me by her was that I didn't screw my Ex up - he was that way before I even met him. "His stupidity is the trigger to your happiness" she said. Thanks B! I can't even express my relief and the peace of mind that conversation brought to me. Not only that, she also shared with me advice on how to juggle it all as a working mom. I came away from that meeting enlightened and inspired.
Lesson learned: never underestimate the influence you can have in another person's life, even if all you share with them time wise is your lunch hour.
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