Maybe because it's all coming to an end that I've been thinking about the beginning of the end.
And where is that beginning?
Is it when in my naivety I missed the tell-tale signs that his character was lacking essential qualities needed for a lifetime of emotional safety right from the get-go?
Is it the first time I caught him in the act of living a double life?
Is it the first time that he admitted to me days later that the problem went far deeper than originally discovered?
The second time I caught him?
The third?
Or any one of the times that others confronted me with additional information?
And when I finally had the courage to say 'enough' when it happened yet again - was that when I left him? Or had he left me a million years before?
Who left who?
Was it that he left me all those years ago, but it took me a dozen years to let him go? To tell him 'no more'? To find my voice and stand up for me?
I'm trying to find the beginning so I can figure out the why, the how, and how never to be that girl again. The girl who repeatedly sent the messages that 'it's ok to abuse me, I'll take it over and over again - just don't leave me alone', ' I'll hide all your secrets, I'll be loyal, then will I be worthy of your love and attention??', 'look at all the things I do wrong, at all the things I'm not, how in the world do I fix them all so you will be happy and love me, pick me to talk to, touch, and spend time with??'.
I'm hoping that with all the time that's gone by, the things I have learned and experienced, I'm a changed woman already. I'm learning to be a woman that chooses my life rather than letting life always just happen to me while being quiet, patient, and polite.
I know what I want - I'm still working on believing I deserve it and then being brave enough not to settle for anything less, and creating a life for me that I love - with or without a man to share it with. That's going to be hard because men are my weakness, along with the desire to be wanted, cherished, and loved. Assuming of course that such a man who can and wants to fulfill those needs for me even exists. I hope he does...??
2 comments:
I am so proud of you - you are doing so well. And you're gorgeous- that was the first thing my mom said when I told her you were there on Friday. I agree - you are gorgeous AND you are strong! Jessica
I don't think I like this post. You forget that you stayed until you felt it was the right time to leave. I know there is a lot of emotional crap in this relationship, but remember that when you're following the Lord's path then you are always in charge and in the right. Who knows what difference it would have made if you had left sooner or later. Good or bad. Point is, you left at the right time. And there will he someone like that for you someday. I feel it. Because you are too awesome! She's too awesome! And attractive!
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