Let me explain something else.
These are a sampling of things people have been saying to me lately:
You look great!
You are amazing!
You are so brave!
Sounds like you have it all under control.
You're beautiful.
You can do this.
He's a freaking loser for letting you go.
You won't be single for long.
While I am really and truly grateful when such nice things are said to me, or about me, there is something that I need to confess.
I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT!!!!!
Because if I did... if I let myself believe the things that people are telling me... then that would make me feel like I'm special.
I don't want to be special, or stand out in a crowd.
I WANT to be average.
Because there is safety in being average.
No one expects amazing things from average people.
No one says, 'it's too bad that she's single - she's so average'.
You can hide away in 'averageness' with less chance of flaws and insecurities being gawked at and analyzed by the masses.
And for some unexplainable reason, it makes all the past hurts hurt less. Maybe because when someone treats you like you're worth less and you believe them and then repeat in your head all of the things that you are not, all the ways you will never measure up, and then someone else tells you something different, something new, you feel cheated. Smaller. And VERY confused because someone is lying to you.
And from then on, whenever you do something great, you think the first person was full of crap. But because you have also repeated their crap over and over in your own head for so long, it opens a whole new (and sometimes intimidating) way of looking at yourself.
And then of course when you do anything dumb or stupid, then you feel like the second group of people are blind and misguided because if they knew you in these moments then they would surely see what you have seen and believed all along.
What if I can't live up to all of these new compliments?
What if I'm just a messed up head case of a girl that everyone, especially men, should stay the heck away from?
Pretty sure I could pull off average.
Amazing scares me. But probably because deep down, that's what I want to be.
2 comments:
GREAT POST.
You could TRY to be average but I won't believe a second of the facade. Give it time. You'll pull through. I've heard it takes 10 positive comments to undo the damage of a negative one. It's going to take a while to undo the things that have been done and said to you but it WILL go away eventually. Until then, believe the people you trust. (like me ;>) We know you ROCK and not just because you have great shoes.
I never thought of it that way before but I do think its SO TRUE!
But... I also ditto everything that Erica has said.
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