Arrggh!
It's back!
It's freaking back again!
What the hell??
The raw hurt, the inablitily to get a full breath, the weight on my shoulders, on the verge of tears, the memories of the begining when it all really started to unravel.
I'm exhausted, drained, and losing my energy to fight anymore.
Not fight him, but fight holding it all together.
When is it going to end, because really?
I'm almost done.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Pulled
I'm feeling like I am constantly being torn.
I want to be good, to choose the right, to live and be an example of a faith-filled woman, one who people marvel at and ask 'how is she able to handle all that is set before her with such grace, such dignity?'.
But seriously? Part of me wants to punch somebody in the face, curse like a sailor, and go for the jugular showing no mercy in an attempt to hurt as bad as I have been hurt.
It's an everyday battle and I'm hardly perfect. Occasionally the witch in me rears her ugly head. It's a fact.
And you know, I'm kinda done apologizing for it.
Consider yourself warned :)
I want to be good, to choose the right, to live and be an example of a faith-filled woman, one who people marvel at and ask 'how is she able to handle all that is set before her with such grace, such dignity?'.
But seriously? Part of me wants to punch somebody in the face, curse like a sailor, and go for the jugular showing no mercy in an attempt to hurt as bad as I have been hurt.
It's an everyday battle and I'm hardly perfect. Occasionally the witch in me rears her ugly head. It's a fact.
And you know, I'm kinda done apologizing for it.
Consider yourself warned :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Lunches
I went for out twice for lunch this week, once with an old friend from high school that I lived with for a few months before I got married, and once with the wife of one of my Ex's friends - the only one that still talks to me.
Anyways, I have to say that both were quite enlightening and very enjoyable.
At the first one, my friend related her own personal experiences with her parents divorcing when she was 5. She eloquently shared her memories and emotions with such grace that I was washed over with gratitude that I know this fabulous lady. I felt comfort and hope for the future because she did turn out so amazing and normal. Bless you C, I love you.
The second lunch was just as fun, catching up on kids and work and life. One of the things that was confirmed to me by her was that I didn't screw my Ex up - he was that way before I even met him. "His stupidity is the trigger to your happiness" she said. Thanks B! I can't even express my relief and the peace of mind that conversation brought to me. Not only that, she also shared with me advice on how to juggle it all as a working mom. I came away from that meeting enlightened and inspired.
Lesson learned: never underestimate the influence you can have in another person's life, even if all you share with them time wise is your lunch hour.
Anyways, I have to say that both were quite enlightening and very enjoyable.
At the first one, my friend related her own personal experiences with her parents divorcing when she was 5. She eloquently shared her memories and emotions with such grace that I was washed over with gratitude that I know this fabulous lady. I felt comfort and hope for the future because she did turn out so amazing and normal. Bless you C, I love you.
The second lunch was just as fun, catching up on kids and work and life. One of the things that was confirmed to me by her was that I didn't screw my Ex up - he was that way before I even met him. "His stupidity is the trigger to your happiness" she said. Thanks B! I can't even express my relief and the peace of mind that conversation brought to me. Not only that, she also shared with me advice on how to juggle it all as a working mom. I came away from that meeting enlightened and inspired.
Lesson learned: never underestimate the influence you can have in another person's life, even if all you share with them time wise is your lunch hour.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Another Ah Ha... Love Those
So I did the little quiz, do-it-yourself test as to "Why your with the one you're with" as posted on my other blog.
I've decided that I want to record my findings here. Not all, but some.
Growing up as the oldest of 5 children, in a very religious household, there were a lot of expectations placed on me as a child. Some real, some perceived.
Eventually, without getting into the details too much, at 18 I rebelled. I was done with the expectations, the living to please others, trying to be what others told me I should be. I had never felt so free.
A few years later I married, children quickly followed, and I was doing my best to be the perfect little do-good wife and mother, one who kept my mouth shut to all of the indiscretions, heartache, all the while trying (and largely failing) to live up to all of the expectations placed upon me by in-laws who were kept in the dark about their son.
After 11 years, I had to tap out.
Since he moved out, and I face a life where I get to decide what my future looks like without being attached to someone who I don't feel safe with, I am again reveling in the same feeling of freedom.
So what have I learned about myself and what I need so that the past has less of a chance of repeating itself?
IF I choose to ever get into a long term relationship again, I need to feel free. Free to make my own choices and be myself. Accepted for who I am.
I have gained strength, confidence, and I know who I am better than I ever have before. I will want someone who is comfortable, and can handle that.
Not rocket science, but add that to the rest of the long list of 'must have's' and 'can not have's' and suddenly finding that ideal man seems pretty unlikely.
But even if 'he' never shows up or doesn't even exist, at least one of my most basic needs is still being fulfilled:
Freedom to just be me.
I've decided that I want to record my findings here. Not all, but some.
Growing up as the oldest of 5 children, in a very religious household, there were a lot of expectations placed on me as a child. Some real, some perceived.
Eventually, without getting into the details too much, at 18 I rebelled. I was done with the expectations, the living to please others, trying to be what others told me I should be. I had never felt so free.
A few years later I married, children quickly followed, and I was doing my best to be the perfect little do-good wife and mother, one who kept my mouth shut to all of the indiscretions, heartache, all the while trying (and largely failing) to live up to all of the expectations placed upon me by in-laws who were kept in the dark about their son.
After 11 years, I had to tap out.
Since he moved out, and I face a life where I get to decide what my future looks like without being attached to someone who I don't feel safe with, I am again reveling in the same feeling of freedom.
So what have I learned about myself and what I need so that the past has less of a chance of repeating itself?
IF I choose to ever get into a long term relationship again, I need to feel free. Free to make my own choices and be myself. Accepted for who I am.
I have gained strength, confidence, and I know who I am better than I ever have before. I will want someone who is comfortable, and can handle that.
Not rocket science, but add that to the rest of the long list of 'must have's' and 'can not have's' and suddenly finding that ideal man seems pretty unlikely.
But even if 'he' never shows up or doesn't even exist, at least one of my most basic needs is still being fulfilled:
Freedom to just be me.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Are You Sure You Want To Go There??
Let me get this straight:
You were unfaithful to me for YEARS
You said that you had no desire to work things out
You were impatient, asking me when I was going to finally leave OUR house with our children to move into my parents place so you could have the 3000 sq ft house to yourself
You promised that you would always take care of me financially, which in your mind must mean 12.4% of your annual income to be allotted for spousal support while I go back to school for a few years
You, at the end of all this, still get to walk away with a house in Mexico completely paid for that you can make rental income off of, your classic car, your Harley, a truck and trailer, an intact pension, not to mention the freedom to, ahem, 'see' whoever you want while being free of that suppressive, clingy woman who bore the title of 'your wife' for 11 years
You get this years Halloween, Christmas, and Easter with the children
.........and YOUR the one who is pissed off??
Really??
Yeah, your right, you're really hard done by. Just remember, it's you who chose ALL of this so if you're not happy, that's just too frickin bad. Take your temper tantrums somewhere else.
