Not So Merry

I love Christmas.
At least I know I used to.  And I'm really trying to this year as well.
But for some reason I'm 75% happy and 25% not, and that 25% is starting to irk me.
It's hard around the holidays.  It's like another little reminder that there used to be someone and now there isn't.  I know my kids feel it too.  They wish we were all together.  I don't, but mostly because I know that I'm not wanted where ever he is.  And that feels kinda crappy sometimes, not gonna lie.  That he would rather be alone on Christmas Eve, calling his kids twice because I know he misses them, that he would rather do that than be with me 365 days a year.
I've had a little break through though.  I was chatting last night while I wrapped gifts with my best friend and more than once I said things out loud that have been clattering around in my brain that I thought were simple truths about myself.  She was quick to be vocal about how the way I see me is not the way that others see me.  So as I laid in bed I thought again as I often do about what is my 'self talk' - the things I say to myself so often that I believe them and I caught one.  Caught one because it has been so subtle and quiet, but repetitive enough for me to not even realize I've been saying it at all.  In fact, it's been around for so many years that it has definitely become a part of how I view myself, and I didn't even realize it.  I know when it started and who put it there, but that doesn't matter nearly so much as how do I change it?
You can't change what you don't own so here it is:
People don't actually like you, they're just pretending to your face.
And: You think you're special but you're not. 
Seriously - how in the world did I not recognize these going on in my head everyday??  They were so much a part of me that I didn't even see how damaging they were, and probably will continue to be as I try to change.
This is why I didn't try for the man I thought was out of my league and settled for a guy that paid attention to me.
This is why I down play every compliment ever given to me.
This is why I don't have many long-time friends, because I believe that they grow to get to know me, don't like what they see or realize that I'm totally average and boring and leave.
This is why I stayed in an abusive relationship for 10 years.
This is why I have a hard time believing that people who are not related to me (because if you're related you have to love each other, even if you make each other crazy) actually like me and care about me - I seriously believe that they are faking just to be nice, or put on a show, or are using me for something.  Seriously.
I've always said and meant it when I say I like me, I just don't think other people do.
Could I think of myself as special?
Could I trust someone else to like me as a person?  And almost the entire person, if not all??
Completely foreign to me.... but something I obviously need to think and study on so I don't repeat mistakes of my past OR pass them on, heaven forbid!
It's been an eye-opening thought process, and I'm feeling very vulnerable and a little emotional.  I'm not sure where to go from here, but since I newly discovered I'm smart and a survivor, I'm sure I'll figure it out in time.  Life's a journey.

My Secrets

Some, not all of course....

I wish I had someone more like me at school to hang out with.  I realize everyday how much older I am than the girls I study with.

If he called and really wanted me back, I'd actually consider it.

I look for cute guys on the train in the morning.  Once in a while if I don't see any, I'll get off that car and try the next one.

My first thought when I see a man texting is that he's talking to his mistress.

Share your secrets anonymously if you like... more from me another day....

I'm Going to Tell You

The extended version of my current facebook status: I'm a woman who tells it like it is.  If the slit of your skirt is so high that myself and everyone else walking behind you on a busy downtown street can actually see your butt, I'm going to tell you.  If your shirt is hanging out of your open fly and you are the manager of a fast food place, I'm going to tell you.  If you are walking past me in Rona and I notice that you still have a curler in your hair, I'm going to tell you.  So sure as shootin', if you call out my family member on their facebook status and you've got your facts seriously messed up??  I'm going to tell you.  Period.

I'm Looking... Have You Seen Him?

It's back.
That feeling that something is missing... and that something is a man.
I would love to feel strong arms around me, and feel safe being there.  I would love to roll over in bed and feel the warmth of another body there too.  I want to share new experiences, see new places, and make lasting memories with someone special who sets me apart from all others.  I want to belong to someone, and belong with someone. 
I want to feel the rush, the comfort, the security that being with a man brings.  And not just any man... the man.  I'm not a hop around, any-guy-will-do-for-now kind of woman.  I want to give it all and get it all in return.  That's what I want.
Is he out there?
Yeah, he's out there.  Somewhere...

