Okay - here it is. I don't have the mental capacity to try and come up with a 'plot' for this. I'm just letting it all out - right here.
I am in so much pain.
I hurt all the time.
I have hurt many times over the years and this pain is not new. It is old, and I know it well. I know it is going to last a long time.
It has changed who I am and I resent it for that.
I can not be who I want to be, who I should be because it is ever-present.
When it gets really bad, I get a little frantic inside and wonder what I can find to try and numb it - take the edge off.
Booze? Drugs? God? A fling?
In the end I do nothing because maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be.
I know that I am exhausting my friends.
But if I don't get this out it will eat me up and I will implode.
I'm also really, really pissed off.
He's out living the life he has always wanted and I am here trying to figure out what the heck to do next and how to pull whatever 'it' is off.
I feel cornered with limited options.
I just can not go to school full time for four years and still be a good mom.
I probably can't choose anything with shift work because he does shift work, and of course, that is what I want to do - work at the hospital.
I need to make good money because I have NO desire to be dependant on him for anything ever again.
There are times when I hate him. I usually try to nip those feelings off in the bud because hate is like a cancer and it does nothing to hurt him. Just me. But I still do sometimes.
I feel worthless.
Rejected.
Invisible.
Weak.
Dumb.
Pathetic.
And afraid that I not only feel these things, but that I am these things.
3 comments:
And you have EVERY right to be feeling all of those feelings. If there is anything I can EVER do please don't hesitate to let me know.
K.
I totally resonate with what this post says. I do. I have been in that moment.
It gets better.
The thing is, you CAN be who you want to be, and once you start just being that (in spite of your fears), you'll find joy you've never felt before.
Booze doesn't help. Tried that. Drugs...seriously, not gonna be a good idea. A fling is a good distraction, but that goes away again.
God.
Yes. SOMEHOW you'll find that the true you, underneath it all, knows that's where you want to be.
Point being, I understand, though. Too well.
Chris and I used my brother-in-law for legal services because we weren't contending the divorce or anything. We didn't need separate lawyers. We went to mediation through the government system (if you qualify, you can get that for free) where they make a 'plan'. Because it was my brother-in-law, I'm not sure of the total costs and stuff that would normally be incrued. He's doing this for really cheap for us.
But I'll answer ANY questions you have. We are so alike-- I want to be a nurse in the hospital too, so I do understand the school issue. Follow your faith and know that no matter what, it will work out according to the 'right' plan. Hard to do, but once you start, you'll see and find the peace you lack.
The pain may not be new but that doesn't mean it should hurt any less because it's familiar. The whole situation is crap. But you WILL get through it. Just remember-every little string that continues to be cut will release you from him and make him realize what his situation is REALLY going to be like.
I know that one day you will be able to shut the door on these dark times.
I love you SO much. YOU DESERVE THE WORLD.
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