This, my ranting place, has been quiet for a while.
And for this I am grateful, because it means I'm at peace.
Much love... A
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Bit By Bit
There are still going to be battles, the kind of the previous post and others.
But I'm winning the war.
I know I am.
I'm not going to call retreat, but I am giving up on the battles that just don't matter anymore. And the crazy amazing part is that giving up makes me stronger, not weaker, more at peace, and less enraged.
I'm moving on you know :) more details at my other blog, you know, just in case you like my ramblings :)
But I'm winning the war.
I know I am.
I'm not going to call retreat, but I am giving up on the battles that just don't matter anymore. And the crazy amazing part is that giving up makes me stronger, not weaker, more at peace, and less enraged.
I'm moving on you know :) more details at my other blog, you know, just in case you like my ramblings :)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Out of Reach Dreams
I think I might be going crazy.
No.... really.
I feel like there's always this battle going on inside of me, a battle between 'wants' and 'shoulds'.
I want to have a man look at me twice, but I shouldn't do anything to draw attention to myself.
I want to pursue and be pursued now, but I shouldn't because good girls wait until the time is right.
I want to give in to human desires, but I shouldn't because... well, the because is a little blurry right now on that one but I just know that it's a HUGE shouldn't.
I want a good, amazing, good-looking guy, but I shouldn't get my hopes up because even a pretty crappy guy didn't want to keep me.
I keep waiting... waiting and waiting and waiting, and most days I'm pretty patient about it. Sometimes I wonder what the point of waiting at all is. Sometimes I don't want to keep putting on the brave face, and be the one who keeps being the good girl because don't you know - good things come to those who wait.
No.
No I don't know, actually.
I feel like the things I want, the things I dream about and hope for are not going to happen and that the lessons I'm to learn are that life doesn't turn out the way you want it to, even though for others it does. I feel like I'm one of those people who have to learn to be happy without, all the while watching others less deserving, less good at following the rules, get to be carefree and at peace and bottome-of-your-soul happy.
In all the back and forth between want/should, happy/sad, tired/alive, going forward/slipping back, I'm getting all jumbled and comfused as to what I really want, and what is actually attainable. Are my expectations and dreams to far too out there ever be reached? Have I been watching too many chick flicks and Disney movies to have a firm grasp on reality? Do I even know what I want?
Yes.
I know what I want.
But does it exist?
I have no idea.
No.... really.
I feel like there's always this battle going on inside of me, a battle between 'wants' and 'shoulds'.
I want to have a man look at me twice, but I shouldn't do anything to draw attention to myself.
I want to pursue and be pursued now, but I shouldn't because good girls wait until the time is right.
I want to give in to human desires, but I shouldn't because... well, the because is a little blurry right now on that one but I just know that it's a HUGE shouldn't.
I want a good, amazing, good-looking guy, but I shouldn't get my hopes up because even a pretty crappy guy didn't want to keep me.
I keep waiting... waiting and waiting and waiting, and most days I'm pretty patient about it. Sometimes I wonder what the point of waiting at all is. Sometimes I don't want to keep putting on the brave face, and be the one who keeps being the good girl because don't you know - good things come to those who wait.
No.
No I don't know, actually.
I feel like the things I want, the things I dream about and hope for are not going to happen and that the lessons I'm to learn are that life doesn't turn out the way you want it to, even though for others it does. I feel like I'm one of those people who have to learn to be happy without, all the while watching others less deserving, less good at following the rules, get to be carefree and at peace and bottome-of-your-soul happy.
In all the back and forth between want/should, happy/sad, tired/alive, going forward/slipping back, I'm getting all jumbled and comfused as to what I really want, and what is actually attainable. Are my expectations and dreams to far too out there ever be reached? Have I been watching too many chick flicks and Disney movies to have a firm grasp on reality? Do I even know what I want?
Yes.
I know what I want.
But does it exist?
I have no idea.
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