It's a Dirty Job...

When the (f)it hits the (sh)an as many times as it has in my life, it's going to take a while to get my poop in a group :)

I Just Needed a Few Days

So, I'm fine, really.

I have moments where I'm less than fine and I guess because I've never really been one for drama, I don't know what to DO with all of this.... emotion.

I've always buried it and dealt with it alone. Now there's too much to contain and I sometimes feel like a cook with too many pots boiling over. Yeah - whatever - I know I made a cooking analogy and I don't cook but whatever - you get my point.

Point is that I'm fine, almost all of the time. Point is that I have learned from my pain - that it comes and goes and that I will survive, only to go through a different pain down the road.

Most of all though, really, I'm doing ok. And I'm still smiling - on the inside and the outside.

The Reasons

I can see the walls going up again.

They are familiar to me.

I've been here before, and it's not my favorite place.

But how much can one girl take?

I'm pulling back from my life, I know I shouldn't. I know I should be worried. But right now I feel like my batteries are tapped out. That it's time for survival mode for a while. The energy I have left will be poured into getting up out of bed. Getting dressed. Putting on the plastic face for my children that all will be just fine. Moving around the house. And going to bed.

There is nothing extra in me right now for chatting. For social engagements. For blogging. For anything other than what I listed above. I am walking a very fine line right now and I know it and feel it.

I hate depression. I don't want to be. But I know my body. After many months of this stress, it whacks out the delicate levels of hormones in my brain. My adrenal glands have been firing like crazy resulting in anxiety attacks for months. My thyroid is messed up too. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I haven't yet crossed the line, but I can see it. Clearer than I want to.

So I am shutting down. If I don't power back up by next week, then we have a problem. See you on the flip side.