Thank you for reaffirming to me on at least a weekly basis that leaving you was THE best decision of my life. Trust me that I will be buying our son a car so that he can drive himself and his sister back and forth between our homes so that I have to see you even less than I already do. It's a 4 year count down and will be worth every penny :)
ps - you can add our Real Estate Lawyer to the rapidly growing list of people who have actually called you a fool behind your back, just so you know. I'm sure you don't care, but it makes my day :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Preparing for the Storm
Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
The further away I get from the toxic mess that was my marriage and the tragic person I used to be, the better I see how truly messed up the whole situation was.
I've had recent exposure to more of his emotional abuse lately, and having been away from it for a while it comes as a startling surprise that abuse is exactly what I was exposed to, and unfortunatly it's not all past tense.
I know I'm not the same person I used to be, but am I strong enough now to deal with more devestating blows from him? You see, it all unravelled for me two years ago and I've been working damn hard to rebuild since then. His hardest times only just coming around the bend as real life consequences start kicking in. He can see them clearer now than he ever has and he's looking for someone to blame... and I'm his go-to girl.
I know for a fact that he will lash out in my direction again more than once and in all his classic ways, and I'm afraid. I have that same knot in my stomach of ugly anticipation, feel the blood draining from my face, my hands start shaking, my heart pounding, and am fighting with all that I have not to run or buckle.
I need help. I'm stronger now than I have ever been, but I need support and tools, because I feel fragile when I'm dealing with him. I'm going to finally see a therapist next week, because this is my time to stand up for me. I just need help in finding my voice.
The further away I get from the toxic mess that was my marriage and the tragic person I used to be, the better I see how truly messed up the whole situation was.
I've had recent exposure to more of his emotional abuse lately, and having been away from it for a while it comes as a startling surprise that abuse is exactly what I was exposed to, and unfortunatly it's not all past tense.
I know I'm not the same person I used to be, but am I strong enough now to deal with more devestating blows from him? You see, it all unravelled for me two years ago and I've been working damn hard to rebuild since then. His hardest times only just coming around the bend as real life consequences start kicking in. He can see them clearer now than he ever has and he's looking for someone to blame... and I'm his go-to girl.
I know for a fact that he will lash out in my direction again more than once and in all his classic ways, and I'm afraid. I have that same knot in my stomach of ugly anticipation, feel the blood draining from my face, my hands start shaking, my heart pounding, and am fighting with all that I have not to run or buckle.
I need help. I'm stronger now than I have ever been, but I need support and tools, because I feel fragile when I'm dealing with him. I'm going to finally see a therapist next week, because this is my time to stand up for me. I just need help in finding my voice.
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