You were unfaithful to me for YEARS
You said that you had no desire to work things out
You were impatient, asking me when I was going to finally leave OUR house with our children to move into my parents place so you could have the 3000 sq ft house to yourself
You promised that you would always take care of me financially, which in your mind must mean 12.4% of your annual income to be allotted for spousal support while I go back to school for a few years
You, at the end of all this, still get to walk away with a house in Mexico completely paid for that you can make rental income off of, your classic car, your Harley, a truck and trailer, an intact pension, not to mention the freedom to, ahem, 'see' whoever you want while being free of that suppressive, clingy woman who bore the title of 'your wife' for 11 years
You get this years Halloween, Christmas, and Easter with the children
.........and YOUR the one who is pissed off??
Really??
Yeah, your right, you're really hard done by. Just remember, it's you who chose ALL of this so if you're not happy, that's just too frickin bad. Take your temper tantrums somewhere else.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Mormon Lent?? I'm In :)
My cousin posted on her blog http://thewoodchips.blogspot.com/ that she wants to give some stuff up that's hard for her for the entire month of November. Got me thinking, what could I give up for a month? I mean, as a Mormon, there's already A LOT of things that I already don't do that quite frankly the rest of the world thinks we're kinda crazy for, like coffee, booze, sleeping around, smoking, etc, etc, etc. Now add to that all of the things that I've already given up this year, my house, any physical contact with the opposite sex that's more than a hug, most of my old life's securities, relationships with friends and his family, just to name a few. You can start to see my reluctance in giving up anything else. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm also the type of person that's always looking for more ways to better myself, to improve while also being entirely realistic in setting a goal I could actually achieve. So while I'm not giving up facebook, txting, junk food, shopping for shoes, swearing, TV, or my iPod, I can give up on my late nights. I get to bed ridiculously late, probably because I have a lot floating around in this head of mine and rather than lay in bed and stress, I go out and drive, or I blog, or I watch TV online, or facebook, or whatever I can to distract myself until I'm exhausted and know that I will fall asleep almost immediately. Downside? I'm looking in the mirror and not liking what I'm seeing. I look haggard, my skin is breaking out and looks flat rather than bright, those little lines under my eyes are only getting deeper, not to mention that I'm just plain tired. And of course coping skills are not at their peak when all I can think about is when can I squeeze a nap into my day.
So I'm on the wagon. My goal is to be in bed, lights out, on my way to dreamland every night for the month of November BY MIDNIGHT. I'll be back to let you know how I'm doing, because of course you care ;)
So I'm on the wagon. My goal is to be in bed, lights out, on my way to dreamland every night for the month of November BY MIDNIGHT. I'll be back to let you know how I'm doing, because of course you care ;)
Friday, October 30, 2009
These Are My Inner Thoughts Alright...
Yeah, I'm a strong woman.
I'm starting to see it sometimes. Not just see, but believe it right to my core.
Sometimes.
And it's in those moments that I know I can do this, this life by myself with my two precious little people in tow.
And then there are the moments where the fear of failing, of trusting again, of rejection are all encompassing and leave me frantic to hang on to someone. But I don't. Partly because there's no one, and partly because I'm afraid to need like that.
What I long for, and once in a while ache for, is someone at the end of the day who I don't have to be strong for, someone who will wrap me up and let me know that I'm safe with them, flaws and all. Someone who will take care of me. Someone who won't break my heart.
Until then, I have no choice but to keep on being strong.
I'm starting to see it sometimes. Not just see, but believe it right to my core.
Sometimes.
And it's in those moments that I know I can do this, this life by myself with my two precious little people in tow.
And then there are the moments where the fear of failing, of trusting again, of rejection are all encompassing and leave me frantic to hang on to someone. But I don't. Partly because there's no one, and partly because I'm afraid to need like that.
What I long for, and once in a while ache for, is someone at the end of the day who I don't have to be strong for, someone who will wrap me up and let me know that I'm safe with them, flaws and all. Someone who will take care of me. Someone who won't break my heart.
Until then, I have no choice but to keep on being strong.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Everybody Loves a Head Case
Let me explain something else.
These are a sampling of things people have been saying to me lately:
You look great!
You are amazing!
You are so brave!
Sounds like you have it all under control.
You're beautiful.
You can do this.
He's a freaking loser for letting you go.
You won't be single for long.
While I am really and truly grateful when such nice things are said to me, or about me, there is something that I need to confess.
I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT!!!!!
Because if I did... if I let myself believe the things that people are telling me... then that would make me feel like I'm special.
I don't want to be special, or stand out in a crowd.
I WANT to be average.
Because there is safety in being average.
No one expects amazing things from average people.
No one says, 'it's too bad that she's single - she's so average'.
You can hide away in 'averageness' with less chance of flaws and insecurities being gawked at and analyzed by the masses.
And for some unexplainable reason, it makes all the past hurts hurt less. Maybe because when someone treats you like you're worth less and you believe them and then repeat in your head all of the things that you are not, all the ways you will never measure up, and then someone else tells you something different, something new, you feel cheated. Smaller. And VERY confused because someone is lying to you.
And from then on, whenever you do something great, you think the first person was full of crap. But because you have also repeated their crap over and over in your own head for so long, it opens a whole new (and sometimes intimidating) way of looking at yourself.
And then of course when you do anything dumb or stupid, then you feel like the second group of people are blind and misguided because if they knew you in these moments then they would surely see what you have seen and believed all along.
What if I can't live up to all of these new compliments?
What if I'm just a messed up head case of a girl that everyone, especially men, should stay the heck away from?
Pretty sure I could pull off average.
Amazing scares me. But probably because deep down, that's what I want to be.
These are a sampling of things people have been saying to me lately:
You look great!
You are amazing!
You are so brave!
Sounds like you have it all under control.
You're beautiful.
You can do this.
He's a freaking loser for letting you go.
You won't be single for long.
While I am really and truly grateful when such nice things are said to me, or about me, there is something that I need to confess.
I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT!!!!!
Because if I did... if I let myself believe the things that people are telling me... then that would make me feel like I'm special.
I don't want to be special, or stand out in a crowd.
I WANT to be average.
Because there is safety in being average.
No one expects amazing things from average people.
No one says, 'it's too bad that she's single - she's so average'.
You can hide away in 'averageness' with less chance of flaws and insecurities being gawked at and analyzed by the masses.
And for some unexplainable reason, it makes all the past hurts hurt less. Maybe because when someone treats you like you're worth less and you believe them and then repeat in your head all of the things that you are not, all the ways you will never measure up, and then someone else tells you something different, something new, you feel cheated. Smaller. And VERY confused because someone is lying to you.
And from then on, whenever you do something great, you think the first person was full of crap. But because you have also repeated their crap over and over in your own head for so long, it opens a whole new (and sometimes intimidating) way of looking at yourself.
And then of course when you do anything dumb or stupid, then you feel like the second group of people are blind and misguided because if they knew you in these moments then they would surely see what you have seen and believed all along.
What if I can't live up to all of these new compliments?
What if I'm just a messed up head case of a girl that everyone, especially men, should stay the heck away from?
Pretty sure I could pull off average.
