I think I might be going crazy.
No.... really.
I feel like there's always this battle going on inside of me, a battle between 'wants' and 'shoulds'.
I want to have a man look at me twice, but I shouldn't do anything to draw attention to myself.
I want to pursue and be pursued now, but I shouldn't because good girls wait until the time is right.
I want to give in to human desires, but I shouldn't because... well, the because is a little blurry right now on that one but I just know that it's a HUGE shouldn't.
I want a good, amazing, good-looking guy, but I shouldn't get my hopes up because even a pretty crappy guy didn't want to keep me.
I keep waiting... waiting and waiting and waiting, and most days I'm pretty patient about it. Sometimes I wonder what the point of waiting at all is. Sometimes I don't want to keep putting on the brave face, and be the one who keeps being the good girl because don't you know - good things come to those who wait.
No.
No I don't know, actually.
I feel like the things I want, the things I dream about and hope for are not going to happen and that the lessons I'm to learn are that life doesn't turn out the way you want it to, even though for others it does. I feel like I'm one of those people who have to learn to be happy without, all the while watching others less deserving, less good at following the rules, get to be carefree and at peace and bottome-of-your-soul happy.
In all the back and forth between want/should, happy/sad, tired/alive, going forward/slipping back, I'm getting all jumbled and comfused as to what I really want, and what is actually attainable. Are my expectations and dreams to far too out there ever be reached? Have I been watching too many chick flicks and Disney movies to have a firm grasp on reality? Do I even know what I want?
Yes.
I know what I want.
But does it exist?
I have no idea.
2 comments:
perfect poignant sentence: "I shouldn't get my hopes up because even a pretty crappy guy didn't want to keep me." WOW.
It's really hard to hold true to what you REALLY want, what you believe. This is your refining fire. This is where you figure out what and WHO you are-- deep down. Take it from me, if you start following the 'other you'... the one you aren't sure about.. you will wind up unhappy still, and eventually you'll end up back where you belong. Because that's what you're going through. We all go through it.
and remember, that the crappy guy that didn't want to keep you wasn't worth it, and he didn't want you because you were too far above him in everything that it was exhausting for him to live up to...so he gave up. And you're better than that, right? He gave up...you don't have to. That's the point of this life. Realizing that there is something better out there, and although we fall short ALL the time, we keep reaching instead of just being defeated. And also remember, that we can't do it alone. And that shouldn't make things seem futile...it makes us feel humble. and grateful, that there's someone out there that wants to help us...and will. love you.
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