Tired

I'm losing my motivation to keep on keepin' on.  I'm tired, and my hope is getting a little banged up and dusty.  I'm starting to get swamped with all that I have to do, and yet I can hardly say that I'm doing this all on my own.  I feel dependant, and lacking in too many ways tonight.  I wish I would lay down in my bed and it would swallow me whole for at least a week.  I wish I was more, better, faster, stronger, (is that a song??), and not alone, and not in debt.  Blech.

A Good Quiet

This, my ranting place, has been quiet for a while. 
And for this I am grateful, because it means I'm at peace.
Much love... A

Bit By Bit

There are still going to be battles, the kind of the previous post and others. 
But I'm winning the war.
I know I am.
I'm not going to call retreat, but I am giving up on the battles that just don't matter anymore.  And the crazy amazing part is that giving up makes me stronger, not weaker, more at peace, and less enraged. 
I'm moving on you know :) more details at my other blog, you know, just in case you like my ramblings :)

Out of Reach Dreams

I think I might be going crazy.
No.... really.
I feel like there's always this battle going on inside of me, a battle between 'wants' and 'shoulds'.
I want to have a man look at me twice, but I shouldn't do anything to draw attention to myself.
I want to pursue and be pursued now, but I shouldn't because good girls wait until the time is right.
I want to give in to human desires, but I shouldn't because... well, the because is a little blurry right now on that one but I just know that it's a HUGE shouldn't.
I want a good, amazing, good-looking guy, but I shouldn't get my hopes up because even a pretty crappy guy didn't want to keep me.

I keep waiting... waiting and waiting and waiting, and most days I'm pretty patient about it.  Sometimes I wonder what the point of waiting at all is.  Sometimes I don't want to keep putting on the brave face, and be the one who keeps being the good girl because don't you know - good things come to those who wait. 
No.
No I don't know, actually.
I feel like the things I want, the things I dream about and hope for are not going to happen and that the lessons I'm to learn are that life doesn't turn out the way you want it to, even though for others it does.  I feel like I'm one of those people who have to learn to be happy without, all the while watching others less deserving, less good at following the rules, get to be carefree and at peace and bottome-of-your-soul happy.

In all the back and forth between want/should, happy/sad, tired/alive, going forward/slipping back, I'm getting all jumbled and comfused as to what I really want, and what is actually attainable.  Are my expectations and dreams to far too out there ever be reached?  Have I been watching too many chick flicks and Disney movies to have a firm grasp on reality? Do I even know what I want?
Yes.
I know what I want.
But does it exist?
I have no idea.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM TIRED OF WAITING!!!!  DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE??????  I WANT TO BE DONE NOW!!!!!!   I WANT MY (*&%*(&($*&$(*(#W*$&#(*&(*#^$#(Q*#$(@*^$(#*&$ HOUSE TO SELL!!!  I WANT my ex to freaking JUMP UP AND DOWN WITH JOY and IMMEDIATLY sign off on the minutes of settlement so we can be OFFICIALLY DONE!!   I've been waiting like such a good little girl and I'm about to FREAKING SNAP!!!  THIS..... THIS IS MY LIMIT!!!!!!  BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is It That I'm Crazy For Waiting? Or Is The Waiting Making Me Crazy??

First off, thanks to Debbi for the 'blog award'!  I'd post links and all that to her's but to be honest, I have no idea how to do that.  I don't ACTUALLY live in bloggerland, I just come and dump my trash and leave ;)
Anyways, she's pretty much fantastic.  She tells it like it is, and tells ALL of it.  I love that.  I love that she has no shame in who she is, what has happened, or cares really what too many other people think.  I'm still transitioning from the land of 'Pleasers' myself and have a little ways to go, and hope to follow her lead in more ways than one.
So, she mentioned that I was honest and keep it real here too, which I do.  But she also mentioned that my content was sad.  Also true.  Bitter and angry are also words that come to my mind as well!!  Those aren't my only Thoughts, but again, keeping it real, they have been a lot of my thoughts for too long.  Time to lighten up I'd say :)
So..... other thoughts of mine??  Let's see.... I've been separated for, ohhhh, nearly 2 years, and being that I'm the religious sort, I've been doing my darndest to be morally good and all.... yeah... that's getting old pretty darn quick!  Not the morally good part, don't really want to face the wrath of those consequences thank you very much!!  But the single part = boring!!  Pretty much came to the realization that it was high time that SOMETHING be done when I'm sitting there watching the Bachelorette and I'm literally starting to crush on one of the guys on TV!  Lame...sauce....  Throw in that it's Stampede week and while it's true that I see allllll kinds of crazy get-up's while riding the train to school through downtown everyday (high waisted jeans with the pockets ending half way down your butt are NOT flattering - the goal is NOT to make your butt look like it's drooping more than it is... just saying...) anyways, back to my point, there are some really hot cowboys around town people!!  I'm a sucker for plaid and a hat, haha :)  AND THEN!!!  Oh yeah, it gets better, could my school be around the corner from the cop shop with strong, good looking, protective type men in cowboy hats and in uniform??? 
I know, I know, everyone feels like their divorce process takes the longest, and trust me, I've been pretty darn good at not sending out the 'available' vibe or spreading the word that I'm looking to meet people until it's official.  But I'm pacing the floor and wearing a groove in it, just so you know!