Amazing scares me. But probably because deep down, that's what I want to be.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Count Your Many Blessings
Word of warning - you are reading this on my venting blog, not my "we have it all together" blog which can only mean one thing - I need to vent.
I am a grateful person most of the time. I can see the good in almost every situation. So these are some of the things that I really am grateful for.
I am grateful that I am not living everyday wondering what my husband is up to.
I am grateful that I feel taller, happier, brighter, and far better looking with out him.
I am grateful that, while I am by no means perfect, I can walk away knowing that I did all I could, that this (divorce, breaking up our family, kids crying themselves to sleep at night, me having anxiety attacks because I now get to provide for myself and 2 children because he has no conscience and is feels completely comfortable screwing me over financially, because screwing me over physically, emotionally, and mentally for the last 11 years wasn't enough) was his call because 1) he refused to stop his lies and 'extracurricular activities' and I was done dealing with them, and 2) he didn't want to try to keep this together due to the lure of a relationship with another woman (which, by the way, didn't last... SHOCKER!!)
I am grateful for the amazing invention of texting so that I almost never have to speak directly to him.
I am grateful to know that - while there may not be someone else in my future - at least there won't be him.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I am a grateful person most of the time. I can see the good in almost every situation. So these are some of the things that I really am grateful for.
I am grateful that I am not living everyday wondering what my husband is up to.
I am grateful that I feel taller, happier, brighter, and far better looking with out him.
I am grateful that, while I am by no means perfect, I can walk away knowing that I did all I could, that this (divorce, breaking up our family, kids crying themselves to sleep at night, me having anxiety attacks because I now get to provide for myself and 2 children because he has no conscience and is feels completely comfortable screwing me over financially, because screwing me over physically, emotionally, and mentally for the last 11 years wasn't enough) was his call because 1) he refused to stop his lies and 'extracurricular activities' and I was done dealing with them, and 2) he didn't want to try to keep this together due to the lure of a relationship with another woman (which, by the way, didn't last... SHOCKER!!)
I am grateful for the amazing invention of texting so that I almost never have to speak directly to him.
I am grateful to know that - while there may not be someone else in my future - at least there won't be him.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
It's a Dirty Job...
When the (f)it hits the (sh)an as many times as it has in my life, it's going to take a while to get my poop in a group :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I Just Needed a Few Days
So, I'm fine, really.
I have moments where I'm less than fine and I guess because I've never really been one for drama, I don't know what to DO with all of this.... emotion.
I've always buried it and dealt with it alone. Now there's too much to contain and I sometimes feel like a cook with too many pots boiling over. Yeah - whatever - I know I made a cooking analogy and I don't cook but whatever - you get my point.
Point is that I'm fine, almost all of the time. Point is that I have learned from my pain - that it comes and goes and that I will survive, only to go through a different pain down the road.
Most of all though, really, I'm doing ok. And I'm still smiling - on the inside and the outside.
I have moments where I'm less than fine and I guess because I've never really been one for drama, I don't know what to DO with all of this.... emotion.
I've always buried it and dealt with it alone. Now there's too much to contain and I sometimes feel like a cook with too many pots boiling over. Yeah - whatever - I know I made a cooking analogy and I don't cook but whatever - you get my point.
Point is that I'm fine, almost all of the time. Point is that I have learned from my pain - that it comes and goes and that I will survive, only to go through a different pain down the road.
Most of all though, really, I'm doing ok. And I'm still smiling - on the inside and the outside.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The Reasons
I can see the walls going up again.
They are familiar to me.
I've been here before, and it's not my favorite place.
But how much can one girl take?
I'm pulling back from my life, I know I shouldn't. I know I should be worried. But right now I feel like my batteries are tapped out. That it's time for survival mode for a while. The energy I have left will be poured into getting up out of bed. Getting dressed. Putting on the plastic face for my children that all will be just fine. Moving around the house. And going to bed.
There is nothing extra in me right now for chatting. For social engagements. For blogging. For anything other than what I listed above. I am walking a very fine line right now and I know it and feel it.
I hate depression. I don't want to be. But I know my body. After many months of this stress, it whacks out the delicate levels of hormones in my brain. My adrenal glands have been firing like crazy resulting in anxiety attacks for months. My thyroid is messed up too. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I haven't yet crossed the line, but I can see it. Clearer than I want to.
So I am shutting down. If I don't power back up by next week, then we have a problem. See you on the flip side.
They are familiar to me.
I've been here before, and it's not my favorite place.
But how much can one girl take?
I'm pulling back from my life, I know I shouldn't. I know I should be worried. But right now I feel like my batteries are tapped out. That it's time for survival mode for a while. The energy I have left will be poured into getting up out of bed. Getting dressed. Putting on the plastic face for my children that all will be just fine. Moving around the house. And going to bed.
There is nothing extra in me right now for chatting. For social engagements. For blogging. For anything other than what I listed above. I am walking a very fine line right now and I know it and feel it.
I hate depression. I don't want to be. But I know my body. After many months of this stress, it whacks out the delicate levels of hormones in my brain. My adrenal glands have been firing like crazy resulting in anxiety attacks for months. My thyroid is messed up too. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I haven't yet crossed the line, but I can see it. Clearer than I want to.
So I am shutting down. If I don't power back up by next week, then we have a problem. See you on the flip side.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
My New Friend
In my life I have a few very close friends that have stood the test of time and have remained with me throughout all my ups and downs, whether it be standing right by my side or holding me in their heart.
I have also had close friends that were there in my life only for a season. And while those didn't last, I still cherish them for what they were and how much they made me who I am today.
Recently, I have made a new friend. I'm not entirely sure which of the two above categories this friendship will fall under but I do know that it has very quickly grown into something really special to me. What has been the most surprising to me is the fact that this is so clearly what is meant for the both of us right now.
I have no fears or insecurities about sharing who I really am to him. All of my trust issues (which, come on, let's face it, I have my reasons to have a good fair share of them) are not registering. I have no walls up with him at all. I know there is nothing that I can't talk to him about. In the very short time span that we have known each other, I have been completely open and honest about who I am without reservation. At all. This alone has me shaking my head and wondering what is going on here. And I think he's doing the very same thing.
While my kids have been gone camping with their dad these last two weeks, he and I have been almost inseparable, just enjoying getting to know each other better. I will always look back on the this time that we have had as a blessing, an opportunity to build a solid foundation for a friendship that I hope will last forever. Who knows though. Time will tell. Sometimes life happens and things aren't meant to be. What I do know is that whatever this is - it's pretty rare, at least for me anyways. He's a gift, and I am a very lucky girl.
I have also had close friends that were there in my life only for a season. And while those didn't last, I still cherish them for what they were and how much they made me who I am today.
Recently, I have made a new friend. I'm not entirely sure which of the two above categories this friendship will fall under but I do know that it has very quickly grown into something really special to me. What has been the most surprising to me is the fact that this is so clearly what is meant for the both of us right now.
