Mormon Lent?? I'm In :)

My cousin posted on her blog http://thewoodchips.blogspot.com/ that she wants to give some stuff up that's hard for her for the entire month of November. Got me thinking, what could I give up for a month? I mean, as a Mormon, there's already A LOT of things that I already don't do that quite frankly the rest of the world thinks we're kinda crazy for, like coffee, booze, sleeping around, smoking, etc, etc, etc. Now add to that all of the things that I've already given up this year, my house, any physical contact with the opposite sex that's more than a hug, most of my old life's securities, relationships with friends and his family, just to name a few. You can start to see my reluctance in giving up anything else. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm also the type of person that's always looking for more ways to better myself, to improve while also being entirely realistic in setting a goal I could actually achieve. So while I'm not giving up facebook, txting, junk food, shopping for shoes, swearing, TV, or my iPod, I can give up on my late nights. I get to bed ridiculously late, probably because I have a lot floating around in this head of mine and rather than lay in bed and stress, I go out and drive, or I blog, or I watch TV online, or facebook, or whatever I can to distract myself until I'm exhausted and know that I will fall asleep almost immediately. Downside? I'm looking in the mirror and not liking what I'm seeing. I look haggard, my skin is breaking out and looks flat rather than bright, those little lines under my eyes are only getting deeper, not to mention that I'm just plain tired. And of course coping skills are not at their peak when all I can think about is when can I squeeze a nap into my day.

So I'm on the wagon. My goal is to be in bed, lights out, on my way to dreamland every night for the month of November BY MIDNIGHT. I'll be back to let you know how I'm doing, because of course you care ;)

These Are My Inner Thoughts Alright...

Yeah, I'm a strong woman.
I'm starting to see it sometimes. Not just see, but believe it right to my core.
Sometimes.
And it's in those moments that I know I can do this, this life by myself with my two precious little people in tow.
And then there are the moments where the fear of failing, of trusting again, of rejection are all encompassing and leave me frantic to hang on to someone. But I don't. Partly because there's no one, and partly because I'm afraid to need like that.
What I long for, and once in a while ache for, is someone at the end of the day who I don't have to be strong for, someone who will wrap me up and let me know that I'm safe with them, flaws and all. Someone who will take care of me. Someone who won't break my heart.
Until then, I have no choice but to keep on being strong.

Everybody Loves a Head Case

Let me explain something else.
These are a sampling of things people have been saying to me lately:
You look great!
You are amazing!
You are so brave!
Sounds like you have it all under control.
You're beautiful.
You can do this.
He's a freaking loser for letting you go.
You won't be single for long.

While I am really and truly grateful when such nice things are said to me, or about me, there is something that I need to confess.

I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT!!!!!

Because if I did... if I let myself believe the things that people are telling me... then that would make me feel like I'm special.
I don't want to be special, or stand out in a crowd.
I WANT to be average.
Because there is safety in being average.
No one expects amazing things from average people.
No one says, 'it's too bad that she's single - she's so average'.
You can hide away in 'averageness' with less chance of flaws and insecurities being gawked at and analyzed by the masses.
And for some unexplainable reason, it makes all the past hurts hurt less. Maybe because when someone treats you like you're worth less and you believe them and then repeat in your head all of the things that you are not, all the ways you will never measure up, and then someone else tells you something different, something new, you feel cheated. Smaller. And VERY confused because someone is lying to you.
And from then on, whenever you do something great, you think the first person was full of crap. But because you have also repeated their crap over and over in your own head for so long, it opens a whole new (and sometimes intimidating) way of looking at yourself.
And then of course when you do anything dumb or stupid, then you feel like the second group of people are blind and misguided because if they knew you in these moments then they would surely see what you have seen and believed all along.
What if I can't live up to all of these new compliments?
What if I'm just a messed up head case of a girl that everyone, especially men, should stay the heck away from?
Pretty sure I could pull off average.
Amazing scares me. But probably because deep down, that's what I want to be.

Count Your Many Blessings

Word of warning - you are reading this on my venting blog, not my "we have it all together" blog which can only mean one thing - I need to vent.

I am a grateful person most of the time. I can see the good in almost every situation. So these are some of the things that I really am grateful for.

I am grateful that I am not living everyday wondering what my husband is up to.
I am grateful that I feel taller, happier, brighter, and far better looking with out him.
I am grateful that, while I am by no means perfect, I can walk away knowing that I did all I could, that this (divorce, breaking up our family, kids crying themselves to sleep at night, me having anxiety attacks because I now get to provide for myself and 2 children because he has no conscience and is feels completely comfortable screwing me over financially, because screwing me over physically, emotionally, and mentally for the last 11 years wasn't enough) was his call because 1) he refused to stop his lies and 'extracurricular activities' and I was done dealing with them, and 2) he didn't want to try to keep this together due to the lure of a relationship with another woman (which, by the way, didn't last... SHOCKER!!)
I am grateful for the amazing invention of texting so that I almost never have to speak directly to him.
I am grateful to know that - while there may not be someone else in my future - at least there won't be him.

Happy Thanksgiving.