Arrggh!
It's back!
It's freaking back again!
What the hell??
The raw hurt, the inablitily to get a full breath, the weight on my shoulders, on the verge of tears, the memories of the begining when it all really started to unravel.
I'm exhausted, drained, and losing my energy to fight anymore.
Not fight him, but fight holding it all together.
When is it going to end, because really?
I'm almost done.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Pulled
I'm feeling like I am constantly being torn.
I want to be good, to choose the right, to live and be an example of a faith-filled woman, one who people marvel at and ask 'how is she able to handle all that is set before her with such grace, such dignity?'.
But seriously? Part of me wants to punch somebody in the face, curse like a sailor, and go for the jugular showing no mercy in an attempt to hurt as bad as I have been hurt.
It's an everyday battle and I'm hardly perfect. Occasionally the witch in me rears her ugly head. It's a fact.
And you know, I'm kinda done apologizing for it.
Consider yourself warned :)
I want to be good, to choose the right, to live and be an example of a faith-filled woman, one who people marvel at and ask 'how is she able to handle all that is set before her with such grace, such dignity?'.
But seriously? Part of me wants to punch somebody in the face, curse like a sailor, and go for the jugular showing no mercy in an attempt to hurt as bad as I have been hurt.
It's an everyday battle and I'm hardly perfect. Occasionally the witch in me rears her ugly head. It's a fact.
And you know, I'm kinda done apologizing for it.
Consider yourself warned :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Lunches
I went for out twice for lunch this week, once with an old friend from high school that I lived with for a few months before I got married, and once with the wife of one of my Ex's friends - the only one that still talks to me.
Anyways, I have to say that both were quite enlightening and very enjoyable.
At the first one, my friend related her own personal experiences with her parents divorcing when she was 5. She eloquently shared her memories and emotions with such grace that I was washed over with gratitude that I know this fabulous lady. I felt comfort and hope for the future because she did turn out so amazing and normal. Bless you C, I love you.
The second lunch was just as fun, catching up on kids and work and life. One of the things that was confirmed to me by her was that I didn't screw my Ex up - he was that way before I even met him. "His stupidity is the trigger to your happiness" she said. Thanks B! I can't even express my relief and the peace of mind that conversation brought to me. Not only that, she also shared with me advice on how to juggle it all as a working mom. I came away from that meeting enlightened and inspired.
Lesson learned: never underestimate the influence you can have in another person's life, even if all you share with them time wise is your lunch hour.
Anyways, I have to say that both were quite enlightening and very enjoyable.
At the first one, my friend related her own personal experiences with her parents divorcing when she was 5. She eloquently shared her memories and emotions with such grace that I was washed over with gratitude that I know this fabulous lady. I felt comfort and hope for the future because she did turn out so amazing and normal. Bless you C, I love you.
The second lunch was just as fun, catching up on kids and work and life. One of the things that was confirmed to me by her was that I didn't screw my Ex up - he was that way before I even met him. "His stupidity is the trigger to your happiness" she said. Thanks B! I can't even express my relief and the peace of mind that conversation brought to me. Not only that, she also shared with me advice on how to juggle it all as a working mom. I came away from that meeting enlightened and inspired.
Lesson learned: never underestimate the influence you can have in another person's life, even if all you share with them time wise is your lunch hour.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Another Ah Ha... Love Those
So I did the little quiz, do-it-yourself test as to "Why your with the one you're with" as posted on my other blog.
I've decided that I want to record my findings here. Not all, but some.
Growing up as the oldest of 5 children, in a very religious household, there were a lot of expectations placed on me as a child. Some real, some perceived.
Eventually, without getting into the details too much, at 18 I rebelled. I was done with the expectations, the living to please others, trying to be what others told me I should be. I had never felt so free.
A few years later I married, children quickly followed, and I was doing my best to be the perfect little do-good wife and mother, one who kept my mouth shut to all of the indiscretions, heartache, all the while trying (and largely failing) to live up to all of the expectations placed upon me by in-laws who were kept in the dark about their son.