I have no fears or insecurities about sharing who I really am to him. All of my trust issues (which, come on, let's face it, I have my reasons to have a good fair share of them) are not registering. I have no walls up with him at all. I know there is nothing that I can't talk to him about. In the very short time span that we have known each other, I have been completely open and honest about who I am without reservation. At all. This alone has me shaking my head and wondering what is going on here. And I think he's doing the very same thing.
While my kids have been gone camping with their dad these last two weeks, he and I have been almost inseparable, just enjoying getting to know each other better. I will always look back on the this time that we have had as a blessing, an opportunity to build a solid foundation for a friendship that I hope will last forever. Who knows though. Time will tell. Sometimes life happens and things aren't meant to be. What I do know is that whatever this is - it's pretty rare, at least for me anyways. He's a gift, and I am a very lucky girl.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Out of Sorts
So, I did it. I moved out of MY house. And I am a whole bundle of emotions about it but the leading one - is some ticked!!!!!!!!
I am mad.
I am mad at his Dad. Picture the following: He comes over to my house just three days short of me leaving (which to anyone else who has ever moved means that you're right in the thick of it right???) looks around my yard (which I haven't mowed for 2 weeks because it has either been raining, or I've been busy packing) and says "looks like you've got a jungle going out there!" Me: "I know, I've just been busy, the grass can wait" to which he replies "busy doing what?" !?!?!?!?!? (did he really just say that to me??) "Packing" "uh huh??" Now this is classic FIL implying that I am yet again a lazy do-nothing who has her priorities all mixed up, that is if I had any ambition to have any to begin with. I just let him know that he can put his mind at ease, it will be done by Monday when I move out.
Feelin' the love yet?
Follow that up with this conversation not 10 minutes later "So when are you moving?" "Monday" "I have to tell you I think you are making a mistake" "You mean in not keeping the house???" "yeah" "I can't afford to keep it and buy T. out. Trust me, I have run the numbers and I can't make it work" "well, if you can't afford it then how is T. going to?" " I don't know. I'm sure he'll figure something out though."
And is my 10 year old son sitting right beside me?? As he questions my line of thinking?? Yes, yes he is.
Make. Me. Crazy!!!!!
The SIL is no better. Hasn't really spoken to me in at least 2 months other than one polite meeting on parade day. Calls me up the other day to ask if I could come and stay at her empty house to watch her dog and her cat and my dog while she and her family, the in-laws, my ex and my kids all go on the same two week camping trip that we ALL went on last year. Gee - can I???
Sensitivity is obviously NOT a trait that has been cultivated nearly enough there.
Maybe I was just brought up differently. Before you say something, STOP AND THINK about how the other person is going to hear/feel if you say what it is you feel you just gotta say. THINK OF THE OTHER PERSON, NOT YOURSELF.
(sigh)
Oh, and FYI? Someone who is weak, undisciplined, and selfish would be quite unable to hold her tongue FOR YEARS ON END and put up with all of the CRAP that I have put up with. So maybe your opinions about me have been wrong - for a very looooong time.
Ahhhh.... that felt good. And that last bit is soooo going on the other blog :)
I am mad.
I am mad at his Dad. Picture the following: He comes over to my house just three days short of me leaving (which to anyone else who has ever moved means that you're right in the thick of it right???) looks around my yard (which I haven't mowed for 2 weeks because it has either been raining, or I've been busy packing) and says "looks like you've got a jungle going out there!" Me: "I know, I've just been busy, the grass can wait" to which he replies "busy doing what?" !?!?!?!?!? (did he really just say that to me??) "Packing" "uh huh??" Now this is classic FIL implying that I am yet again a lazy do-nothing who has her priorities all mixed up, that is if I had any ambition to have any to begin with. I just let him know that he can put his mind at ease, it will be done by Monday when I move out.
Feelin' the love yet?
Follow that up with this conversation not 10 minutes later "So when are you moving?" "Monday" "I have to tell you I think you are making a mistake" "You mean in not keeping the house???" "yeah" "I can't afford to keep it and buy T. out. Trust me, I have run the numbers and I can't make it work" "well, if you can't afford it then how is T. going to?" " I don't know. I'm sure he'll figure something out though."
And is my 10 year old son sitting right beside me?? As he questions my line of thinking?? Yes, yes he is.
Make. Me. Crazy!!!!!
The SIL is no better. Hasn't really spoken to me in at least 2 months other than one polite meeting on parade day. Calls me up the other day to ask if I could come and stay at her empty house to watch her dog and her cat and my dog while she and her family, the in-laws, my ex and my kids all go on the same two week camping trip that we ALL went on last year. Gee - can I???
Sensitivity is obviously NOT a trait that has been cultivated nearly enough there.
Maybe I was just brought up differently. Before you say something, STOP AND THINK about how the other person is going to hear/feel if you say what it is you feel you just gotta say. THINK OF THE OTHER PERSON, NOT YOURSELF.
(sigh)
Oh, and FYI? Someone who is weak, undisciplined, and selfish would be quite unable to hold her tongue FOR YEARS ON END and put up with all of the CRAP that I have put up with. So maybe your opinions about me have been wrong - for a very looooong time.
Ahhhh.... that felt good. And that last bit is soooo going on the other blog :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Happy Birthday Blues
Today he turns 40.
I didn't know what to do to mark the occasion so I sent the kids with some money to go shopping for a special gift for him. I also sent him an email. Nothing big or fancy, just an 'I'm thinking about you today and hope you have a great day" kinda thing.
Maybe it's because I'm already feeling a little under the weather anyways, but I got kinda emotional. I mean, we've celebrated this day together for the last 13 years and it's kinda hard not to feel like this is his special day and he doesn't want me there anymore.
Waa, waa. I know. I'm sucking it up now, haha. It's all good and really I'm fine. I just miss him today I guess and I still really care about him, whether he cares back or not.
It's hard not to think about last year camping in Idaho, candles in a bunch of King Dons. Or the year before, same treat but in the Redwoods, all of us, camping together as a family celebrating this man who is so special to us.
I very much doubt he reads this but whatever. Happy Birthday Trev. I really do wish you all the best.
Alison
I didn't know what to do to mark the occasion so I sent the kids with some money to go shopping for a special gift for him. I also sent him an email. Nothing big or fancy, just an 'I'm thinking about you today and hope you have a great day" kinda thing.
Maybe it's because I'm already feeling a little under the weather anyways, but I got kinda emotional. I mean, we've celebrated this day together for the last 13 years and it's kinda hard not to feel like this is his special day and he doesn't want me there anymore.
Waa, waa. I know. I'm sucking it up now, haha. It's all good and really I'm fine. I just miss him today I guess and I still really care about him, whether he cares back or not.
It's hard not to think about last year camping in Idaho, candles in a bunch of King Dons. Or the year before, same treat but in the Redwoods, all of us, camping together as a family celebrating this man who is so special to us.
I very much doubt he reads this but whatever. Happy Birthday Trev. I really do wish you all the best.
Alison
Monday, June 22, 2009
Fate and Fireworks
Do you believe in fate?
One person 'made' for each one of us?
Or do you believe that fate is a myth and that there are possibly quite a few people that we could get along swimmingly with for the rest of our lives.
I used to believe in fate.
Now I don't.