Ok, I Think I Got It This Time

Gosh, you know? This whole "letting go and moving on" business can be pretty up and down, just so you know.  BUT, I think I figured it out. 
So first I was trying to preserve the future relationship because I thought that would be a good idea considering I still have to see the man on a fairly regular basis for the next dozen or so years.  But that just ended up hurting like heck because it still felt like he was screwing me over, financially most of all.  Plus, I'm not gonna lie, having the man you love choose someone else kinda blows, especially when it's obvious that I'm, like, a total prize!! And considering what he chose instead???.... Ew!!  Haha, what could he POSSIBLY be thinking right?? 
So THEN I decided it's probably just easier to hate the man.  And it is, don't get me wrong!!  But that's not who I am.
So NOW I've had my aha moment and realize holy crap I still love him!!! 
Wait...
WHAT???????
Yeah, I love the man he was to my face, 30% of the time.  Not the other 70% he was to my face, or the 100% he was behind my back. 
That's the man I miss.
And I miss him a lot.
Even though I know.... that man no longer exists.

Happy Summers

You know, it's summer.  And it's funny how this new summer makes me think of old ones.  It wasn't all bad times.  We had some good times too.  I'm cautiously going over the good times again in my mind, knowing we aren't the same people anymore so there's no point in longing for more of those times.  But I wonder to myself if you thought there were good times too, and if you ever think about them, just once in a while.

Again, If Movies Were Real...

We watched the Transformers movie this weekend again as a family, and I have to say, how cool would it be when you're busting your butt to fight off the bad guys to get on your little radio and command the unseen, all powerful back-up to "Bring the rain!"  I gotta get me one of those little radios...

Painful Silence

Everytime I have a chance to blow your reputation to our children when they ask questions... and I don't... better count for something in heaven because man, it's one of the hardest things I do every time.

And It's All Drug Free People!!

I'm happy.  Not 'happy until...' or 'happy when...'.  I'm happy, I'm content, I'm secure, I'm focused.  Not all of the time, because I'm pretty sure you need some good drugs for that, but enough of the time.  I can do this.  I am doing this. 

Whoa - What WAS That??

Remember about a week ago when I said I didn't know how to move on??  Yeah, that must have been some bad chinese food or something.  Soooo have moved on... and never going back.  Homewrecker - you can have his scummy, skinny, cheating a$$.  Thanks again for stopping by though!  Made my life :)

(Oh, and the other guy??  Just saving him for later ;))

You, and You, and You

To individuals who shall remain nameless but who know exactly who they are... or should...

You:  ROT!!!!!
You:  I'm praying for Karma for you... and you deserve all that's coming to you

and

You:  It's hard, but I need you to keep doing what you're (not) doing for a while longer... I'll be in touch... promise :)

What the..?!?!

CRAP!!!
argh...
ok....
pity sake, can someone please tell me how the hell to just move on?????!!!!!
I really don't know how....
I keep trying and trying and... damn it....
I'm not the one.  I know I'm not the one.  Why won't my heart just let go already??
And what's really messed up is that it's not just one... it's two...
I know... you don't even have to tell me... I know....

Contradictions

I'm smart... and nieve.
I'm sweet... and seductive.
I'm nice... and dream of revenge.
I'm shy... and bold.
I'm immovable... and a softie.
I'm religious... and rebelious.
I'm social... and need space.
I'm beautiful... and invisable.

