One Grain

(I know, I copied this post to both blogs, but I felt it was important to do so)
I went to therapy again today, and one of the things she helped me realize is that I wouldn't have left sooner because I was getting something out of that relationship that I wanted too.  Not saying for one second that I wanted or deserved the mental and emotional abuse (we chatted a little more about my history and she pointed out more instances that easily qualify under both of those headings - I'm not just repeating it for the drama.  I actually feel pretty uncomfortable about saying it still - that I fell for all of that - but that's where I'm coming to my point...)... I stayed as long as I wanted to.  She pointed out that if you look at a scale, and there's a mountain of crap on one side, and a mountain and a grain of good on the other, then you'll stay.  I realized what it was that I traded my emotional peace of mind in my marriage for was the opportunity to stay home with my children while they were small.  That's what I chose.  If I left earlier, I would have missed out on that.  I knew that the children were in minimal danger if I stayed, and that the risk of sending them to daycare to be raised by someone else and have them miss out on the foundation of stability and love that can only be provided by their mother was a risk I was not going to take.  It made it all worth it.  Sure, it was a hefty trade, and one I wasn't even consciously aware of until about a couple of years before the end.  Looking back I'm not even sure about the quality of my parenting considering it was a lot of survival mode, but I was there, and I loved them the best I could at the time.  I hope that counts in the long run for something.  And not for a second would I go back, knowing what I know now, and change it.  I'm a Mom first and forever, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for my children.  Staying after they were in school full time, and putting up with abuse that was obviously not going to end ever would have killed my spirit.  I left for my children too.  I'm sure they don't see it that way, but I did.  I couldn't continue having them live in a house where I was allowing me to be treated that way.  I definitely didn't want them to grow up thinking that any of that was normal or acceptable.  I also didn't want them growing up in shades of gray.  There is right and wrong, and I needed them to see the difference in the way their father and I choose to live our lives, rather than blending - or in other words me caving to keep the peace and going against what I believe to be best regarding values, morals, and religion.
I know that I'm an even better Mom now than I have ever been.  I hope they see that it's never to late to change, that you have to work hard to get what you want, that faith matters, that truth in word and action and emotion matters, that they matter, and that I matter.  And if they ever end up knowing what all happened between their father and me, that they see that it wasn't that I was too weak to leave - but that I was strong enough to withstand the 'mountain less-a-grain' for the opportunity to be with them.

Scrap That Happily Ever After... Time For a New Story

Maybe because it's all coming to an end that I've been thinking about the beginning of the end. 
And where is that beginning? 
Is it when in my naivety I missed the tell-tale signs that his character was lacking essential qualities needed for a lifetime of emotional safety right from the get-go?
Is it the first time I caught him in the act of living a double life?
Is it the first time that he admitted to me days later that the problem went far deeper than originally discovered?
The second time I caught him?
The third?
Or any one of the times that others confronted me with additional information?
And when I finally had the courage to say 'enough' when it happened yet again - was that when I left him?  Or had he left me a million years before?

Who left who?

Was it that he left me all those years ago, but it took me a dozen years to let him go?  To tell him 'no more'?  To find my voice and stand up for me? 
I'm trying to find the beginning so I can figure out the why, the how, and how never to be that girl again.  The girl who repeatedly sent the messages that 'it's ok to abuse me, I'll take it over and over again - just don't leave me alone', ' I'll hide all your secrets, I'll be loyal, then will I be worthy of your love and attention??', 'look at all the things I do wrong, at all the things I'm not, how in the world do I fix them all so you will be happy and love me, pick me to talk to, touch, and spend time with??'.
I'm hoping that with all the time that's gone by, the things I have learned and experienced, I'm a changed woman already.  I'm learning to be a woman that chooses my life rather than letting life always just happen to me while being quiet, patient, and polite.
I know what I want - I'm still working on believing I deserve it and then being brave enough not to settle for anything less, and creating a life for me that I love - with or without a man to share it with.  That's going to be hard because men are my weakness, along with the desire to be wanted, cherished, and loved.  Assuming of course that such a man who can and wants to fulfill those needs for me even exists.  I hope he does...??

Three Wishes

1 - that I was wealthy enough to be able to travel and see things that my kiddies and I have always wanted to see
2 - that their father would wake up tomorrow and feel that moving alone to Mexico forever is the best idea of his life and follow through with it.
3 - that my kids realize sooner than later what a lame sauce person their father is so they quit getting their hopes up and having him crush them over and over like he tends to do because the only person he thinks of is himself.

Favorite quote of the week - "This is our last conversation. We are not friends.  Goodbye Trevor."

It's almost done...