New topic:
Have you ever had fireworks with someone? Not just your average 'butterflies' feeling but such an intense attraction that you couldn't hold your hands steady if you tried (never mind the rest of you), that forming complete sentences was monumental because as soon as you were around him every intelligent thought left your brain. That you would avoid looking at him in a crowded room because if someone saw the two of you making eye contact there would be no way of disguising the chemistry you two had. He's the guy that you felt you had no natural defences around. The one you felt intensely drawn to with no logical explanation. The one that when you made eye contact, the air seemed to crackle with the electricity and everything else in the background went all fuzzy.
I have.
But only once.
And trust me, it's still pretty unforgettable.
What I regret is that I didn't pursue it at the time because it was so intense, and I was afraid that it was only one sided and I'd be rejected. I didn't take the risk. And now I'm left to wonder.
My question is does it ever happen more than once?
Or is it so rare that not everyone gets to even have it the one time, let alone more than that?
One person 'made' for each one of us?
Or do you believe that fate is a myth and that there are possibly quite a few people that we could get along swimmingly with for the rest of our lives.
I used to believe in fate.
Now I don't.
New topic:
Have you ever had fireworks with someone? Not just your average 'butterflies' feeling but such an intense attraction that you couldn't hold your hands steady if you tried (never mind the rest of you), that forming complete sentences was monumental because as soon as you were around him every intelligent thought left your brain. That you would avoid looking at him in a crowded room because if someone saw the two of you making eye contact there would be no way of disguising the chemistry you two had. He's the guy that you felt you had no natural defences around. The one you felt intensely drawn to with no logical explanation. The one that when you made eye contact, the air seemed to crackle with the electricity and everything else in the background went all fuzzy.
I have.
But only once.
And trust me, it's still pretty unforgettable.
What I regret is that I didn't pursue it at the time because it was so intense, and I was afraid that it was only one sided and I'd be rejected. I didn't take the risk. And now I'm left to wonder.
My question is does it ever happen more than once?
Or is it so rare that not everyone gets to even have it the one time, let alone more than that?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Are You Talking To... Me??
I know. It's been a while.
But that's because things are, for now, good.
The sun is shining, my soon-to-be-ex is being civil, I have rearranged my priorities to better suit the direction and mind set I want for my future. I'm making new friends and really enjoying getting to know them better.
I still get lonely once in a while.
I still get sad once in a while.
It's still no cake walk but there are more occasions that have put a smile on my face than brought tears.
I'm working out a little and eating better and seeing an improvement in how I look and feel. (well, maybe not right this second as I am devouring a handful of Swedish Berries - love those things!)
I'm learning to love that person I see in the mirror (especially as there is a little bit less to love! Ok, pushing away the Berries now).
I'm still not sure what my future holds.
I have hope that I will someday find someone to share my love and life with. And of course I hope that comes sooner than later.
In the mean time though I am enjoying being noticed by men.
Are you as shocked by that statement as I am??
I am completely taken off guard by it, and I have no comebacks, which trust me, makes me look soo smart. This, being noticed by guys, is very rare for me. I'm not just saying that to be modest or anything. There have literally been 3 men that I can say for sure that have wanted and taken the time to get to know me. The real me.
I was not that girl in high school, the one who the guys flirted with, asked out, or dated. I felt pretty near invisible, and have for pretty much forever until just lately. And while I am completely flattered, I'm also stunned and bewildered - both of which I pray do not register on my face. And while I talk big, like I will be thrilled when I choose to start dating again, there's a pretty big part that is freaking scared to death. And don't know which is worse, being asked, or not being asked. Wait - scratch that - pretty sure NOT being asked at all would be worse.
But when a guy stops and makes a polite observation, and I know that he said something just to engage in a conversation with me, and I know that it's me he's talking to and not some hot chick behind me, it pretty much blows my mind. And makes my day, because I am so stunned that I end up thinking about it all day.
See? What did I tell you? I'm easy to please.
But that's because things are, for now, good.
The sun is shining, my soon-to-be-ex is being civil, I have rearranged my priorities to better suit the direction and mind set I want for my future. I'm making new friends and really enjoying getting to know them better.
I still get lonely once in a while.
I still get sad once in a while.
It's still no cake walk but there are more occasions that have put a smile on my face than brought tears.
I'm working out a little and eating better and seeing an improvement in how I look and feel. (well, maybe not right this second as I am devouring a handful of Swedish Berries - love those things!)
I'm learning to love that person I see in the mirror (especially as there is a little bit less to love! Ok, pushing away the Berries now).
I'm still not sure what my future holds.
I have hope that I will someday find someone to share my love and life with. And of course I hope that comes sooner than later.
In the mean time though I am enjoying being noticed by men.
Are you as shocked by that statement as I am??
I am completely taken off guard by it, and I have no comebacks, which trust me, makes me look soo smart. This, being noticed by guys, is very rare for me. I'm not just saying that to be modest or anything. There have literally been 3 men that I can say for sure that have wanted and taken the time to get to know me. The real me.
I was not that girl in high school, the one who the guys flirted with, asked out, or dated. I felt pretty near invisible, and have for pretty much forever until just lately. And while I am completely flattered, I'm also stunned and bewildered - both of which I pray do not register on my face. And while I talk big, like I will be thrilled when I choose to start dating again, there's a pretty big part that is freaking scared to death. And don't know which is worse, being asked, or not being asked. Wait - scratch that - pretty sure NOT being asked at all would be worse.
But when a guy stops and makes a polite observation, and I know that he said something just to engage in a conversation with me, and I know that it's me he's talking to and not some hot chick behind me, it pretty much blows my mind. And makes my day, because I am so stunned that I end up thinking about it all day.
See? What did I tell you? I'm easy to please.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
A Little Ranting Never Hurts
I just want to be DONE!!
DONE chem.
DONE living here.
DONE being married.
DONE with getting the short end of the stick.
DONE with being treated like I'm worthless.
DONE. DONE! DONE!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
I want guarantees.
I want to KNOW that all this crap really will be worth it, and worth it long enough to enjoy it.
I want to KNOW that the future holds something a whole heck of a lot better than my past. Because seriously - if this is it? If this is all there is I'm gonna be some pissed off let me tell you!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONE chem.
DONE living here.
DONE being married.
DONE with getting the short end of the stick.
DONE with being treated like I'm worthless.
DONE. DONE! DONE!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
I want guarantees.
I want to KNOW that all this crap really will be worth it, and worth it long enough to enjoy it.
I want to KNOW that the future holds something a whole heck of a lot better than my past. Because seriously - if this is it? If this is all there is I'm gonna be some pissed off let me tell you!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Best Kind of Success is Found in the Dressing Room
Okay, I promise, last post about boobs (at least for now).
Bra shopping. Who loves it? Who hates it?
For me, I know that I have to be in the right mood. Kinda like shopping for jeans, you gotta be in the mood because you know you're going to be trying on a shwack of different styles /sizes /colors, trying to push all your fleshy bits into some fabulous piece of clothing, and praying that it is more flattering than unfortunate. That your 'assets' are lifted and perky, reminding you of days long gone. I don't know about you but when I strike gold I stock up, because it is always my luck that as soon as I find a style that I like they discontinue it.