Warning: Yeah, I'm Venting... You Would Too

ARGH!!!
Why do I still have to deal with the lame a$$ doochbag and his bottomfeeder homewrecker???  They are both so UGLY and creepy and sickening and scuzzy!  Both are losers that are too insecure to be alone with their consciouses.
When are they going to figure it out????
He's totally a step up for her, even though he's pretty poor and she'll be supporting him for a looong while.  And she's completely a step down for him - which is comforting for his weak sauce ego.  Of course he'd trade in the woman who's expectations he was never going to meet, who knows all of his MANY disgusting, dirty secrets, who encouraged him to be better than he was.  He's lazy.  He wants someone who's too dumb to figure that out, and who's old and been with a ton of other people, none of which wanted to keep her long term.  That's his style.  Someone he doesn't have to stretch for, hell I'm sure she's thrilled he's not even working at all right now.  He's also emotionally abusive and a cheater - oh wait - they both are cowards like that, never mind.  I'm sure they make their mothers proud.
Oh well, at least they can smoke up and have dirty sex in the back of his borrowed mini van.  Now there's a happily ever after if I ever heard one. 

My Place

I wish I was standing on my hill, wind in my hair, blowing my troubles from my mind and heart.  Breathing in the spring air and watching the leaves begining to burst on their branches.  Watching the river, always constant and flowing, giving life, renewing.  Face tilted up, eyes closed against the sunlight, enjoying the long awaited warmth.  And smiling softly to myself as I feel the peace seep in.
I can't let life get too busy that I don't take time for this.  I need it.  I crave it.  This week...

Superpowers

My son asked me while ago if I could have any superpower, what would I chose?
I thought about it and I know without a doubt I would love to turn myself invisable on a whim.
Somedays I wish I was, just to hide away from everyone and everything.
Somedays I'd use it to sneak up on people and see what they say and do when they think no one is watching. 
Somedays I'd use it just to prank people and get a laugh.
I don't get the feeling often, but once in a while I feel like I'm invisable already.  Everyone I know has had the feeling at least once.  You know the one... the one where you wonder 'If something happened to me, who would care?  Who would notice?  What difference do I make in anyone's life?'
Invisable.
To be seen.
I can't decide.

Leave a Message

Here's the thing.
I have no idea if you read this, it really doesn't matter to me.  It really doesn't.
I'm not speaking to you.  One day maybe.  But not now.
I don't expect you to understand or respect that.  Again, that doesn't really matter to me.
You have broken every promise ever made to me.
You have treated me with the least amount of respect available to you for too many years.
You're words means nothing to me.
Therefore I choose not to hear them any longer.
I'm not the girl you knew anymore.
And the girl I am now is choosing not to let you in.
Goodbye.

Good Morning

When I dream of you, I wake up smiling.  Everytime.

Yeah, No... I'm Good

I love the show Survivor.  Watch it all the time.  And I always think to myself how, while it sucks to get voted off the island by people you thought you could trust, how glad they must be for a real bed, a toothbrush, and a hot shower to finally get the gunge off, and move on with your life.
I was voted off the island.
And trust me that dropping his last name feels just as wonderful as taking off the dirty, disgusting clothes that those contestants wear for days on end.
Ahhhh....
Finally.
Back to the real me.

Still

So, I'm back.
I thought or was maybe hoping somewhere inside that when I got back things would be different.  I'd be this changed person or that I'd understand myself better or even just look at myself differently in the mirror.
But I don't.
It's all the same.
I'm still me, whoever that is.
And I'm back to the same problems I left behind.
Still not divorced.
Still no sale on my house.
My kids still aren't home.
Up to my eyeballs in debt.
Mooching off my folks.
And sleeping alone.

I need to get out of the house today.

Which One Is You?

I can't remember which blog I did this on the last time, but it was fun and interesting so I'm doing it again here.  Here's what's going on.  I'm writing a pile of sentances, each one to a different person without actually naming the person.  These are all things I would like to say directly but don't because - oh I have lots of reasons because.  Ok, here it goes:

