Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
The further away I get from the toxic mess that was my marriage and the tragic person I used to be, the better I see how truly messed up the whole situation was.
I've had recent exposure to more of his emotional abuse lately, and having been away from it for a while it comes as a startling surprise that abuse is exactly what I was exposed to, and unfortunatly it's not all past tense.
I know I'm not the same person I used to be, but am I strong enough now to deal with more devestating blows from him? You see, it all unravelled for me two years ago and I've been working damn hard to rebuild since then. His hardest times only just coming around the bend as real life consequences start kicking in. He can see them clearer now than he ever has and he's looking for someone to blame... and I'm his go-to girl.
I know for a fact that he will lash out in my direction again more than once and in all his classic ways, and I'm afraid. I have that same knot in my stomach of ugly anticipation, feel the blood draining from my face, my hands start shaking, my heart pounding, and am fighting with all that I have not to run or buckle.
I need help. I'm stronger now than I have ever been, but I need support and tools, because I feel fragile when I'm dealing with him. I'm going to finally see a therapist next week, because this is my time to stand up for me. I just need help in finding my voice.
2 comments:
Hey Sweetie. I don't have much for advice for you, because I have certainly never been where you are, so I can't really fathom what it is like. I do have something to say, and it truly comes from my heart, and is not meant to be just the 'usual' or 'typical' answer. Ok, here goes:
I was reading in the New Testament on Sunday and read Matt 5 where the Savior begins the Sermon on the Mount. He's talking to his disciples, so those who already have an understanding of the gospel (like us). He talks about 'blessed are the peacemakers for they are the children if God' (those who will inherit), and later it talks about loving thine enemies. Pray for them which dispitefully use you...if someone sues you for your coat, give him your cloak also...do good for them that hate you...and it concludes with: vs. 48 - 'be ye therefore perfect, even as your father which is in heaven is perfect.'
I thought of you. I know mom said you were going to 'kill him with kindness' so to speak and I truly think that's all you can do. And with kindness that has absolutely no expectations of ever getting anything in return...ever. It may NEVER change him. But it will change you, and that's really the point, right? In verse 25 it says to agree with thine adversary quickly...lest ye be cast into prison. Contention is a prison. You cannot feel free (free from Trevor's grasp on you, your emotions, free from fear) if there is contention, and you cannot trust that he will be the one to leave contention out of your relationship, so it has to come from you. If you can only love your friends then, you are not much better than him (now I'm now paraphrasing), but if you can love your enemies, then your reward will come from your father in heaven. Although it may feel like he is winning and you are losing your voice if you just agree with him always, and 'turn the other cheek' it's the only way. And somehow, I don't know how it works except that the scriptures say so, you will feel free of him. It'll be easier for him to have no affect on you if he is no longer your enemy...that's the only logic I see in it...and the rest is just grace.
With that, all I can say is good luck, because I can't even imagine. Love you.
Christlike......with boundries. ;)
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