Haha :) I find that whatever feelings I have been trying to hide/bury/mask all come out at night. I somehow don't feel I'm alone in this.
Last week, and for most of this one - minus a brief wonderful weekend where I could escape my world and be reminded of who I am/was with my mom and YYBFF (younger years best friend forever) - I have been feeling anxious and always have my heart aching. I've been able to still go about all the things I usually do, for the most part , and have been able to put on the happy face but I am grieving.
Why do I even care about this man that has hurt me time and time again? Why do I care that he is with someone new who has integrity equal to his own?
Because we had a life together, a life he did not value as I did. I gave him my heart and he did not treat it with care - he stomped on it. I picked it back up, put it back together, dusted it off, and cautiously held it out to him again. And he stomped on it again. And again. And again. And again.
Why did I keep trying, you may ask? Vows. 70x7. Kids. Hope is hard to kill.
In fact, I still have hope. Not in that he will one day get what's coming to him, not in that he will realize that I am someone special someday, not in that he will one day call me up and tell me his regrets, but that my heart can be healed through the Atonement. That what my friends tell me just might be true - that there are men out there that will value my morals, integrity, righteousness (not perfection - there's a difference!), honesty, and a not too shabby exterior ;) And even if no one comes my way, I still have the inner peace that comes from not being ashamed. I also know that peace will show outwardly in my eyes, my walk, my actions, my countenance. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to step carefully through the dark to get to it :)
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