1 - You're beautiful inside and out, and far cooler than I thought you'd be.  I'm glad I'm getting to know you better.
2 - You are so calming to be around.  Thank you for being that way, it soothes so many weary hearts.
3 - I feel like you`ve changed and it's hard to be around you now.  I know you'll be offended and hold a grudge if I tell you so, so I don't.
4 - I'm kind of relieved that our friendship took the turn it did, and I feel horrible for feeling that way.  I could never have made you happy like you deserve.
5 - I know that you deserve more happiness in your life, but because there is no guarantee of that you are staying where you are, and I totally respect that.  But my heart hurts for you.
6 - I can't and don't respect you.  But one day I will forgive you.  I've begun working on it.
7 - Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself.
8 - Your life isn't easy I know, but I wonder what my life would be like with your problems instead of my own.  That being said, I wish I could do more to help ease those burdens you carry in a more tangible way all the time.
9 -  You're right, safe is easier than the unknown.  But if you never know for sure, will you feel regret?  I would, but that's just me.
10 - I hope and pray you get what you're waiting for.  Just don't forget to look in their eyes and see that you have happiness right here too.

It Feels Like Goodbye

I'm proud of you :)  You're doing the right thing and I support you in your decision.  And I hope that you're happier and more at peace within yourself too.
That's not to say that I don't miss you a lot.  I'm already missing the little moments, and I know that when the big events of my life that are coming up finally arrive, I will miss not being able to share my happiness with you.
Although I may never fully know what or who I was to you, this is what you meant to me:
I still count you as one on my closest friends, and I will never be able to look back on these life changing moments and not be able to think of you as well.  Your encouragement and belief in me, seeing what I could not, and helping me realize that even though someone thought I wasn't worth the energy and the time, someone else will. 
I suppose I could look back and think that maybe I'm still not, after all, you 'left' too. 
But I don't. 
That's how I know. 
That's how I know that I'm different.  Stronger than before.  Because of your tireless efforts in building me back up, I walk differently (haha, but still the same), I carry myself differently.  You helped me believe in me, as well as helped me to heal my heart.  And so I thank you forever.
Don't forget, I think you're amazing :)  I wish you love and happiness always, and will never forget you.  I really hope that one day our paths will cross again, and I will look forward to catching up over a cup of cider :) 
Hugs to you cutie boy...

To Paula

Kids are not stupid.  Especially not my kids.  And I'm not just saying that because I'm their Mom.  You know, the woman who is IRREPLACABLE in their lives.
I have so many questions for you, none of which I want an answer to be cause really, you disgust me to NO END.  But I do wonder what you tell yourself as you are sculking in to a married man's life.  A man with kids.  And then I wonder just how long you think you can pretend to care about those kids now when you obviously didn't when you had a major part in breaking up THEIR family.  I'm sure that you can put on a pretty good act, diguising your inner ugliness with puppies and board games, but a girl like you?  It's not going to last long before they see right through you.
And just in case you misunderstand me, I really don't care that you are with him.  In fact I'm glad.  Makes him "happier" along with the rest of the world because scum should always be with scum.  Saves the nice decent human beings from both your toxicity.  Really, you guys are made for each other.  Plus it will be fun to watch and see who cheats on who first, along with how many times you are together/not together.  And just as a side note, did you REALLY think that you were the first person he cheated with?  Or the second?  Or the third??  Yeah - have fun with that...
I guess in the end I should thank you though.  Thank you for tempting my spineless husband.  I have NEVER been happier.

Yes Honey, You Are an Idiot. Pretty Sure We Knew That Already Though. Glad To Know You See It Too.

Funny thing happened this week.
The Ex txted me a vengeful txt that didn't quite make sense.  When I questioned him about it, he replied that 'It means I'm an idiot. Nevermind.'
And thats when it all becomes blissfully clear - that txt wasn't meant for me... a girlfriend perhaps?  Perhaps the very same girlfriend that he left me for, the one who knew who I was, who met me, and was completely comfortable breaking up our family with the help of my idiot (his words) husband? the one he took to Palm Springs and then refused to admit on public record that adultery was the reason for this divorce?  the girl friend that broke up with him at least once already 5 weeks after said trip? the girlfriend that at sometime he began seeing again and had my kids - MY KIDS - meet and hang out with??
Oh yeah, the same one.
Pity things aren't going as planned for them.
And the best part?  Is that I think its completely hilarious.  And not in a 'I'm all bitter and I'm glad your life sucks right now' kind of way, but in a 'wish I could have seen your face when you realized you sent that to the wrong girl, this stuff only happens on tv' kind of way. 
Which tells me my heart is healing, faster than I thought it would.  And that's thanks to my best friends E, J, M, and C.  What would I do without you guys??  Really??