And then the first few times wearing those new jeans or bra, I feel.... what's a good word for it... Good. Mighty. Hot. Powerful. Feminine. Haha - but then again, it doesn't take much. I've always been pretty easy to please.
Bra shopping. Who loves it? Who hates it?
For me, I know that I have to be in the right mood. Kinda like shopping for jeans, you gotta be in the mood because you know you're going to be trying on a shwack of different styles /sizes /colors, trying to push all your fleshy bits into some fabulous piece of clothing, and praying that it is more flattering than unfortunate. That your 'assets' are lifted and perky, reminding you of days long gone. I don't know about you but when I strike gold I stock up, because it is always my luck that as soon as I find a style that I like they discontinue it.
And then the first few times wearing those new jeans or bra, I feel.... what's a good word for it... Good. Mighty. Hot. Powerful. Feminine. Haha - but then again, it doesn't take much. I've always been pretty easy to please.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Umm... Hello...Have we met??
Hahaha!!!
So, apparently if you put the word 'Boobs' in the title of your blog post, you suddenly get visitors from all over the world popping over to have a looky. More proof that this woman's mind is still pretty niave :) So, if you are one of the new visitors - welcome and please, feel free to leave your first name and where you're from. Heck, why doesn't everyone who visits this one leave a quick hello. Go on - make my day :)
So, apparently if you put the word 'Boobs' in the title of your blog post, you suddenly get visitors from all over the world popping over to have a looky. More proof that this woman's mind is still pretty niave :) So, if you are one of the new visitors - welcome and please, feel free to leave your first name and where you're from. Heck, why doesn't everyone who visits this one leave a quick hello. Go on - make my day :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Men Are Stupid and They Like Big Boobs
That is the title of a Joan River's book that caught my attention while I was at Chapters this weekend. I happen to believe that her observation is true of many men and so I picked it up to flip through. It had me captivated for the next 25 minutes as Joan went through many of the plastic surgery operations available out there, what they would cost, exactly what they do, recovery times, all punctuated with her witty take on the whole process. Great book for anyone thinking about getting some work done.
I have thought about it before, and am back to thinking about it again. The top of my list would be nose and boobs. I have always had my dad's beak, and while I think it looks fabulous on him, me? Not so much. And the sisters? Well, let's just say I miss the pre-baby me. Reading about what all goes into the recovery is what has me pausing for thought though. And the possibility that I will go through all of that and be disappointed with the results. One thing she stressed though was that you get what you pay for - the more expensive the surgeon, the better quality job you're going to get.
Good book, good laughs, good info. As for her analysis on the opposite sex, well, I'll leave that one up to you.
I have thought about it before, and am back to thinking about it again. The top of my list would be nose and boobs. I have always had my dad's beak, and while I think it looks fabulous on him, me? Not so much. And the sisters? Well, let's just say I miss the pre-baby me. Reading about what all goes into the recovery is what has me pausing for thought though. And the possibility that I will go through all of that and be disappointed with the results. One thing she stressed though was that you get what you pay for - the more expensive the surgeon, the better quality job you're going to get.
Good book, good laughs, good info. As for her analysis on the opposite sex, well, I'll leave that one up to you.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Where is the real me?
So, what a difference a few days makes. What changed? Not much really. But I did something just for me - outside of the rules, spontaneous and completely rejuvenating. I took off.
I was on the phone with my best friend and she was telling me about a fab book she is reading about making your life better, and recognizing that there are different phases. You can make each phase what you want it to be. Wow. What I want?? What do I want? So long I feel like I've been living under someone elses expectations of what a good mom is, a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, all of that. Now I am free (well, all but by law and that's in motion already). I can choose. I can be the loud girl at the party. I can be the one that helps save a life. I can be the one who dances in the rain. I can be the one who dances on the tables at parties while it's raining to save my own life if that's what I want.
Slowly but surely I am figuring out what I want. And light bulb moment!! I can change what I want whenever I want to! I have always been the girl who followed all the rules, having really no idea how to balance being good and having fun. To me, the two have never really gone together. These are a few of the thoughts clanking around in my brain while I was on the phone. She also mentioned a 100 list - a bucket list if you will. 100 things I want to do before my time is up. I'm not going to lie - 100 things sounds like a lot of things. So I started last night with #1 and am up to 16 things so far. I'll just take it from there. One of these days soon I will post my list of things so far.
So, like I said - I took off. I went into the city, spur of the moment on a whim to go see my best friend and watch last week's episode of Grey's before the season finale last night. I drove fast. I looked good. I had the music blaring - an not on the classical station! I felt myself coming alive again. That feeling is still with me today. I'm on the road to finding me and it feels pretty great. Well, at least for today ;)
I was on the phone with my best friend and she was telling me about a fab book she is reading about making your life better, and recognizing that there are different phases. You can make each phase what you want it to be. Wow. What I want?? What do I want? So long I feel like I've been living under someone elses expectations of what a good mom is, a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, all of that. Now I am free (well, all but by law and that's in motion already). I can choose. I can be the loud girl at the party. I can be the one that helps save a life. I can be the one who dances in the rain. I can be the one who dances on the tables at parties while it's raining to save my own life if that's what I want.
Slowly but surely I am figuring out what I want. And light bulb moment!! I can change what I want whenever I want to! I have always been the girl who followed all the rules, having really no idea how to balance being good and having fun. To me, the two have never really gone together. These are a few of the thoughts clanking around in my brain while I was on the phone. She also mentioned a 100 list - a bucket list if you will. 100 things I want to do before my time is up. I'm not going to lie - 100 things sounds like a lot of things. So I started last night with #1 and am up to 16 things so far. I'll just take it from there. One of these days soon I will post my list of things so far.
So, like I said - I took off. I went into the city, spur of the moment on a whim to go see my best friend and watch last week's episode of Grey's before the season finale last night. I drove fast. I looked good. I had the music blaring - an not on the classical station! I felt myself coming alive again. That feeling is still with me today. I'm on the road to finding me and it feels pretty great. Well, at least for today ;)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Cold Turkey
WARNING:
If you are a family member you may not want to read this post as it may contain TMI (too much information) Remember - this is my blog. This is the one where I let it all out. If you want to read about my family's daily happenings - the more G to PG rated stuff then stop here and go to the other blog posted there on the side. This is my blog and my new life and I've decided to be less inhibited, less private, less proper. This could very well be the new me. I don't want to hear about whether or not you agree with my take on things - especially the following things!
I have a new BFF. She's my CBFF. My Celibate BFF. She's LDS too and in an even bigger predicament than me in that she actually has a new man right in front of her and is being as good as humanly possible. Divorced Mormon women - the ones who hang on to their values for dear life - are some of the toughest, strong-willed people on this planet. The only ones who beat them out is the men, because let's face facts here - they are men!