After 11 years, I had to tap out.
Since he moved out, and I face a life where I get to decide what my future looks like without being attached to someone who I don't feel safe with, I am again reveling in the same feeling of freedom.
So what have I learned about myself and what I need so that the past has less of a chance of repeating itself?
IF I choose to ever get into a long term relationship again, I need to feel free. Free to make my own choices and be myself. Accepted for who I am.
I have gained strength, confidence, and I know who I am better than I ever have before. I will want someone who is comfortable, and can handle that.
Not rocket science, but add that to the rest of the long list of 'must have's' and 'can not have's' and suddenly finding that ideal man seems pretty unlikely.
But even if 'he' never shows up or doesn't even exist, at least one of my most basic needs is still being fulfilled:
Freedom to just be me.
I've decided that I want to record my findings here. Not all, but some.
Growing up as the oldest of 5 children, in a very religious household, there were a lot of expectations placed on me as a child. Some real, some perceived.
Eventually, without getting into the details too much, at 18 I rebelled. I was done with the expectations, the living to please others, trying to be what others told me I should be. I had never felt so free.
A few years later I married, children quickly followed, and I was doing my best to be the perfect little do-good wife and mother, one who kept my mouth shut to all of the indiscretions, heartache, all the while trying (and largely failing) to live up to all of the expectations placed upon me by in-laws who were kept in the dark about their son.
After 11 years, I had to tap out.
Since he moved out, and I face a life where I get to decide what my future looks like without being attached to someone who I don't feel safe with, I am again reveling in the same feeling of freedom.
So what have I learned about myself and what I need so that the past has less of a chance of repeating itself?
IF I choose to ever get into a long term relationship again, I need to feel free. Free to make my own choices and be myself. Accepted for who I am.
I have gained strength, confidence, and I know who I am better than I ever have before. I will want someone who is comfortable, and can handle that.
Not rocket science, but add that to the rest of the long list of 'must have's' and 'can not have's' and suddenly finding that ideal man seems pretty unlikely.
But even if 'he' never shows up or doesn't even exist, at least one of my most basic needs is still being fulfilled:
Freedom to just be me.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Are You Sure You Want To Go There??
Let me get this straight:
You were unfaithful to me for YEARS
You said that you had no desire to work things out
You were impatient, asking me when I was going to finally leave OUR house with our children to move into my parents place so you could have the 3000 sq ft house to yourself
You promised that you would always take care of me financially, which in your mind must mean 12.4% of your annual income to be allotted for spousal support while I go back to school for a few years
You, at the end of all this, still get to walk away with a house in Mexico completely paid for that you can make rental income off of, your classic car, your Harley, a truck and trailer, an intact pension, not to mention the freedom to, ahem, 'see' whoever you want while being free of that suppressive, clingy woman who bore the title of 'your wife' for 11 years
You get this years Halloween, Christmas, and Easter with the children
.........and YOUR the one who is pissed off??
Really??
Yeah, your right, you're really hard done by. Just remember, it's you who chose ALL of this so if you're not happy, that's just too frickin bad. Take your temper tantrums somewhere else.
You were unfaithful to me for YEARS
You said that you had no desire to work things out
You were impatient, asking me when I was going to finally leave OUR house with our children to move into my parents place so you could have the 3000 sq ft house to yourself
You promised that you would always take care of me financially, which in your mind must mean 12.4% of your annual income to be allotted for spousal support while I go back to school for a few years
You, at the end of all this, still get to walk away with a house in Mexico completely paid for that you can make rental income off of, your classic car, your Harley, a truck and trailer, an intact pension, not to mention the freedom to, ahem, 'see' whoever you want while being free of that suppressive, clingy woman who bore the title of 'your wife' for 11 years
You get this years Halloween, Christmas, and Easter with the children
.........and YOUR the one who is pissed off??
Really??
Yeah, your right, you're really hard done by. Just remember, it's you who chose ALL of this so if you're not happy, that's just too frickin bad. Take your temper tantrums somewhere else.
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