Not So Merry

I love Christmas.
At least I know I used to.  And I'm really trying to this year as well.
But for some reason I'm 75% happy and 25% not, and that 25% is starting to irk me.
It's hard around the holidays.  It's like another little reminder that there used to be someone and now there isn't.  I know my kids feel it too.  They wish we were all together.  I don't, but mostly because I know that I'm not wanted where ever he is.  And that feels kinda crappy sometimes, not gonna lie.  That he would rather be alone on Christmas Eve, calling his kids twice because I know he misses them, that he would rather do that than be with me 365 days a year.
I've had a little break through though.  I was chatting last night while I wrapped gifts with my best friend and more than once I said things out loud that have been clattering around in my brain that I thought were simple truths about myself.  She was quick to be vocal about how the way I see me is not the way that others see me.  So as I laid in bed I thought again as I often do about what is my 'self talk' - the things I say to myself so often that I believe them and I caught one.  Caught one because it has been so subtle and quiet, but repetitive enough for me to not even realize I've been saying it at all.  In fact, it's been around for so many years that it has definitely become a part of how I view myself, and I didn't even realize it.  I know when it started and who put it there, but that doesn't matter nearly so much as how do I change it?
You can't change what you don't own so here it is:
People don't actually like you, they're just pretending to your face.
And: You think you're special but you're not. 
Seriously - how in the world did I not recognize these going on in my head everyday??  They were so much a part of me that I didn't even see how damaging they were, and probably will continue to be as I try to change.
This is why I didn't try for the man I thought was out of my league and settled for a guy that paid attention to me.
This is why I down play every compliment ever given to me.
This is why I don't have many long-time friends, because I believe that they grow to get to know me, don't like what they see or realize that I'm totally average and boring and leave.
This is why I stayed in an abusive relationship for 10 years.
This is why I have a hard time believing that people who are not related to me (because if you're related you have to love each other, even if you make each other crazy) actually like me and care about me - I seriously believe that they are faking just to be nice, or put on a show, or are using me for something.  Seriously.
I've always said and meant it when I say I like me, I just don't think other people do.
Could I think of myself as special?
Could I trust someone else to like me as a person?  And almost the entire person, if not all??
Completely foreign to me.... but something I obviously need to think and study on so I don't repeat mistakes of my past OR pass them on, heaven forbid!
It's been an eye-opening thought process, and I'm feeling very vulnerable and a little emotional.  I'm not sure where to go from here, but since I newly discovered I'm smart and a survivor, I'm sure I'll figure it out in time.  Life's a journey.

My Secrets

Some, not all of course....

I wish I had someone more like me at school to hang out with.  I realize everyday how much older I am than the girls I study with.

If he called and really wanted me back, I'd actually consider it.

I look for cute guys on the train in the morning.  Once in a while if I don't see any, I'll get off that car and try the next one.

My first thought when I see a man texting is that he's talking to his mistress.

Share your secrets anonymously if you like... more from me another day....