I've tried it all. I've cut out ALL TV programs except for Survivor. That includes Grey's and Private Practice people!! McSteamy! McDreamy! AHHH!!!! I have no radio on in the car. I have freaking classical music on my other blog for the very reason being that everything makes me think, or want, or miss "IT". I miss it all. I miss even just the touch of a man. Hand on the small of my back, hand in my hair, holding hands, hands and arms holding me close and everything else further down that line. Actually, what I can't get out of my head is a pair of man hands that grab the sides of my ribs to pull me close and then slide around to my back to hold me there. I think about that one all. the. time.
I've been chewing gum like someone trying to kick a smoking addiction just to keep my mouth busy because when it's not, either my jaw is clenched or the tip of my tongue tingles reminding me of kisses that I want to share so bad it's making me crazy!!!
I don't miss it with him - in fact quite the opposite. But the hope that there had so better be someone better is making me seriously come out of my skin!! You know it's bad when you are walking by the cheesecake display case in the Cheesecake Cafe and at first glance you think the Callibeaut Chocolate Cheesecake actually read Celibate Chocolate Cheesecake. True story. And that is the one I picked out (once I stopped to read the little sign again. Fabulous btw).
Quiting cold turkey sucks you guys!! You don't even know! Unless of course you do and then Hello! You get it!! I look at some of these single women in church who have been married before and they have been single for umpteen years and I just don't know if I have it in me to go that long!! I'm amazing but still human you know ;)
*SIGH*
And my wait continues..... Aw man!! Haha :)
If you are a family member you may not want to read this post as it may contain TMI (too much information) Remember - this is my blog. This is the one where I let it all out. If you want to read about my family's daily happenings - the more G to PG rated stuff then stop here and go to the other blog posted there on the side. This is my blog and my new life and I've decided to be less inhibited, less private, less proper. This could very well be the new me. I don't want to hear about whether or not you agree with my take on things - especially the following things!
I have a new BFF. She's my CBFF. My Celibate BFF. She's LDS too and in an even bigger predicament than me in that she actually has a new man right in front of her and is being as good as humanly possible. Divorced Mormon women - the ones who hang on to their values for dear life - are some of the toughest, strong-willed people on this planet. The only ones who beat them out is the men, because let's face facts here - they are men!
I've tried it all. I've cut out ALL TV programs except for Survivor. That includes Grey's and Private Practice people!! McSteamy! McDreamy! AHHH!!!! I have no radio on in the car. I have freaking classical music on my other blog for the very reason being that everything makes me think, or want, or miss "IT". I miss it all. I miss even just the touch of a man. Hand on the small of my back, hand in my hair, holding hands, hands and arms holding me close and everything else further down that line. Actually, what I can't get out of my head is a pair of man hands that grab the sides of my ribs to pull me close and then slide around to my back to hold me there. I think about that one all. the. time.
I've been chewing gum like someone trying to kick a smoking addiction just to keep my mouth busy because when it's not, either my jaw is clenched or the tip of my tongue tingles reminding me of kisses that I want to share so bad it's making me crazy!!!
I don't miss it with him - in fact quite the opposite. But the hope that there had so better be someone better is making me seriously come out of my skin!! You know it's bad when you are walking by the cheesecake display case in the Cheesecake Cafe and at first glance you think the Callibeaut Chocolate Cheesecake actually read Celibate Chocolate Cheesecake. True story. And that is the one I picked out (once I stopped to read the little sign again. Fabulous btw).
Quiting cold turkey sucks you guys!! You don't even know! Unless of course you do and then Hello! You get it!! I look at some of these single women in church who have been married before and they have been single for umpteen years and I just don't know if I have it in me to go that long!! I'm amazing but still human you know ;)
*SIGH*
And my wait continues..... Aw man!! Haha :)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Beware of the late night posts!
Haha :) I find that whatever feelings I have been trying to hide/bury/mask all come out at night. I somehow don't feel I'm alone in this.
Last week, and for most of this one - minus a brief wonderful weekend where I could escape my world and be reminded of who I am/was with my mom and YYBFF (younger years best friend forever) - I have been feeling anxious and always have my heart aching. I've been able to still go about all the things I usually do, for the most part , and have been able to put on the happy face but I am grieving.
Why do I even care about this man that has hurt me time and time again? Why do I care that he is with someone new who has integrity equal to his own?
Because we had a life together, a life he did not value as I did. I gave him my heart and he did not treat it with care - he stomped on it. I picked it back up, put it back together, dusted it off, and cautiously held it out to him again. And he stomped on it again. And again. And again. And again.
Why did I keep trying, you may ask? Vows. 70x7. Kids. Hope is hard to kill.
In fact, I still have hope. Not in that he will one day get what's coming to him, not in that he will realize that I am someone special someday, not in that he will one day call me up and tell me his regrets, but that my heart can be healed through the Atonement. That what my friends tell me just might be true - that there are men out there that will value my morals, integrity, righteousness (not perfection - there's a difference!), honesty, and a not too shabby exterior ;) And even if no one comes my way, I still have the inner peace that comes from not being ashamed. I also know that peace will show outwardly in my eyes, my walk, my actions, my countenance. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to step carefully through the dark to get to it :)
Last week, and for most of this one - minus a brief wonderful weekend where I could escape my world and be reminded of who I am/was with my mom and YYBFF (younger years best friend forever) - I have been feeling anxious and always have my heart aching. I've been able to still go about all the things I usually do, for the most part , and have been able to put on the happy face but I am grieving.
Why do I even care about this man that has hurt me time and time again? Why do I care that he is with someone new who has integrity equal to his own?
Because we had a life together, a life he did not value as I did. I gave him my heart and he did not treat it with care - he stomped on it. I picked it back up, put it back together, dusted it off, and cautiously held it out to him again. And he stomped on it again. And again. And again. And again.
Why did I keep trying, you may ask? Vows. 70x7. Kids. Hope is hard to kill.
In fact, I still have hope. Not in that he will one day get what's coming to him, not in that he will realize that I am someone special someday, not in that he will one day call me up and tell me his regrets, but that my heart can be healed through the Atonement. That what my friends tell me just might be true - that there are men out there that will value my morals, integrity, righteousness (not perfection - there's a difference!), honesty, and a not too shabby exterior ;) And even if no one comes my way, I still have the inner peace that comes from not being ashamed. I also know that peace will show outwardly in my eyes, my walk, my actions, my countenance. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to step carefully through the dark to get to it :)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I'm still human
So, for any of you that read my most recent post (which I have deleted) I'm sorry. I AM only human and venting did feel pretty good, but I guess putting it all out there for anyone to read wasn't very mature. I'm still trying to be a better person - thanks for hang in there with me.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Unloading
Okay - here it is. I don't have the mental capacity to try and come up with a 'plot' for this. I'm just letting it all out - right here.
I am in so much pain.
I hurt all the time.
I have hurt many times over the years and this pain is not new. It is old, and I know it well. I know it is going to last a long time.
It has changed who I am and I resent it for that.
I can not be who I want to be, who I should be because it is ever-present.
When it gets really bad, I get a little frantic inside and wonder what I can find to try and numb it - take the edge off.
Booze? Drugs? God? A fling?
In the end I do nothing because maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be.
I know that I am exhausting my friends.
But if I don't get this out it will eat me up and I will implode.
I'm also really, really pissed off.
He's out living the life he has always wanted and I am here trying to figure out what the heck to do next and how to pull whatever 'it' is off.
I feel cornered with limited options.
I just can not go to school full time for four years and still be a good mom.
I probably can't choose anything with shift work because he does shift work, and of course, that is what I want to do - work at the hospital.
I need to make good money because I have NO desire to be dependant on him for anything ever again.
There are times when I hate him. I usually try to nip those feelings off in the bud because hate is like a cancer and it does nothing to hurt him. Just me. But I still do sometimes.
I feel worthless.
Rejected.
Invisible.
Weak.
Dumb.
Pathetic.
And afraid that I not only feel these things, but that I am these things.
I am in so much pain.
I hurt all the time.
I have hurt many times over the years and this pain is not new. It is old, and I know it well. I know it is going to last a long time.
It has changed who I am and I resent it for that.
I can not be who I want to be, who I should be because it is ever-present.
When it gets really bad, I get a little frantic inside and wonder what I can find to try and numb it - take the edge off.
Booze? Drugs? God? A fling?
In the end I do nothing because maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be.
I know that I am exhausting my friends.
But if I don't get this out it will eat me up and I will implode.
I'm also really, really pissed off.
He's out living the life he has always wanted and I am here trying to figure out what the heck to do next and how to pull whatever 'it' is off.
I feel cornered with limited options.
I just can not go to school full time for four years and still be a good mom.
I probably can't choose anything with shift work because he does shift work, and of course, that is what I want to do - work at the hospital.
I need to make good money because I have NO desire to be dependant on him for anything ever again.
There are times when I hate him. I usually try to nip those feelings off in the bud because hate is like a cancer and it does nothing to hurt him. Just me. But I still do sometimes.
I feel worthless.
Rejected.
Invisible.
Weak.
Dumb.
Pathetic.
And afraid that I not only feel these things, but that I am these things.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
(I need a good title - any suggestions?)
As she is driving home to see her most favorite little people in the whole world, a realization pushes in past the emotions steadily churning inside. It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining for the first time in about a week, shining on the mountains and the snow in the fields. Days like this usually lift her spirits and hope pours in.
Not now.
Always a feeling before thinking. Her mind questions her heart. Realization begins to dawn.
Anger.
She is angry.
As recognition comes, the feeling immediately grows almost as if it had been lurking in the corner for a while and once spotted comes to make a formal greeting.
She knew angers companions well - hurt and frustration - but rarely saw anger in it's pure form. But here it was, smirking at her.
Upon the advice of a dear friend, to confront every emotion that comes along, she begins to do something that she has never done before. She starts to yell. Yelling at someone who is not there to hear. On and on she rants, waiting for the anger to melt into tears or hurt, but it does not. So she continues, punctuating her sentences with hand gestures and banging the steering wheel, not caring if the other drivers sharing the road notice. She is a little surprised at her desire to have her fist connect hard with someones face.
The miles roll by. She is close to home. Not wanting this battle to continue when she gets there, she wraps the tirade up, takes a couple of deep breaths and ponders on all of the things that had spewed forward. Nothing revolutionary had been revealed. There was nothing she hadn't said before. She was aware that the anger had not left her completely, it was back in its corner, waiting to come out again sometime. And that would be fine. She'd be ready then too. She has become a woman who is finally unafraid of emotion and all that comes with the different forms. The displays, the confronting, the accepting, the sharing, all of it. And she marvels again at how free she feels, comparing it to how stifled she used to be without being aware of it.
Free.
Free.
Pulling into her drive, a smile spreads across her face. It is a beautiful day.
Not now.
Always a feeling before thinking. Her mind questions her heart. Realization begins to dawn.
Anger.
She is angry.
As recognition comes, the feeling immediately grows almost as if it had been lurking in the corner for a while and once spotted comes to make a formal greeting.
She knew angers companions well - hurt and frustration - but rarely saw anger in it's pure form. But here it was, smirking at her.
Upon the advice of a dear friend, to confront every emotion that comes along, she begins to do something that she has never done before. She starts to yell. Yelling at someone who is not there to hear. On and on she rants, waiting for the anger to melt into tears or hurt, but it does not. So she continues, punctuating her sentences with hand gestures and banging the steering wheel, not caring if the other drivers sharing the road notice. She is a little surprised at her desire to have her fist connect hard with someones face.
The miles roll by. She is close to home. Not wanting this battle to continue when she gets there, she wraps the tirade up, takes a couple of deep breaths and ponders on all of the things that had spewed forward. Nothing revolutionary had been revealed. There was nothing she hadn't said before. She was aware that the anger had not left her completely, it was back in its corner, waiting to come out again sometime. And that would be fine. She'd be ready then too. She has become a woman who is finally unafraid of emotion and all that comes with the different forms. The displays, the confronting, the accepting, the sharing, all of it. And she marvels again at how free she feels, comparing it to how stifled she used to be without being aware of it.
Free.
Free.
Pulling into her drive, a smile spreads across her face. It is a beautiful day.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Stalling
She was alone. And most days she was quite content to be so. Sure, she had her family not too far away. They were great, as were her friends, at making sure that she really was okay with it all. She was, after all, a confident woman determined to be successful on the new path that her life was on. She had seen her fair share of bumps in the road and was mature enough to know that life would inevitably bring more. She also knew that she would be able to weather them when they did, just as she had done in the past. She still felt as though the future was full of hope and opportunities.
But tonight, she was alone. And she felt it.
She had seen him earlier in the evening and everything was fine. They chatted casually for a few minutes and then he had to get going. As she closed the door behind him, she felt an ache in her heart. That feeling lingered and intensified until she felt as though her heart had been sucked from her chest leaving a cavernous void.
It didn't happen every time, not even all that often. But when it did, it was hard to keep emotions from bubbling over. There was no doubt in her mind about the decision to separate, just surprise sometimes at how much it hurt still. She hoped that those feelings would lessen with time and that she would find joy in a quality relationship again someday. The problem with someday though is that one never knows when it will get here. So she questioned herself - does she miss him specifically, or miss loving and being loved?
She knows she will not find the answer to that question tonight. What she does know is that she needs to go to bed but is stalling, for there is no one there waiting for her. And the vacuum continues. At least for tonight.
But tonight, she was alone. And she felt it.
She had seen him earlier in the evening and everything was fine. They chatted casually for a few minutes and then he had to get going. As she closed the door behind him, she felt an ache in her heart. That feeling lingered and intensified until she felt as though her heart had been sucked from her chest leaving a cavernous void.
It didn't happen every time, not even all that often. But when it did, it was hard to keep emotions from bubbling over. There was no doubt in her mind about the decision to separate, just surprise sometimes at how much it hurt still. She hoped that those feelings would lessen with time and that she would find joy in a quality relationship again someday. The problem with someday though is that one never knows when it will get here. So she questioned herself - does she miss him specifically, or miss loving and being loved?
She knows she will not find the answer to that question tonight. What she does know is that she needs to go to bed but is stalling, for there is no one there waiting for her. And the vacuum continues. At least for tonight.
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